There are people in the world who just cannot get enough of helping other people.
And then there are people who use "helping people" as a cover for more nefarious activities, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Independent-Clue6424 was a nurse, and her husband was a doctor, so there was no question that they were interested in helping people.
But when she found out that he was giving money to one of his female coworkers, the Original Poster (OP) couldn't help but be suspicious.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling suspicious and betrayed after finding out that my husband has been giving money to a female coworker without telling me?"
The OP tried to be as helpful to her elderly patients as she could be.
"I am a home health nurse. Most of my patients are elderly, disabled, and on a fixed income."
"There have been many times when I have helped them cover the copay on their prescriptions or bought them some groceries."
"Since this consists of giving money to people, I cleared it with my husband, and I use the card for our shared checking account for complete transparency. I do not make unusual financial decisions unilaterally, even small ones."
The OP found out that her husband didn't feel the need to be equally forthcoming.
"Fast forward to a couple of days ago. We were looking at the map on his phone when a text came through from one of the medical assistants he works with (my husband is a doctor)."
"The text basically said that the raise he lobbied for her to get from the hospital hasn't been enough to really help her, and can he please give her money again. AGAIN."
"I knew nothing of this. When I expressed my surprise, my husband immediately became angry and defensive and said that she didn't have money to feed her kids, and he couldn't believe that I wouldn't want him to help her out."
"Keep in mind that I haven't even said anything at this point other than, 'What?'"
The OP could not help but feel suspicious about the money and her husband's reaction.
"I honestly don't know what to think. We are both generous people. I donate my time and money to food banks and generally do what I can on a regular basis to help those around me."
"However, I don't do this 'secretly.' I tell my husband about $15 for someone's prescriptions, for goodness sake, because I believe it is the right thing to do in our marriage."
"If he truly believed that he needed to give this woman money, I would probably have supported him. But now all I see is the secret."
"He claims it was $500 one time, and he just 'forgot' to tell me about it. I did not see a cash withdrawal come out of our checking account for that amount of money, so that makes it feel even more like a secret to me."
"Am I wrong for feeling suspicious and betrayed and for wondering what else I don't know about in his work life?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were shocked that the nurse felt comfortable asking for money "again."
"It's not just that he secretly gave this girl $500. It's the fact that she's comfortable enough to ask for more. You are underreacting." - Arkoelbe24
"They’re either having an affair or she has major audacity asking her boss for more money." - Alarming-Setting-592
"I knew someone who was having an affair with her married boss. She didn’t mind asking him for money. She felt very comfortable doing so."
"She used to brag about a sugar daddy before I found out who it was. From what I’ve seen before, it wouldn’t be surprising if they are also in an affair, from how comfortable she is asking him for money. You cross one boundary, it's easy to cross more." - RepresentativeHot199
"That part really stands out to me. She wouldn’t even ask if there wasn’t already some level of comfort there." - OrchidHexVale
"If he's giving her that much money, and she wants more, I assume he's also giving her the D." - HotDonnaC
"NOR. Tell your husband, as his wife, that you are just looking out for him because all it takes is one person saying he had an inappropriate relationship or was giving her preferential treatment to destroy his reputation and cause an HR nightmare."
"Make sure you play it as a concern for his career, and give him something to consider." - GoodWin7889
Others were convinced that the OP's husband was having an affair.
"She has receipts, and he is scared. I wonder if it’s blackmail? That's why he got so defensive."
"I bet he'll start yelling, ‘How dare you question me, I am a good man, I am a medical professional, I save lives!’" - HedyHarlowe
"He was super defensive and sneaky. My Spidey senses are definitely tingling. I'd be worried there's more to this."
"I'd ask to see their conversations, and if he doesn't want you to see, you know something is up." - NewCelebration5565
"OP, you need to look into this ASAP. Five hundred dollars is A LOT to give to someone, and now she is comfortable asking for more?!?! His anger is a BIG RED FLAG because if it were just innocent, why the anger?"
