Family isn’t always the most accepting group of people.
Sometimes, family is the most disappointing group of people.
The trick is to try and get past that pain.
But it isn’t easy.
Redditor Comfortable_Bird3049 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not going to my TWIN’S Wedding???”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (24 M[ale]) have an identical twin.”
“We’re not close, but I thought we had basic mutual respect.”
“That belief was tested.”
“I grew up in a traditional Southern town and only began coming out in college, about five years ago.”
“It’s been slow, especially with family.”
“But since moving to DC in ’23 for school/work, I’ve felt more comfortable living authentically.”
“After moving, I met my B[oy]F[riend] (26 M[ale), and we’ve been together 2 years.”
“Over time, I’ve introduced him to friends and family when I felt safe.”
“Cut to Nov. ’24: I was home for the holidays and told my twin and his fianceé about my BF.”
“They seemed happy for me.”
“While staying with them, wedding details arose, and they asked if I’d be bringing a date.”
“I said yes, my BF.”
‘My twin had gone to bed, but his fianceé said, ‘While there are pros and cons, it’s up to you if you want to bring him.'”
“That felt like a green light.”
“My twin constantly deferred to her on decisions, so I didn’t think I needed to double-check.”
“5 months passed, my BF and I had spent $1,300 on travel (flights, hotel, etc.).”
“3 weeks before the wedding, I mentioned on a call with my brother that we were all set.”
“His tone shifted: ‘Oh, is BF actually coming?'”
“I reminded him of the convo with his fianceé.”
“He said she never gave me permission and accused me of making it up.”
“Then said, “We can’t allow your BF to come. We worry how Dad’s side will react.'”
“I offered to call our Dad on the spot.”
“He dodged, saying he’d check with his fianceé (despite just saying it was his decision).”
“An hour later, no change.”
“I was still invited-ALONE, still expected to buy a groomsman-match suiting (even though I wasn’t in the party), and show up smiling.”
“That’s when I snapped.”
“I asked, ‘If I didn’t invite your fianceé to my wedding, would you still come?'”
“He couldn’t answer and ended the call after some harsh words.”
“Trying to make things right, I came out to my dad (whom I feared for years) to explain the situation.”
“He was surprisingly indifferent and even said uninviting my BF was extreme.’
“He offered to talk to the extended family.”
“I thought I was removing the main obstacle.”
“Weeks later, my twin called again.”
“He now claimed our friends would be ‘weirded out.'”
“So the excuse shifted.”
“I said, ‘If my BF is not invited, I’m not coming.'”
“He didn’t budge.”
‘Here’s the kicker: days later, my dad told me the fianceé admitted she did give me permission, but changed her mind when she remembered ‘who would be there.'”
“She denied this to my twin.”
“Also, one of her bridesmaids is openly gay and brought her G[irl]F[riend, but, according to the fianceé, ‘she’s not part of the family,’ so it’s different.”
“So I didn’t go.”
“I’m still wondering if I made the wrong call.”
“My absence was noticed.”
“I got texts asking where I was.”
“My mom had to explain it repeatedly.”
“So instead of avoiding attention, my absence became the story.”
“My relationship with my twin is dead, and some family ties now feel fragile.”
“Part of me wonders, should I have sucked it up and gone solo, just to preserve bonds that shaped my early life?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, AITA for skipping the wedding?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“As a guy in my early 60s who happens to be gay and have a gay twin, sometimes we have to make hard choices when it comes to our energy and peace of mind.”
“You went out of your way to support your twin brother, and he gave you excuses and disrespect.”
“You don’t have to make any decisions right now as to your relationship with him, but I can tell you that it won’t improve.”
“I cut my twin out of my life years ago and have no regrets.” ~ Forward_Giraffe9404
“NTA, unless your survival depends on it, never feel sorry for cutting bigots out of your life.” ~ ftjlster
“OP handled this with grace.”
“Coming out to his dad when he was worried about his reaction to try to make things easier on his brother.”
“His twin and fiancée are both liars and crappy people.”
“He is right to distance himself and keep his peace.”
“I say take a nice trip with the money that was going to that trip with his boyfriend.”
“His brother and his idiot bride are the reason people were asking questions, and it distracted from the wedding.” ~ MartinisnMurder
“NTA. You did the right thing. Now you know who your twin and his wife are.”
