Being bilingual or a polyglot is a great advantage in life.
But, it can also be used to exclude someone from the conversation.
A woman whose mother seems to be using her bilingualism to exclude her girlfriend turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Peazlenut asked:
“AITA for telling my mom to stop talking in Spanish to me in front of my girlfriend?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“Growing up, my mom told me (20, female) it’s rude to speak a language visitors cannot understand, and yeah, that makes sense to me. I wouldn’t want to be invited to someone’s house and not feel involved in something I was invited to, especially if I hear my name.”
“My mom has been recently talking to me in Spanish whenever my girlfriend (18, female) is around, which we both know my girlfriend doesn’t understand, so I would tell her to please speak English to me.”
“She would oblige but would do it again. I have been giving her the benefit of the doubt, and I think she forgets, but she would only speak Spanish to me if it’s my girlfriend who is coming over.”
“I sat down with her and told her that she needs to put effort into remembering not to speak Spanish to me when my girlfriend is around unless she isn’t there. She told me that she doesn’t need to stop speaking Spanish because it is her house and that she doesn’t have to change anything about herself just to please my girlfriend.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I get where she is coming from, but she taught me that it is rude, and she never speaks Spanish in front of every other visitor we get, so it feels like she has something against my girlfriend, but she won’t tell me every time I ask.”
“AITA for telling my mom to stop talking to me in Spanish in front of my girlfriend?”
“I don’t know what to do. I’d stop inviting my girlfriend, but at the same time, I don’t want to only go over to my girlfriend’s house.”
“I feel like that would be rude and unfair of me.”
“I’ve tried asking Mom, and she says she doesn’t have anything against my girlfriend. I brought up the fact that she doesn’t do this to other visitors, but she denies it.”
“My exes are both women, and my mum never had a problem with them. One of them was White, and the other was dark-skinned (Mexican), like my current girlfriend. Both exes don’t know Spanish either, so there’s something my mom has a grudge against.”
“I already moved out to live in an apartment because I already got the hint after three days of my mom disrespecting my girlfriend. Third day was when I stopped believing my mom about forgetting to speak English around her.”
“Yeah, after a while of her ‘forgetting,’ I saw right through her bullsh*t, and we aren’t having any of it. I’m still trying to coax out why she is doing this since she hasn’t done this to my exes.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I don’t think I’m the a**hole because my mom told me it’s rude to talk in a language visitors cannot understand, but she talks to me in Spanish in front of my girlfriend.”
“I feel like I could be the a**hole because it is her house and maybe parents are allowed to use the ‘do as I say, not as I do’ card.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Mom doesn’t like and doesn’t approve of the person who is taking her little kid away. Just tell her you’re not coming round until she starts behaving and treating your girlfriend with the respect she taught you to have for guests…” ~ ReviewOk929
“NTA. So now it’s YOUR job to stick to it and not go over until mom starts treating girlfriend with respect.”
“Boundaries aren’t what we demand others to do. Boundaries are about what we will do/not do if certain lines are crossed.”
“If you say ‘do this or I’m not coming around’, it’s your responsibility to maintain that boundary and not go around if ‘this’ isn’t done. She’s calling your bluff to see if you’re serious about your girlfriend and exactly how much she can get away with doing.” ~ SomeKindofName42
“It’s amazing she doesn’t seem to see or maybe care about the irony of what she told you growing up and what she’s doing now. The hypocrisy to instill in you that it’s rude but then does it is amazing. Do as I say, not as I do.”
“Seems she doesn’t like your relationship and wants to make your girlfriend uncomfortable enough to break up with you. She sees your girlfriend as competition in taking away her child.”
“It’s things like this which causes some to go no contact with a parent. Then the parent acts surprised claiming, ‘I don’t know why they don’t talk to me, I did nothing wrong’. Nothing, but be rude and disrespectful to your child’s partner.” ~ trvllvr
“NTA. That made the petty in me rise so hard that I physically sat up in bed.”
“I’d just tell her that you truly hope you grow to be a better person than the example she’s setting because watching your parent go against everything they taught you because they acquired a personal vendetta is more than a little disappointing.” ~ teyyannn
“Personally, I’d completely ignore your mother when she was speaking Spanish. Just keep speaking English with your girlfriend. Fair’s fair, right?” ~ Full-Friendship-7581
“Your mom is breaking her rules to make a point about her preferences on who you should date. That doesn’t sound healthy from her side.”
“I’ve seen many parent/child relationships turning sour because of that situation. It is usually torture for the son-in-law/daughter-in-law and broken family links if the daughter/son takes the side of their significant other instead of their parent.”
“I seldom see children trying to investigate their parents’ point of view instead of being confrontational or simply demanding a change of heart from them. At the end of the day, the person in the middle of the storm is the one who has to make a radical decision to build bridges or walls.”
“Why does your mother do that? Ask her.”
“Why would she teach you not to be rude by speaking a different language in front of those who don’t understand and then draw a line regarding your girlfriend?”
“Sit with her and figure this out. It’s your job to foster peace between your mom and your significant other.”
“I do not know if this is the girl you want to marry one day, but if you don’t learn now how to manage your mother’s behavior towards your possible future spouse, that’s a burden no one deserves.” ~ AccountantSummer
“NTA. Next time she does it, don’t say a word. Give her an ‘I-asked-you-not-to-speak-Spanish-around-my-girlfriend’ look, and continue not responding until/unless she speaks English. Then walk away if she continues in Spanish.” ~ WelfordNelferd
“NTA. My boyfriend and his family all speak Spanish at home (for the most part) because it is their first language and his parents are not fluent in English. But, my god, do they try to speak in English for me when I am nearby or in the conversation.”
“If they don’t know the phrase or word in English, they will ask one of their sons to translate for me. I understand Spanish and am getting better slowly, but sometimes my brain just is too tired to translate.”
“Your mom is just being rude.” ~ Ok_Brother604
“NTA. Your mom knows what she’s doing and so do you. It isn’t a mistake. She isn’t forgetting.”
“She is being cruel, rude and excluding your girlfriend on purpose because she wants your GF to feel unwelcome.” ~ StripedBadger
“Remind her that she herself taught you that was rude. Then when/if she does it again, interrupt her every time and tell her (in English) that she must have forgotten and was speaking Spanish with your gf there and you know she’d never be that rude intentionally.”
“If she keeps doing it, say (in English and in front of an audience) that she keeps accidentally switching into Spanish when guests are over, and you’re worried she is starting to get dementia and she should get tested.” ~ Unreasonable-Skirt
“Tell her, yes, she can do what she wants in her own house or elsewhere. But that she is going to be a hypocrite, you will treat her past and future comments about values and behavior as unreliable bullsh*t and not take her seriously again.”
“Also, her rude behavior is now clarified as deliberate, and your behavior towards her will reflect another consequence. Downgrade the relationship to a proportionate level if she stands firm, including restrictions with contract or info about your girlfriend.” ~ Scenarioing
“I would not ever respond to your mother in Spanish when she speaks it to you while your girlfriend is present. Furthermore, the next time she does it, I would call her out on it in front of your girlfriend.”
“Ask your mother that considering she always taught you that speaking a language that not all listeners can understand is rude, are you purposefully being rude and insulting to my girlfriend and if so why exactly do you dislike her so much?”
“Try embarrassing mom a bit and put her on the spot. It may well embarrass your girlfriend too, but I think that can be helped by talking to your girlfriend beforehand.”
“You can follow up by saying that you can be rude, but I’m going to follow your earlier teachings as they were better and more civil to guests. NTA.” ~ Winter-Blackberry594
It sounds like moving out was the best option for OP and her relationship.