"Another BIG RED FLAG is that you see that it didn't come out of your common account, so what other accounts does he have that you don't know about?"
"It's possible he is hiding a whole child?! I'd be hiring a private investigator to see what the f**k is going on here!" - Blonde2468
"NOR. Your husband is either cheating now or working up to it. He's given this woman money BEFORE, quite a bit actually, didn't tell you, and then when 'caught' becomes angry and defensive (classic behavior of a cheater)."
"He's also 'lobbied' for her to receive a raise; she received it, and it's STILL not enough for her. Honey, you have big trouble here."
"I'd go see the top five attorneys in your town for a 'consult,' and start hoarding any money I could for the divorce because unless you are okay with him cheating, and you looking the other way, that's where you're headed. If you're cool with that happening, no judgment here, then that's your choice and only your choice."
"But protect yourself, hire a PI, get your facts down first, then make a decision."
"The contacting the five best attorneys in town are so HE cannot use one of the five best attorneys in town against YOU if you were to divorce." - shep2105
"This almost feels like extortion. He's lobbying for raises & giving her money. Unfortunately, that typically means that she has something to hold over him."
"Sadly, the people we love are not always the people we think they are, or at least hope them to be. The fact that you are asking for advice on Reddit tells me that you don't really believe him."
"The real question is, do you want to know the truth?" - Chemical-Courage-601
After receiving feedback, the OP shared some insights she'd gathered over the course of reading the comments.
"Thank you all for your comments. Here's what I've pieced together so far."
"The defensiveness really has me worried. I didn't accuse him of anything or attack him or anything. I just asked what this message was about, what was going on."
"Because yes, if it was innocent, why was he angry, why was he defensive, why didn't he tell me, why did he use a bank account that I don't have access to (it's an old account that I thought was closed)?"
"I keep bouncing back and forth in my head from best case scenario to worst case scenario, and I don't know where to land."
The OP noticed parallels between how she and her husband met and how he met this coworker.
"If my husband is innocently trying to help a coworker, then he needs to direct her to a social worker so that she can get connected to resources, too."
"I was a single, struggling mom with two kids before I met my husband, and I could not even imagine asking the doctors I worked with at the time for money. Or even any of my coworkers, for that matter."
"My husband said something about how he helped me out financially when we were first dating."
"I said, 'Well, I hope this is nothing like that!' Because we were actively dating, and he was getting to know my kids, etc. Also, when we were dating, he never gave me cash, AND I never asked for anything."
"When we would go to the store together, he would pay for my groceries, but there was never a time when I directly asked him for money."
"Now that I'm typing this, I realize he said something about getting to know her kids, too."
"He said that she can't afford a babysitter, so they come to the office after school and hang out in the kitchen area. He said he wanted to give her money because she said she can't feed her kids, and he has gotten to know her kids."
"This woman is an MA in his clinic. I know that he likes to be the big hero, and it's definitely easier to do that with the lower-rung employees (not disrespecting MAs, but it's basically an entry-level position. Easier to manipulate?)."
There were other patterns, too.
"There was another problem from a different job in the past. I was at a work Christmas party for his job and meeting a lot of his coworkers for the first time."
"A woman came up to me and told me about how nice my husband has been to her. She told me that he has been taking her into the OR to show her his procedures."
"I assumed she was a nurse who was getting trained to first-assist or something. I've been a first-assist before, so I started talking to her about that."
"No, no, no, she quickly corrected me. She was a medical assistant in the clinic. Not a floor nurse or an OR nurse or anything. There was NO REASON for my husband to take her into the OR with him except to show off."
"So, my big question is, is he just trying to be the big man, or has he had affairs with these women?"
Whenever there is one lie, there are usually more hiding underneath.
At least the OP looked at the phone at the right moment to notice the money request, so that she could realize that there were a variety of questions she needed to be asking herself about her husband, his loyalty, and their marriage.
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