“I’m glad you talked to your father.”
“That must be a relief.”
“I’m sorry about the others in your family.” ~ General_Relative2838
“NTA. But your twin and his wife definitely are both AH.”
“I’m glad you’ve found out that your dad is at least supportive of you and your boyfriend; that’s something good out of the stinking corpse of your relationship with your twin.” ~ Umbra_Lucis
NTA. Your brother keeps finding excuses by saying other people won’t accept it, when it’s clear he is the one who doesn’t but won’t admit to it.
“He may be your family by blood, but your boyfriend is who you choose to be with, and it’s great you’re standing by him and your relationship.” ~ lemon_charlie
“NTA. Your dad being indifferent/supportive came so far out of left field!”
“It would’ve been fine if that had resolved the issue.”
“After all, backlash from family is a major reason why people are afraid of coming out, and even just supporting a queer family member can lead to negative experiences with the homophobes in the extended family.”
“But that’s not what happened.’
“The excuse shifted.”
“Okay, maybe the friends… oh.”
“There’s a lesbian bridesmaid who’s allowed to bring her girlfriend.”
“Sorry, but your brother and his wife are awful.” ~ KatKaleen
“NTA. I would’ve done the same.”
“It always amazes me that people would prefer to have a loved one missing from an event because of what some bigot might think or might say.”
“For me, if those with the prejudice have an issue, they can be the ones who stay home.” ~ Bitter-Paramedic-531
“NTA, but your twin and his wife are.”
“I’m glad your dad supports you.” ~ Acrobatic_Increase69
“The only odd thing is that you were going to bring your BF but hadn’t come out to your own father prior to the wedding.”
“Your brother’s wedding was not the right time for a coming out situation because that really would put attention on yourself instead of him if it was a big surprise to your dad and other family.”
“That said, since you removed that issue, it was insulting that they withdrew the invitation after extending it.”
“You aren’t owed a plus one, but in this case, it was intentional, and you had every right to skip going. NTA.” ~ alicat777777
“NTA at all.”
“If you are visibly clearly identical twins, my best guess is that someone made a comment about the increased likelihood of identical twins sharing a sexuality, and he did the sh*tty thing of putting that insecurity on you.”
“I’m only saying that because it seems to be focused on your sexuality specifically and not others in the wedding party.” ~ lamepajamas
“NTA. You actually did a lot, going out of your way trying to avoid this undesirable outcome.”
“To me, their reaction just shows that whatever stupid problems they had about you being gay are bigger than their wish to have you at the wedding.”
“Your brother and his wife should be munching this in their minds now, not you.” ~ silentjudge_
‘NTA. Your new S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] is a real piece of work.”
“In fact, your parents and relatives, who you were out to, who KNEW you were being discriminated against, should have declined and let your homophobic twin explain to his in-laws where everyone is.” ~ fyrdude58
“Absolutely NTA, you did not shift attention from the couple at all.”
“They did that.”
“It was a direct result of their own actions!!”
“They gotta suck it up now.”
“At some point, maybe they will reach some level of self-awareness that they sabotaged their own wedding day.”
“What idiots.”
“I commend you on your decision.” ~ citrus_cinnamon
“NTA. Your brother was the one who couldn’t accept you and your boyfriend.”
“He shifted the blame to his fiancée, your dad, your dad’s side of the family, his friends… until there was no one left.”
“He’s a major a**hole and a homophobe.”
“Glad you didn’t go to the wedding.” ~ misuez
“NTA. You don’t owe your twin anything.”
“He threw his relationship with you away for a self-absorbed bigot.”
“He’s made his bed.”
“You are not in the wrong here.”
“I hope they have the marriage they deserve.” ~ Miss_Melody_Pond
“NTA. You didn’t make the wedding all about your absence; your brother and his fiancée did.”
“No need to apologise for anything.”
“About all they did for you was inadvertently push you into coming out to your dad, and I’m glad for you that that went better than you expected.” ~ Chatelaine5
“NTA, but your twin and his wife certainly are.”
“Your relationship with your brother was done long before the wedding.”
“You were only invited because the family expected it.” ~ Sticky_Beak7250
Reddit is with you, OP.
It sucks that you have to go through this.
Shame on your twin and new SIL.
You keep doing you.
Loud and Proud!!!