Monogamy isn’t for everyone.
And that’s fine.
So long as everyone in a relationship agrees to date and/or have sex with people outside the relationship.
It’s when people vow not to do that, then do it anyway that problems arise.
There’s a reason why it’s called “cheating.”
A wife dealing with the fallout from hèr husband’s infidelity turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Embarrassed_Ask8092 asked:
“AITAH if I were to tell my husband that I don’t want to have any relationship nor help him care for the child he fathered with his lover?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I still can’t believe this thing happened to me and I’m just so lost and so tired now, I never expected for my husband to do this to me after everything we have.”
“English is not my first language and I’m still in shock so please forgive me if there’s some mess in my post, I’m just venting and feeling so broken. I’ve never used Reddit for things like this and just watched stories from the internet.”
“Some background: Me (44, female) and my husband (45, male) have been married for two decades and we have four kids together; Shane (23, female), Bea (22, female), Charles (17, male), and Ivan (13, male).”
“All of our kids are adopted since I cannot carry a child to term, but I treat all of my kids as if I birthed them myself.”
“Me and my husband has a wonderful relationship, we are high school sweethearts, dated in high school and got married when we were in college.”
“We rarely fight, because we always address the issues we have and always tried our best to fight for our relationship. We have date nights, our kids cringe every time me and their Dad are together because of how sticky we are and affectionate.”
“We both have good jobs as well (I worked in a high position at a Call Center, while my husband works in tech), both earning good amount of money for us to provide a comfortable life to our children.”
“And we have great intimacy. We are each other’s firsts in everything.”
“So imagine my shock when my husband told me this morning that he had a one-night stand with a co-worker nine years ago and it resulted with a boy.”
“My husband told me that it happened when I was away on a trip with my girlfriends and he was feeling so lonely and stressed for a project at that time, but he didn’t want to bother me while I’m out having fun because I rarely go out with my friends.”
“He said he didn’t mean for it to happen and it never happened again, but I don’t know if I believe him. According to him, after they did it, he and his affair partner (AP) spoke about how much of a mistake of what they did and that it shouldn’t happen again.”
“Since then, they never spoke to each other at work aside from when they have projects together. The AP ended up leaving their company after two months so they never saw each other again.”
“Now, just this morning, my husband told me that his AP’s parents contacted him a month ago and told him that she became pregnant after they slept together and gave birth to a son.”
“They said that they can no longer care for the boy since they’re old and the AP is in jail for the foreseeable future. They wanted to still have the kid with them but won’t be able to provide a good life for the child so they wanted my husband to take in the child.”
“I just became numb the entire time he’s explaining to me. He told me of his plan to turn one of our guest room into that boy’s room and wanted to introduce him to our kids as their new brother.”
“Said that I would love the kid because the boy likes anime, and we would definitely get along. My husband is completely ecstatic because he said the boy looks so much like him and is such a good kid.”
“That the boy would be grateful to have a normal life and have parents who would love him. Which is, from what I think he’s saying, me and him being the parents.”
“I don’t know what to do. I know the boy is completely innocent, and he didn’t choose his parents.”
“But the fact that he knew about this child for a month yet hid it from me, and the fact that the boy is his blood-related child, which is something I can never give him, is making me feel so horrible and making me feel a bit resentful for the child’s existence.”
“I’m currently locking myself in our bedroom, and he’s been trying to get me to open the door, but I just wanted to cry by myself here.”
“I don’t want to care for the child. I don’t want to see the result of my husband’s infidelity. But I also pity the boy.”
“So, AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“He already got a paternity test and the boy is his.”
“This was one of the questions I asked him earlier, because I was still hoping that the boy was not actually his and he was just being scammed, and maybe we can move past this, but he already confirmed that the boy is his son.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to object to playing happy family with her husband’s child born out of infidelity (NTA).
“NTA. Your husband massively betrayed you, and now he’s moving him in? Not cool.” ~ ProfessorDistinct835
“He is a cheater. He is just putting a ribbon on a sh*tty situation by romanticizing the boy to be another of your kids.”
“He is treating you like the help. The nanny. It is up to you to accept this pre-teen that is a complete extranger to him and you.”
“You and your children are under no obligation to accept this kid. It is his mistake; he should move and raise his kid on his own.” ~ Ok-Beginning-1493
“So he lied to you for nine years and thinks you will be happy that he brings his affair kid into your marriage?! Don’t talk to him again. Kick him out of the house and call a lawyer. He can play happy family with his son then. What a POS. NTA.” ~ ichundmeinHolz_
“Nine years, he betrayed her nine years ago and has continued to lie to her every day since then via omission like. I am floored.” ~ 8Aquitaine8
“He didn’t tell her out of guilt. He would have never admitted that he cheated if he wasn’t being given the opportunity to raise a kid who looks like him. Why is OP assuming that he only cheated the one time that resulted in pregnancy?” ~ 1MorningLightMTN
“There is no way Mr. Lonely would, in a few days, decide to cheat on his wife, decide to have sex, know whose bones he wanted to jump, contact this woman and discuss and agree to having sex, do the deed and decide never to do it again.”
All in a few days. I call it not just bullsh*t but f*cking bullsh*t. I hope OP puts this together as the next days go on.” ~ seagull321
“The brutal audacity of OP’s husband and the emotional blows he rained down on her that he just expects her to get over and be fine with: ‘I cheated on you 9 years ago. I found out the other woman became pregnant and had my baby. I’m now going to take him in to live with us, and I’m so excited! Why aren’t you also excited that we get to have another child like we talked about?’.”
“The lack of remorse for cheating on OP, the lack of empathy for what she’s going through, and the expectation that she’d happily welcome his affair child because they’ve talked about adopting again in the future is so brazen that I wonder if he actually has human emotions.” ~ AccordingToWhom1982
“Has he even considered how your kids would react to a sibling whose existence is due to his deception? I don’t see that going over well. He needs to get out.” ~ Traditional-Theme829
“Since all the kids are adopted, I figured he’d either be vague or pass the kid off as a new adoption. But holy crap, this guy is either the most oblivious, most stupid, or most in denial person ever to be selling this as a great thing that’s happening to them. Probably a combination of all three.” ~ Logical_Ruse
The OP hasn’t provided an update, so what they decided to do is unknown.
But most Redditors advised against making nice with her husband.
Accommodating his infidelity is not something she, nor her children, needs to do.