How soon in a relationship is too soon to discuss expectations?
Should you wait to see if the relationship is likely to last long-term or get things out of the way early so you can move on if you’re incompatible?
A man who was confronted with future expectations three months into his relationship turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
MortifiedRat asked:
“AITAH for refusing a marriage contract that gives my spouse a percentage of my income?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’m not one to have an argument in a relationship and run to the internet for advice, but what just happened is too much for me to keep it to myself. I’m a 30-year-old man, and I was dating a 27-year-old woman who lived in a neighboring town.”
“We dated for three months, and it was going incredibly well. We spent Christmas together, we planned a trip to Canada for next month, we had deep and agreeable conversations about our values and our future plans, etc…”
“Then, we had a late-night video call on Saturday. She had a propensity for being very anxious about the future of our relationship while we were apart, but it was something that we were able to work through each time, and I felt like I could live with it.”
“This time, the conversation turned to a list of non-negotiables she had written out that were mandatory for her in a relationship. She had brought this up before, and I thought it was strange, but the list was pretty reasonable, and it worked for her, so I didn’t worry about it.”
“Well, she decided to add another item to the list: In the event that she got married, her husband would have to sign a legal document requiring him to give her a percentage of his income. She asked me if I would do that, and I told her that I didn’t think I would want to.”
“My resistance to it turned into an argument that lasted for several days over the phone.”
“She sent me paragraphs of explanations about how her experience working as a paralegal, her upbringing in a single-income home in the Philippines, her status as a woman, and her trauma over her last relationship led her to the conclusion that she wanted a guaranteed income from her spouse.”
“She believed that she would never trust a man to want to provide for her, and that she would never settle for anything less than a contract that obligates him to. She would not compromise on this, and it even came down to me being given an ultimatum: I verbally agree that I would sign this contract now, or she would find another man who would.”
“Let me outline my perspective: I’m three months into a relationship, and my partner is demanding that I agree to a bizarre, legally-binding document that would affect my finances for the rest of my life. I expressed that I was not comfortable with doing that, but she wouldn’t let it go.”
“So, even though our relationship had been wonderful up to this point, she ended up breaking up with me over this yesterday. She accused me of trying to manipulate her into settling for something less than what she wanted.”
“She said that I triggered her memories of her last relationship, where she made excuses for her partner, who didn’t put in any effort and deflected her issues when she tried to voice them to him.”
“She felt like my failure to agree to her contract was a sign that I wouldn’t consistently support her needs in the future, and that I didn’t care enough about her to make her feel safe.”
“She was adamant that what she was asking is totally reasonable, and my unwillingness to accept it was unacceptable for her—enough so that it was 100% grounds enough to end our relationship.”
“So, AITAH for not agreeing to her contract?”
The OP later added:
“She indicated that in a marriage, she wanted to work less. Right now she works remotely doing paralegal work, but has another job she does in-person that allows her to do her paralegal stuff when there’s downtime.”
“She asked for 10%. What is even more strange to me though, my current job pays me poverty wages.”
“I’m planning on finally getting a college degree this fall, so her plan is based on the assumption that I get into my field and someday I’m making six figures. It felt like this entire scenario we fought over existed only in her imagination.”
“I got the impression she would want to continue doing remote work, and that her career was important to her. She also doesn’t want to have kids or make any compromises affecting her career.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to refuse his new girlfriend’s ultimatum (NTA).
“NTA. I don’t think there is a lawyer alive who would advise you to sign that kind of pre-nuptial agreement. And, by the way, in many states, both parties need representation for a prenup to be binding anyway.”
“You don’t have to pay for her trauma. Having this conversation 3 months in is bizarre, but she did you a favor in that you didn’t waste more time.” ~ ProfessorDistinct835
“NTA .. this is a huge red flag on her part. Three months, and she wants you to sign away future income? Just no. I think she’s looking for a financial life guarantee not a partnership. Red flags all over the place here. I’m a woman too.” ~ Due_Challenge_1777
“NTA, of course. And glad she didn’t wait too long to chase you away.” ~ Patrickosplayhouse
“I’ve never trusted a man to provide for me either. The difference is that I insist on making my own money so I never have to. NTA. Run.” ~ vita77
“I have been a stay-at-home mom for my whole marriage. It was a choice my husband and I made for our family for many reasons. But we were both very young and naive to what that meant for both of us. I was lucky. He is a good man, and he never used that to abuse me. I left abuse (my family).”
“Now, our kids are in middle school. They don’t need me the same way. I wanted so badly to do something for myself. It felt selfish to want to spend money to go back to school and finish my degree so I can get a job.”
“And you know what my husband did? He supported me. He cheers me on! I finished the semester with straight A’s, and I can’t wait to get out in the world. What if something happens? He could get hurt or sick or worse.”
“We have kids. I need to have something to fall back on. But it seemed so out of reach. The reason it wasn’t? My husband and I are a team. We talk about what’s best for us as a family and that means I can’t neglect myself as an individual.”
“And it benefits them, too. The money will be great, too. I have been so happy and fulfilled. My parents never believed in me, and having a husband who genuinely does helped me find my confidence.”
“One semester and internship, and then I will be a medical assistant, and I am so excited!”
“I would recommend always being able to support yourself if you can. I understand life happens, but there is nothing like the feeling of knowing you are secure.”
“If I could go back and do it all again, I would work at least part-time, so I wasn’t out of the working world for so long. It would have given me something just for me.” ~ Viperbunny
“NTA. She needs professional help to deal with her trauma not a legal document about money.” ~ AthleteSuitable79
“Seriously, ask her what’s she’s willing to guarantee you. Besides, her past relationship trauma is not yours to fix.” ~ Aggravating-Duck-891
“NTA. And even though it sucks you split up, you are better off. She should be focusing on her own career where she makes enough money to feel secure.”
“But instead, she is looking for someone to financially be responsible for her forever. And at 3 months into the relationship, she demands this….imagine the demands in a year or if there are children. Run away and thank her for her time.” ~ PleasantClub8495
The OP provided an update:
“Writing this out and reading your responses is helping me realize that I’m glad I’m no longer involved. Thank you.”
“I saw a lot of comments criticizing how I let her initiate the breakup. My rationale is that this was HER issue, and she felt strongly enough about this to lose me over it, so I let her.”
“I felt it was important that I left her with no room for interpretation—if she regrets losing me, she has only herself to blame. Plus, it’s not like I gain anything out of me doing it. Same result.”
It sounds like this couple’s goals were incompatible.
Better to find out sooner than later.