Sleeping patterns vary from couple to couple. One spouse may sleep soundly while the other has difficulty catching some zzzs.
Other couples may have no problem at all getting a full night’s rest, that is until a baby comes along.
Redditor a**holeamithistime is a 29-year-old mother of a newborn who is having a hard time sleeping, and it has nothing to do with the baby crying incessantly in the middle of the night.
After combating the issue and dealing with the fallout, she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for telling my husband to quit waking me up?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA for calling my husband out on this? Without fail every time my (29f) husband (37m) wakes up in the middle of the night he wakes me fully up to ask me what time it is.”
“Both of us sleep with our cellphones charging next to our beds. So, it’s just as easy for him to reach out and check the time on his own phone as it is for him to wake me up and ask me.”
“My husband says I’m being AH because I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I say, waking me up for something meaningless that he can do for himself with less effort than he expends asking me shows a complete disregard for me and is really selfish of him.”
“Now, I know you’re going to say that I’m making a huge deal out of nothing. But, it’s not like this is a sometimes thing.”
“He does it often, several times a week. And when he does it it always takes me forever to fall back to sleep.”
“We both work full time jobs and have an infant. I do 100% of the nighttime baby duties because my husband commutes farther than I do. So, he says it just makes sense for me to let him sleep since he has to be out the door before I do in the mornings.”
“I need to be clear, I’m not complaining if he wakes me up due to the baby needing me. (I wake up to his cries, I don’t think my husband even hears it.).”
“My complaint is strictly that HE wakes me up to ask me what time it is. I feel like he’s being really selfish. Sometimes, I just want to sleep too.”
“Anyway… AITA for complaining and telling my husband to cut it out? Or, is he being needlessly insensitive to my needs?”
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole here.
“NTA – WTF is WRONG with your husband??? You are completely correct this is inconsiderate and selfish of your husband to wake you up to ask the time. And it is poor parenting and marital behaviour to dump all the nighttime parenting on you.”
“Is he this selfish in other aspects of your lives?” – Artneedsmorefloof
“NTA. You actually have two infants.”
“Your husband is being a massive, massive jerk to wake you up like that, and also, not doing any night duties because he has a longer commute?!? Wtf.” – Classroom_Visual
“NTA. He is being unreasonable and lacks common sense. It’s not that hard to check the phone by himself to see what time it is, instead of disturbing others for no reason.” – saltysegall
“Exactly, OP, your husband is a huge a**** Please, explain to me why, if you both work full time, you take care of the baby, all night, every night?”
“I was a SAHM with my baby, and I was on night feeding schedule and my husband was in charge of diaper changes. Do you really think your husband, would be in charge of nighttime baby duties if your conmute was longer? Let me answer for you, no.”
“Wake him up every time the baby cries and ask if the baby is crying. Lets see how he likes it.” – GretelNoHans
“You are a kinder person than me, because if someone was destroying my already limited sleep like this, my retaliation would be a lot worse than waking them up in return.”
“She’s already getting so little sleep because she’s doing ALL the baby duties and he’s taking even more sleep from her. Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture when it’s extreme enough.”
“He’s even got her convinced she’s overreacting when in my opinion she is underreacting.” – robot428
“My stomach drops every time I read an AITA post where someone (almost always a woman) details truly abhorrent behavior, then says something like ‘I know I am making a big deal of nothing/being selfish/etc.'”
“It seems like one of the biggest red flags of an emotionally abusive situation.” – Alone-Goose7454
“Every single one of these posts reminds me of my father, and I always read them because I’m hoping the comments will help the poster realize they deserve so much better.”
“One incident I think about often, which feels so similar in intent to what OP’s husband is doing to her: we were on a long drive somewhere and my mom wanted some water. My dad said ‘don’t drink water because I’m not stopping for bathroom breaks.'”
“My mom was like, ‘that’s unreasonable on such a long drive, I’m thirsty so I’m going to drink water.’ I remember this next bit so clearly it’s like I’m still watching from the backseat: she raised the bottle to start drinking, and my father – with his face turned to her so he could see the exact moment the bottle touched her lips – slammed on the brakes.”
“The water, of course, went everywhere, her clothes, her face, the backseat where I was, and of course a lot down her throat unexpectedly so it choked her. The look on my father’s face was sheer delight.”
“And just like OP’s husband, when he was called out (it was actually me who yelled at him though), he completely denied any ill intent or that he’d even braked at all, she must just be clumsy and now see she’s wasted our water.”
“Denying someone basic needs like sleep, or water, or food (he used to count the WIC eggs when she was pregnant with me so she couldn’t eat any while he was out for the day, but that’s a story for another time) – these are elements of torture, and the abuser is always getting some kind of sick thrill.”
“Sleep deprivation is a classic tactic for prisoner torture. I don’t know how old your baby is, OP, but denying a postpartum woman sleep when she is already doing all the night duty is f’king reprehensible.”
“Please take some time to examine your relationship dynamic. Think about all the times you’ve been called, or made to believe you are, unreasonable or have a bad attitude or making a big deal out of nothing.”
“How many of those instances still feel to you, in your heart, like you were in the right? If your best friend told you her husband was doing these things to her, what would you think, how would you help her? You and your baby deserve better than this.” – hellohexapus
“This is 100% a move that narcissistic ppl do. Keep you sleep deprived so you start to question your sanity, doubt yourself, and if they catch you slip up, they can say ‘ha, see you’re so incompetent’ they play the long game and this is just the beginning.”
“There’s probably already 100 other red flags like how she’s dismissing her own needs and making his a priority instead of standing up for herself. When you have to ask or beg for basic needs to be met, lawdy child, it’s over! Bye!” – beleif
“If he was needlessly waking me to ask what FU**ING time it was there would be nothing left of him, I’d go nuclear on his a**.”
“If he cannot look at the time by himself then he needs to sleep else where. This an absolute deal breaker because yes this is a form of abuse. When you disturb people during sleep cycles it can have devastating consequences physically and affects their mental well being.”
“OP NTA – but husband is an A H of such epic proportions I cannot write that long.🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬” – moodyfish7777
“NTA. Let me stress this.”
“HE IS THE A-HOLE IN THIS SITUATION.”
“There is ZERO reason for him to wake you up to ask you to check your phone to see what time it is.”
“If he refuses to stop, get an old school digital alarm clock. If he gripes about the light, tell him if he’d just roll over and check his own damn phone, the alarm clock wouldn’t be necessary.”
“Alternatively, you can turn on the flashlight on your phone and shine it in his face when he wakes you up to ask you what time it is.” – HedgieTwiggles
“NTA – but just stop responding and let him think you’re asleep or just tell him to look at the phone. If you keep telling him the time when he wakes you up, even if you’ve asked him not to, he doesn’t have to change his behavior.” – SherbetAnnual2294
The OP responded to the above with:
“I have started saying ‘well what does your phone say?’ And then he moves to the couch because of my attitude. Win-win for both of us.”
Overall, Redditors were appalled by the husband’s behavior and they believed the red flags indicated here pointed to potential abuse.