Division of labor in a household is a frequent cause of conflict in relationships. When one party feels like they do most of the work, resentment can build up until it explodes.
A father who feels like a single parent turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Middle-Candidate5497 asked:
“AITA for giving my wife a dirty plate to eat off of at dinner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My wife is a nurse, and she works long hours; therefore, I handle everything in the household. She has been picking up more shifts recently because the hospital is understaffed.”
“I am the one doing the chores, taking care of the kids, making food, and I also work. It’s all me. She has one chore, and that is when she comes home, she needs to do the dishes.”
“I work in construction 40-50 hours. She works in the hospital 36-60.”
“Her schedule is highly dependent on what is happening at the hospital if she picks up more shifts or not. 36 is her normal, and she works more depending on the week and if she grabs 1-2 extra shifts.”
“The kids are usually asleep by the time she gets home, so I usually make dinner for the kids and wait until she gets home to reheat the food for her. The main issue is that she has not been cleaning the dishes.”
“I have talked to her multiple times, but nothing has changed. She gets home, eats, and goes right to bed. She always claims she is too tired after her shift to do the dishes, and when I suggest she does them in the morning, she claims there is not enough time before she needs to get to work.”
“It is extremely frustrating to wake up and they are not done, that leads to me having to do the dishes at some point.”
“We talked about this again last Saturday, and she has not done the dishes since—four days of not doing them—and I have not done them either.”
“I have ran out of dishes and served dinner to the kids on paper plates tonight. She got home after the kids were asleep and I handed her a dirty plate to eat off of.”
“I told her that she can use that to reheat the food. She was not happy, and we got into an argument. She called me a d*ck for handing her a dirty plate to eat off of and said that I was home, so I should have cleaned some dishes.”
“I pointed out that this is her job, and I am not going it. That if she wont clean the dishes, then she can eat off a dirty plate. She is calling me a jerk.”
“I told my sister of the situation, and she said I was being petty. I don’t think I am.”
The OP later added:
“She can’t do any chores that pertain to the kids (they are asleep), and she can’t do anything loud because the kids are in bed ( so no vacuuming/any deep cleaning).”
“I could stop cleaning and have her pick up the living room when she gets back, but that is more work than the dishes which she’s already not doing.”
“We have a dishwasher. It is not a lot—it is the plates, utensils, and pot. I usually clean as I go, a bomb doesn’t go off in the kitchen when I cook.”
“Everything is in the sink when she gets home except her plate. Literallly all she needs to do is take the dishes out of the sink, load the dishwasher, and run it.”
“She refuses to wake up earlier to do anything, it doesn’t help that she is a heavy sleeper. I actually mentioned getting a cleaner to come in once a week. Strong no from her since she doesn’t want a stranger in the home, and she claims it is a waste of money.”
“I am not willing to stay in the marriage if she doesn’t start pulling her weight. And I’ll take the kids with me. I am the main parent anyway. I do everything already.”
“I might as well be a single parent; she can’t do one f*cking chore.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I gave my wife a dirty dish to eat off of when she didn’t clean the dishes. I could be a jerk since this was a petty thing to do, and I could have just cleaned the dishes when she was at work.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. She has one chore, and you are doing everything else (including raising kids), and all she needs to do is wash the dishes. If you have a dishwasher, that is literally 10 minutes; even without a dishwasher, it is like 30 minutes.”
“You might as well be a single parent; you’re not even a stay-at-home parent since you also work. You work in construction. It’s not like you have an easy job either.” ~ Solid_Quote9133
“OP’s wife has one chore, and she’s acting like a spoiled brat about it. This is classic weaponized incompetence, and she was just waiting for OP to snap or do something so that she can make him look like the bad guy.” ~ Sweaty-Juggernaut-10
“OP works, takes care of the home, cooks, and cares for the children. He asks for one chore to be done by his wife, and when she wants to, he should just… roll over and do it?” ~ PineappleBliss2023
“I’m a nurse, and I often work crazy hours like your wife. My husband picks up the slack on days I work, but I still absolutely contribute. If he cooks, I do the dishes, and I do my portion of cleaning on my days off. NTA.” ~ Inevitable-Analyst
“NTA. I am a woman, and I think if you are working more hours at your job plus coming home and doing all the chores and taking care of the kids, and all she has to do is the dishes, she should be thankful.”
“Most women in my family are nurses, and I worked in the medical field as well, so I understand the stress and exhaustion that goes into that. However, your job is exhausting as well, plus it sounds as if you are acting as a single-parent household.”
“I would give anything to have a spouse that helped as much or even half of what you do.” ~ Lovey-Mom-Wife-Pet
“I’m in the automotive industry, constantly work 55 to 60 every week, normal travel time is 45 mins one way,on top of my 55 to 60.”
“Plus I work some Saturdays, spend 8 hours a week (over a 2-day period) with my mom so my aunt can take a break (aunt takes care of my mom after a stroke), maintain a house, yard, pool, projects, spend time with girlfriend, kid, and occasionally sleep.”
“If she can’t wash dishes the weeks she only works 30 to 40 hours, there’s a problem.” ~ LowLife_-86
“NTA. I think she is being a jerk. You two are both working stupid, crazy hours. At some point hired help is the solution.” ~ K_A_irony
“Having lived with someone like your wife, absolutely NTA. She is being absolutely ridiculous.” ~ Patient_Meaning_2751
“You could’ve given her a paper plate, but then the bigger issue wouldn’t have been addressed. NTA, you shouldn’t be doing EVERYTHING by yourself.” ~ BakedNemo420
“I know times are tough, and maybe you need the money, but if she’s so tired, she not only can’t do the one chore at home that she’s responsible for, but she can’t spend any time with her kids or partner, maybe she needs to turn down a shift or two.”
“NTA. Yeah, maybe it’s a bit petty, but sometimes you have to make those kinda plays to get noticed when talking hasn’t worked.” ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
“I’m a nurse. I get up at 4 AM to commute to work and get home around 8:30 PM. Bedtime is 9:00, especially if I work the next day and want to get enough sleep. I personally can’t imagine doing dishes at the end of a day like that. We don’t have a dishwasher.”
“But I have 3-4 full days off work a week! Those days, there’s plenty of time to do the dishes and other chores around the house. If your wife can’t bring herself to do dishes right after work, can’t she do them on her days off?” ~ Songmorning
“Congrats you are a single dad with an extra child. NTA.” ~ Epic-Hamster
“I work 36-40 hours a week in a very frantic and fast-paced physical therapy facility. My husband is a stay-at-home dad. He does everything. Kids, school stuff, animals, yard, laundry, cleans, cooks.”
“He does it all while also being a double amputee with two prosthetic legs. But I do whatever he asks me to help with. Your wife needs to pull her weight or go live alone and pay child support.” ~ Signal-Comfort7078
“You’re nicer than me. I’d have stopped feeding her and doing her laundry, too. If she can’t contribute, then she won’t get the benefits.” ~ MohawMais
While the OP still has some decisions to make, at least he knows people don’t find his requests nor his response to it not being met unreasonable.