Every family is different, and how they handle complicated issues like privacy, trust, and boundaries will vary, too.
No matter how they were raised, two people have to discuss their beliefs, their upbringing, and how they will compromise if they want a relationship to work, warned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor ComplexTotal5840 liked their mother-in-law and was okay with her staying at their house for a two-week visit.
But when her mother-in-law repeatedly let herself into their bedroom without even knocking first, and scoffed at the concept of "privacy," the Original Poster (OP) decided to keep their door locked throughout the rest of their mother-in-law's visit, despite her hurt feelings.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by locking my bedroom door because my mother-in-law keeps walking in without knocking?"
The OP was having trouble with their mother-in-law disrespecting their privacy.
"Last night, my mother-in-law (MIL) casually walked into our bedroom while my husband and I were lying in bed watching a movie."
"No knock. No warning. She just opened the door and started asking where the extra towels were."
"I was so startled, I actually jumped."
"The reason I'm asking if I'm overreacting is because my husband thinks this is normal and says I'm making it into a bigger deal than it is."
The OP enjoyed their MIL, except for her lack of boundaries regarding privacy.
"For context, my MIL is staying with us for two weeks while some work is being done at her house. She's mostly fine as a guest, but she has this habit of just walking into our bedroom whenever she wants to ask something or show me something on her phone."
"It's happened several times already. At first, I tried to ignore it because I didn't want to make things awkward, but it honestly makes me uncomfortable not knowing when the door might suddenly open."
"In my mind, the bedroom is the one place in the house where you expect a little privacy and not to feel on edge about someone walking in. I don't think she means to make me uncomfortable, but it definitely does, which is why I felt like locking the door was the easiest solution."
The OP decided to protect their bedroom space, which hurt their MIL's feelings.
"So today, I started locking the bedroom door when we're in there."
"About an hour ago, she tried to open the door again, realized it was locked, and started knocking loudly."
"When I opened it, she looked really hurt and told me locking the door felt 'exclusionary,' and like I was hiding things from her in her own son's house."
The OP was left feeling conflicted.
"My husband says, 'That's just how she is,' and that locking the door comes across as aggressive."
"But at the same time… it's our bedroom, and I feel like wanting basic privacy there isn't unreasonable."
"I think part of the issue is that he's so used to how things were growing up that he doesn't see it the same way I do. But I do agree it would probably come across better if he's the one who talks to her about knocking. I don't need her to fully 'get it'; I just need her to respect our space and knock first. That feels completely reasonable to me."
"But just the same, now, I'm second-guessing myself."
"Am I wrong for locking the door instead of just letting her walk in whenever she wants?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that it was okay to exclude anyone in certain settings.
"I felt my blood pressure rise just reading this."
"Yes, you're excluding her. It's called privacy. You do not walk into the bedroom of a married couple without knocking."
"Your husband needs to get over his Stockholm Syndrome and tell her to never do that again." - RestlessLegacy
"I'd argue you don't walk into anyone's bedroom without knocking first, as a bare minimum, especially if the door is closed. A door being closed is a sign of privacy needed or desired." - boudicas_shield
"Walking in a bedroom w/out knocking, then having a dramatic overreaction to a normal boundary is a classic narcissistic reaction."
"I was raised by a pair of narcissists, and this still happens to me as a mid-50s woman when I visit my father, who is 86, haha, but now I cuss him out for it; I don't give a f**k if it is his home. No one is ever too old to learn proper etiquette!!" - gardendesgnr
"I knock before going into my KID'S room. I cannot fathom just walking into my GROWN child's room, especially when with their spouse."
"Speaking of, they live together, so it's THEIR house, not just the son's!" - slowasaspeedingsloth
"NOR, OP!"
"Explain to dear Mummy that even when you are in an exam room, the assistant having taken your vitals and gone through their protocols before telling you the doctor will be next to arrive, there is a quick, polite knock before the doctor enters."
"You've gone to this office with her name at the desk, interacted with her staff, been guided to a room and provided with instructions that she will be with you soon, have waited in silence for a few minutes to a much longer time, and the only person you're expecting comes to the door and KNOCKS. Every time. As a formality. Because the door being closed demands that behavior."
"This is not debatable. It doesn't matter if her son owns the house. It doesn't matter if she owns the house. It doesn't matter if the room with the closed door is in a doctor's office building she owns, in an exam room she owns, and she's the dang doctor! You knock."
