Parents always want to be able to help their children.
However, sometimes they know deep down that the biggest help they can give their children in certain situations is by not offering them any help at all.
As it is important to know that they will not always be there for them, and can’t always clean up their messes.
Redditor funzies86 had a good relationship with his daughter.
Even if he had his doubts about certain choices she was making, particularly regarding her boyfriend.
As a result, when the original poster’s (OP) daughter made a life-altering discovery and asked to move in with him, his response was a resolute no.
Wondering if he was being too hard, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not letting my pregnant daughter move in with me?”
The OP explained why he was less than elated by his daughter’s good news.
“My daughter is 23.”
“I’m dad btw.”
“A few years ago my wife (not her mom) took her to get a birth control implant, and she was always happy on it.”
“Fast forward about a year, and she meets a guy (he’s 28) online and ‘falls in love’.”
“He lives in another state.”
“She quickly started talking about how they both want to get married, and both want kids.”
“About 3 months before her trip to meet him in person she told me she had gotten her implant out and switched to the pill because she didn’t like the implant anymore.”
“This kind of raised my eyebrow.”
“She had always talked about loving the implant because she no longer had periods.”
“So I talk to her, we go over how important it is to take the pill properly every day, and we talk about other bc options, she is set on the pill.”
‘I also went over the cost of children, and the amount of work and responsibility babies are with her.”
“Part of my concern here is that her mother openly admits she stopped taking her pills and intentionally got pregnant so I would marry her.”
“I did, and we are divorced now.”
“I also told her that I love my kids and raising them, but I had no interest in raising theirs.”
“I am enjoying retirement.”
“I have a 10 and an 8 yo with my wife.”
“Well, lo and behold, she gets pregnant on her trip.”
“BF is not financially stable and is in another state, and due to morning sickness she has been missing a lot of work.”
“She is intent on keeping the baby.”
“She called last night and asked if she and her bf could come live with me so he could move here and find a job (he doesn’t have any significant work history or education and is morbidly obese which causes him a lot of health problems, so currently he is on disability), and they would save up money and be out before the baby is born.”
“Also note her mom does not have room at her house.”
“I said no.”
“My daughter has a history of not following through on her commitments, and I know that she won’t actually move out before she has the baby, and probably not for a long while after.”
“She has trouble taking responsibility for herself, and I am guessing we will be the ones dealing with the baby mostly.”
“We currently have a cat she adopted and then didn’t want because she wouldn’t clean its box, so it went to the bathroom everywhere.”
“On top of that, I don’t want this man that I don’t know, and she barely knows in my home with my small children.”
“So now he is flying up so they can find a place together (she currently rents a room in a party house).”
“I told her I would help her with the deposit and first month’s rent, but if they wanted to play house I wasn’t going to fund it, so don’t expect me to pay when they can’t.”
“Now she is upset with me, her mom has chewed me up one side and down the other for not supporting her.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let his daughter move in with him.
Everyone agreed that the OP was right in assuming that his daughter’s move-in likely wasn’t going to be temporary, and felt that he was going above and beyond by helping her and her boyfriend with their rent and downpayment.
“NTA, and let’s be honest if your daughter did move in with you, you would most likely be raising your grandchild.”
“She couldn’t even take care of her cat.”
“Since her mom is chewing you out I would suggest to your ex-wife to let your daughter and the baby daddy move in with her.”- angelicdreame
“NTA.”
“It seems she planned this pregnancy and is now seeing the reality of her situation.”
“I think you’re correct, if you let them move in, they’ll never move out.”
“I will caution you though if she moves close to you be prepared to be expected to be the (free) childcare.”
“Her boyfriend will most likely not work because then he won’t qualify for disability, but I doubt he will be taking care of the baby either.”- dauphineep
“You know exactly how it will turn out if you let her stay with you.”
“Her mom can support her since she’s so concerned.”
“NTA.”- StonewallBrigade21
“NTA.”
“I think offering deposit and first-month rent is a generous compromise.”- Mission_Ad6235
“NTA.”
“You are supporting her by offering to help with the initial rent.”
“Your daughter made grownup choices, now she has grown-up responsibilities.”- Revolutionary_50
“NTA.”
“What exactly did she see in this guy?”
“What on earth could he have offered her in life that she would decide to get off birth control and have his baby?”- susanbarron33
“NTA.”
“In addition to what others have offered your 10 and 8-year-old, your current wife and the cat don’t need a morbidly obese unemployed stranger and unemployed pregnant woman disrupting your peace.”- LilPajamas
“NTA.”
“Sounds like your daughter needs a hard dose of reality so she can grow up.”
“Taking her in will just delay that process.”- Spineberry
“NTA.”
“Sounds like she purposely got pregnant to start a life with a loser.”
“She’s very irresponsible.”
“You’re right, it’s best you don’t enable her because you’ll end up raising their child and supporting a stranger, who shouldn’t even be in your home, and her.”
“It’s best she figures this out on her own.”
“Deposit and first month’s rent are a good idea to get them started and very generous.”
“Then she can’t stay that you didn’t help.”
“I know someone on disability who shouldn’t be and has every excuse under the sun why he can’t work, my SIL’s brother.”
“Excuse for everything and blames everyone for his laziness and this is what keeps running through my mind about your daughter’s boyfriend.”
“Then I keep thinking about my sister who never follows through on a single thing she says and got a cat when she couldn’t take care of him and tried backing my parents into a corner, then me and my husband.”
“None of us would take him as multiple people in the family have allergies, and she doesn’t do what she needs to do.”
“I could see something like this happening.”- Shakeit126
“NTA.”
“She wanted a kid with a guy she was having an online relationship with, and now she’s having one.”
“She made an adult decision and needs to follow through.”
“You also have your wife and kids to think about, and the concern about a stranger living under your roof is a valid one.”- ScorchieSong
“NTA.”
“She planned this pregnancy and is trying to use an ‘accident’ to force your hand when you had already made clear you had no intention of supporting her or your grandchildren (outside of usual grandparent behaviors).”
“It’s going to be a rude awakening to her to find out what it’s like to run your own household whilst raising a baby and the father is on benefits, but she chose this.”
“She chose this.”- jazzvoodoodonuts
“EVERYTHING else aside, OP has a 10 and an 8-year-old in the house.”
“Absolutely no way he should be letting any stranger move into his house.”
“NTA.”- solstice105
“‘If you get pregnant, you’re not moving in here’.”
“Gets pregnant.”
“‘Can I move in?'”
“‘No’.”- NTA
With a history of unreliability and bad decisions, it’s understandable why the OP was hesitant to let his daughter move in.
One does at least hope he will have a good relationship with his grandchild.
And, more importantly, that his daughter might get the wake-up call she needs to be responsible, and give that child the happy life they deserve.