Redditor Threatens To Divorce Husband If He Pays For His Mom's Nursing Home Since They Can't Afford It

Aging parents are something most people will have to address often while dealing with the needs of their own families.

A wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback after giving her husband an ultimatum about his ailing mother.

Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.

Character-Line5221 asked:

"My husband's family has been pressuring him to contribute either financially or with time to his mother's care. I told him if he does we are getting a divorce. AITAH?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"I know it sounds harsh, but we just cannot afford to do so. We have two children, our youngest is nonverbal. I no longer work due to our youngest."

"He already does so much he cannot afford to give up time, and our budget is extremely tight. We are in the process of downsizing which is unfortunate but we cannot afford to live where we are on a single income."

"She has no money, their dad before he passed blew all his money on alternative medical treatments for his cancer. Smoked multiple packs of cigarettes a day, and was shocked he ended up how he did."

"She is not doing well herself, but just like most they have an extremely negative stigma regarding nursing homes. I know they are not the best of places, but putting your family in debt is no better."

"His siblings are using credit, taking out loans and stuff to provide care, keep her in her apartment/area. She is mild to moderate stage of dementia. She knows her apartment and area well, but she only manages because my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are going heavily into debt providing the care."

"They keep pushing my husband to do more, he helps how he can. He covers a portion of the rent, and pays for groceries from time to time. Compared to what they do, that is not much, but we are strapped ourselves."

"My husband wants to do Uber on the side after work and on the weekends, and I told him that is nuts. His family needs to understand that they have alternatives, they may not like it, but sooner or later she will end up in a home. What they are doing is far from sustainable."

"I told my husband if he caves and gives up more money we cannot afford without going into debt ourselves or gives up the limited time he has to be with his family to work Uber, I will have no choice but to file for divorce, and will have to plan accordingly."

"We have looked into me going back to work, but with the level of care our child needs it is not exactly a viable option."

The OP later added:

"His siblings don't have the space or desire to live with their mom 24/7 they 100% rather throw money they don't have at the problem."

"We technically are the only ones who have the space, but I know if we take her in everything would fall on me. The paid support would not be a thing."

"That was their orginal plan—she move in with us, this was in the earlier stages. I lived that life with my grandpa when my parents took him in. It was 13 years of hell, at first it was fine but as time went on it got much much worse."

"I knew if we took her in they would have far less incentive to actually help such as paying for care. As it stands they do what they do cause they cannot stomach the idea of placement but they also cannot stomach the idea of living with her full time."

"I am not banking on long term alimony, if given the option, I'd rather forgo it and liquidate what we can and take the cash to buy me time. Use it as leverage to get him to not fight me moving to a different state to be closer to my parents."

"I have a support system back home. If he goes through with his Uber plan we will hardly ever see him anyways."

"With my parents watching our son I can go back to work, my parents have a large house, so that would also mitigate my living expenses. Trust me I am not a huge fan of living with my parents again, but if need be, I 100% have that option."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
• INFO - more information needed

Redditors decided the OP's approach was wrong (YTA).

"Call a social worker for your MIL and your son—you're not doing either one of them any favors. Figure out what programs might be available for daycare, respite care, and care homes."

"It’s fine for people to not want to go into a home, but it’s not terribly realistic to expect your kids to provide round the clock care if you need it. Particularly with dementia patients."

"It's also net healthy for parents of neurodivergent children to hold them back by proclaiming themselves as their savior. He also likely qualifies for disability SSI and Medicare. Get off the cross, someone needs the wood." ~ TexasLiz1

"Yeah, just a bunch of people dealing with a crap situation. Don’t threaten divorce unless you actually mean it though, if it would be your breaking point then good to communicate it, but if OP is just using it as a threat then that’s a soft YTA, but again this is just a tough situation for everyone involved." ~ saltysweetbonbon

"You’re entitled to divorce your partner for whatever reason. But the thing is, I don’t think you want a divorce. You’re using it to blackmail him into compliance. And you’re mad at him for wanting to help his mother."

"The situation sounds tough, but honestly YTA. There’s better ways to approach this situation than threatening to blow up your family." ~ ReserveThis3709

"OP knows divorce would mean she goes to work, but is poorer and maybe in debt. And her special needs kid goes to state day care. There is zero chance she wants that."

"She figures if she threatens to leave him, he'll give up. It's telling that her solution to losing his support is to expect her parents to take over taking care of her family. Apparently whatever happens, someone else will be on the hook." ~ readergirl35

"YTA. It's a tough situation, but you come off as extremely cold and heartless. My partner considers my parents his parents and would do his damnedest to be supportive and provide any support he could." ~ Filmlovinggal

"YTA—he’s watching his mother die while trying to take care of his family and you’re telling him to choose you or you’re leaving. There are other options and you picked the worst one. Side note, if your child is non-verbal, they most likely qualify for a significant amount of government resources that can help your family’s situation." ~ Retrofool

"I love that she wants her time and effort to be valued as a mother caring for her son but thinks OP shouldn't value his own mother who cared for him."

"Your other child is watching how you treat your husband's parents and he will treat you like you've taught him here when you're old and in need of care, OP. Or exploit you like you plan to exploit your own parents." ~ shelbzaazaz

"OP plans on moving back to her parents house and living with them, and have them watch her nonverbal child while she's at work. So she's going to do to her parents what she refuses to let her husband do for his mother." ~ Itchy-Worldliness-21

"YTA for threatening divorce. Unfortunately it’s a sh*tty situation and I actually agree that your husband needs to step back however making threats isn’t helping and you’d very likely end up in a worse position anyway as a single parent."

"You’ve made it so he has the looming threat of divorce hanging over his head while also trying to deal with the eventual loss of his mother." ~ tenderjuicy1294

"This is a tough situation for sure. However, YTA for putting him in such a rock and hard place. Literally demanding a guy choose between his ill beloved mother and you."

"Your concerns are totally valid, and imo, he needs to ensure his family he built with you are taken care of first. But you shouldn’t be making the situation worse for him."

"Given his mother’s medical condition, they should look into some sort of government aid for her care with professionals. She won’t get better and things will just get harder and worse. By having someone else tend to much of the care, that will free the family up to enjoy the remaining time they have together rather than having to take second jobs to provide." ~ heydanalee

"I can't imagine OP and her children's life getting better by getting a divorce."

"I agree that her concerns are valid but her threat is odd. That would put everyone in a worse situation. You know what people love when they're broke? Hiring lawyers and a lack of shared expenses. Given that the divorce would be primarily money-based, her threat is bananas."

"Everyone knows smoking is bad for you, taking it out on the mom because the dad got cancer and spent everything is also wild. You're not wrong but bringing that up fixes what? Nothing."

"Jeez. The situation hurts, but threatening a divorce or even following through on it puts everyone, especially OP's parents, in a worse situation and is incredibly selfish of OP." ~ Brief_Kangaroo_42069

OP's threat was ill-advised and equally unsustainable.

Her own aging parents are expected to support her for free and provide free childcare in her solution, but for how long? And are they physically or emotionally capable of taking on her self-imposed burdens?

As with her current situation, OP seems to have little concern for anyone but herself.