"That he thinks it's reasonable for her to ignore one of the most basic and easiest rules to follow in all of civilization is ridiculous."
"I stayed in my mother's home for a period of time when I was between. She did the same thing, and I know she taught me the rule. She insisted it wasn't a big deal because we are family and it's her house. (This door didn't even have a lock, and the foundation had settled such that it didn't even latch or close properly anymore.)"
"I'd never been encroached upon through college and adult life; across the United States, the rule is universal. I responded with genuine shock and increasing frustration over subsequent times. Was she losing it? Because she didn't accept the clues, I eventually told her I would really appreciate it if a closed door could continue to signal a knock was in order, and she balked."
"Then I told her I am sometimes not decent, and she might walk in on something. She said she'd changed my diapers and seen it all before. I finally told her there were things I could do with 'it all' now that she's never seen before, and that she should consider how she might feel if that were to happen, given that I had now made the matter plain. That only works sometimes, and we live together again as she ages."
"MIL needs to accept, nay, embrace that a closed door means knocking is expected. Universally, at least in the West. And unless it is a very particular emergency that specifically necessitates she not knock, any barging-in behavior, so named because it is abrupt and breaches basic etiquette, will be met with hostility and a firm reminder that knocking is not optional when you are on the other side of any door that is even 51% closed. And stick to your guns!" - qriousqestioner
Others also reassured the OP that they did not have to have the same relationship with their mother-in-law that their husband had with his mom.
"Just because your husband has no boundaries with his mother, just like she raised him not to, doesn't mean you have to."
"She's way overstepping, as he is not eight years old anymore. And even if he was, a knock is still warranted. Time for a sit-down with him to set him straight. It's your house, too. Locking a door is exclusionary, and there's nothing wrong with that."
"I've found it so helpful in my life to know that just because someone is upset with you, does not mean you've done anything wrong. She can be as upset as she wants, but you've done nothing wrong. Keep locking that door!" - Blue-Being22
"I'm still teaching my mom that a knock is a request for permission and not an announcement that she's coming in, but she at least knocks now, so I've been letting it go." - Fluffy_Musician6805
"Did he not go through puberty in her house? A teenage boy should know that his mother shouldn't enter his room without knocking."
"Keep that door locked, and if she keeps up this bulls**t, she has to leave. If he doesn't like it, he can leave with her. She's playing power games and disrespecting you in your own home, and you do not have to tolerate that. Get into marriage counseling for his enmeshment issues. NOR." - Viola-Swamp
"NOR. I'm so tired of that old 'I cHaNgEd YoUr DiApErS aNd hAvE sEeN iT aLL bEFoRe' excuse."
"I would have preferred it if my mother had never seen my boobs, but I was a kid whose lack of consent was ignored. My mom was in too much of a hurry to wait outside dressing rooms and not barge in until after I'd put on the bras we were buying. She also let the lingerie lady come in to help without me being ok with it. I hated it."
"She barged into dressing rooms and my bedroom throughout my whole childhood. I hated her seeing me undressed because she made comments about my body and didn't care about my feelings."
"Former consent does not mean blanket consent forever. And babies only 'give' consent out of necessity, by the way."
"We are trying to tell these people that we no longer consent. They don't care because they want to do whatever they want to do, no matter how we feel about it."
"The husband shouldn't want Mom popping into his bedroom at any moment, either. It's weird he's okay with it as a grown-a** man who is curled up in bed with his wife." - BlackBasementCats
"NOR. DON'T BACK DOWN. LOCK THAT DOOR."
"You are being completely reasonable. What need does she have to keep coming into your room? What if you're getting dressed? What if you're having sexy time?"
"It is common courtesy to knock when you come to someone's personal space (bedroom, office, bathroom) EVEN IF THE DOOR IS OPEN!"
"I hope you can get your point across, but it seems like MIL is gonna go with the 'hurt feefees victim you made me sad' angle."
"Good luck, guard your space."
"Also, your husband kind of sucks for not sticking up for you... The whole 'that's just what she's like, just do what she wants so she'll be happy' thing is such bullsh*t, why can't he do what YOU want to make you happy?" - akawendals
The subReddit was disturbed by the mother-in-law's lack of boundaries and refusal to respect the OP's privacy, plus the OP's husband's willingness to go along with it.
The bedroom is supposed to be a safe space for a person to retreat to, relax, and be themselves, and it's a space they shouldn't have to share with anyone who doesn't also use that room.
