Testing relationships has become an increasingly common move in recent years, predominantly thanks to social media, particularly TikTok, but while following these trends can gain a lot of points with followers, it tends to take away points where romantic partners are concerned.
The last thing a romantic partner wants is to be humiliated or to feel like their partner doesn't trust or value them, agreed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Sea-Ranger3156 recently married her army husband and planned to move across the country to where he was stationed.
But when he kept testing their relationship, especially their finances, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure she wanted to move across the country or continue their marriage.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by reconsidering moving across the country to be with my husband?"
The OP was planning to move across the country to live with her new husband.
"I (28 Female) recently married my husband (28 Male), who joined the Army and was stationed out of state."
"I’m supposed to move to be with him in a few weeks, but several things have happened that have left me questioning our marriage and whether relocating is the right decision."
The OP's husband pushed her boundaries regularly.
"A few weeks ago, I discovered he was liking and commenting on the page of a woman he used to date, despite not following her."
"When I confronted him, he said they hadn’t been communicating and that she was just 'cool people.'"
"During my most recent visit, he suggested we exchange phone passwords. I gave him my real password, but when I tried his, it didn’t work. He had intentionally given me a fake one."
"When I confronted him, he questioned why we needed each other’s passwords, despite being the one who suggested exchanging them."
Then came issues with their finances.
"There’s also been an issue with finances. I spent nearly $1,000 on a plane ticket and rental car to visit him."
"He voluntarily offered to pay my car insurance to ease my financial burden, but three weeks passed without him following through."
"Meanwhile, he immediately sent his mother $95 when she asked."
"When I brought it up, he eventually admitted he had the money all along and was intentionally testing me to see how I would react."
"For context, I’m a nurse who supports herself. I pay my own rent, car note, insurance, and expenses. I’ve never asked him to financially support me, so I don’t understand why he feels the need to test me."
"Lastly, we previously had a joint account where his paycheck was deposited. When I expressed concerns about him spending his entire paycheck within four or five days, he moved his direct deposit to a separate account because he didn’t want me seeing how he spent his money."
"My concern was never about controlling his money; it was about our financial future as a married couple."
The OP wasn't convinced this move was the right one for her.
"Now I’m expected to leave my job, family, and support system to move to a small town near his base, where I’ll essentially be starting over. All of this has happened right before that move."
"I love my husband, but I’m starting to feel uneasy about uprooting my entire life when there are already trust and financial issues in our marriage."
"Am I wrong for wanting to postpone the move until we work through these issues, or are these normal marital challenges that I’m allowing to get in the way of our future together?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that all of these issues were major red flags that should make her think twice about her marriage.
"Do not get pregnant. Do not trust him. Do not share finances. DO NOT MOVE."
"Something I feel is worth pointing out is the difference in your salaries. As a new recruit, he is likely making poverty-level wages (they should have signed him up for food stamps the day he enlisted), and you, as a working professional, are always going to make more money than he does."
"YOU are HIS safety net. He makes more money because he is married. NOR." - JohnSnowsPump
"RED FLAGS!!!!!!!!!! Don’t do it!!!!! Get out of that marriage!!!!"
"This isn’t stuff to 'work through.' This is red flag, lying territory that can never be worked through because it is who he is, and he won’t change!! Most people never change!!" - New-Street438
"Everything about this guy is a red flag. She will be stuck without money or work for a bit until she gets licensed as a nurse in the state she's moving to. Does she really want to be at his mercy? Sounds extremely risky." - tomorrow4sho
"These are red flags. Suggesting the password exchange and then blaming you for wanting it is manipulative."
"He's hiding his behaviour. He's lying to you and testing you. He's not taking your concerns seriously or discussing your future together."
"Clearly, you feel you need to check what he's doing online, a sign you don't trust him (even though I don't think it's that weird to occasionally talk to your ex, I still follow mine on Instagram even though we broke up over ten years ago; there's a reason we broke up, and it's because we're not good for each other as partners, but it doesn't mean I hate them or anything)."
"Do not move in with him. I'd seriously reconsider the marriage." - AramonDuNord
"NOR. Dude is throwing red flags left and right. While I don't understand the whole looking through each other's phones thing that people seem to be hung up on, that was a big red flag: saying he's hiding something and he doesn't trust you."
"My wife and I know each other's passwords, but I've never looked through her phone, and I don't think she's looked through mine. If there's so little trust that you have to snoop, the relationship will likely end sooner rather than later." - CakewalkNOLA
Others agreed and felt that something was wrong with the whole relationship.
"NOR. Something's wrong with him, girl." - Realistic-Bee-9530
"NOR. Someone you love shouldn’t be constantly testing you, and I think it would be very bad for you to lose your livelihood and support system for him." - Art3misery
"Oh no, oh no, oh no! This guy is an absolute hot mess. She needs to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. Depending on what she learned, when and how recently the marriage occurred, I'm wondering if she could go for an annulment based on fraud." - NanoRaptoro
"NOR. USMC vet... I can almost guarantee that he married you for the BAH money. It almost feels like he's purposefully trying to keep you away... so he can live like a single guy while still receiving BAH."
"Divorce him. It won't get better." - poop_squirrel
"USAF vet here! He gets money to live off base. Why isn’t HE buying the ticket? Why separate a joint account?"
"Liking an ex’s account because she’s cool? Offering a password and then b***hing about it?"
"Dump his a**! As a fellow nurse, you got this!" - Plenty_Cress_1359
"I am a retired 1SG with 25 years in the Army. My title is referred to as 'The Father of the Company.'"
"Do not, I repeat, Do Not, move and uproot your life for this man-child. I dealt with these situations as a 1SG many times. It sounds like your husband does not have the maturity or the integrity that you need in a man right now for this situation."
"At the very least, you should stay where you are and communicate with him, paying close attention to what he tells you. Go With Your Intuition."
"The fact that he is acting the way you explained tells me he has character flaws. I would be willing to bet he ends up not even making his full commitment to the military. I have seen his type a hundred times."
"The teamwork and trust it takes for a couple just starting out in the Military to make this hard life work is just not there for you."
"Cut your losses, keep what you have worked hard for, and move on. In 10 years, you will be glad you did." - snowcatwetpaw
"Being a military spouse is a HUGE ask. He should be grateful and as supportive to you as he wants you to be with him."
"So far we have:"
"Him demanding access to your private conversations without reciprocating."
"Him not being transparent about money use but wanting access to your money."
"Him liking and probably messaging other women."
"Him wanting YOU to move when there’s no reason to trust the situation will be stable."
"Also, him wanting your passwords but not giving his is the MOST telling thing here. Military folks like to bang on about how their spouses aren’t loyal, but in my experience, the person who’s constantly accusing is the person who’s already doing it."
"I don’t think you should reconsider the move. I think you should divorce."
"Normally I’d say leave the marriage, but there’s no actual marriage here, no aligned goals and working together, no clear communication, and no trust from him."
"This isn’t a marriage. It’s a legal filing which will come back to bite you in the a**." - Gorgonesque
While the OP was worried about whether to move and was just beginning to question whether she should continue the marriage, most of the subreddit didn't feel there was much of a marriage to consider here.
They might be married on paper, but with the partner demanding so much and offering basically nothing in return, the OP was better off continuing the life she'd started where she was and getting a fresh start on her terms.
