Divorce is messy.
Figuring out child care and visitation is even messier.
Post-divorce, some parents are irresponsible with their child care demands.
Falling behind on child support causes a lot of problems.
It’s not something one can just outrun.
But people sure do try.
Redditor Equivalent_Scene_608 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for sending Child Maintenance statements to my ex-M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) split up with my ex just over a year ago. “
“We had some issues with getting him to provide for our son (now 8).”
“His parents were very much interested in the drama.”
“When I made an application through the official ‘C[hild] M[aintenance] S[ervice]’ and he received a schedule listing his monthly payments; his parents contacted me asking to agree to an unofficial payment plan, because the CMS amount was just too much, claiming that getting a lower amount agreed between us was better than not receiving a single penny through CMS.”
“I refused, deciding that having this agreement on paper and not receiving it would still be better than maybe getting something.”
“My ex didn’t make a single payment and lost his job shortly after.”
“His child maintenance amount was recalculated, granting him payments of £7-ish/week, which he still refused to pay, which then caused the CMS to collect the money themselves and charge him (and me) some extra fees for the service.”
“His parents were very much aware of it, and complained about it, especially about the fees [he gets charged 20%] and about the arrears that are still on the account.”
“I’m sorry for the long intro, but I find it important.”
“To the issue- it was my son’s birthday last week.”
“I took time off and took him on 2 short stays at one of the UK’s theme parks.”
“When his dad and his family found out, I received a call from his mother complaining that now that I live off her poor son, I can afford to take my kid to trips like this and make his dad look bad in comparison.”
“For context- we’ve been to multiple theme parks over the years, including last year, when my ex still refused to pay a penny for his son.”
“I couldn’t help but laugh [in hindsight, I appreciate that it was immature, I just couldn’t collect myself quickly enough] and told her not to contact me about this ‘issue’ again.”
“Well, she messaged me shortly after.”
“I received a wall of text basically telling me off for making her son struggle, when I spent his money on memories and making myself look like the better parent.’
“I couldn’t take the BS and took two screenshots…”
“1- Holiday booking confirmation (including hotel, park tickets, etc)…”
“2- Total Child Maintenance payments received in the last year.”
“I sent it to her with a note: ‘Has your poor son sponsored our trip or has he taken an active part in providing for [son’s name] over the last year? You can’t claim both. Pick one, please.'”
“In response, I received more angry messages from both ex-MIL upset about being called out like that, and from my ex, who was angry that I got his mother involved and that I pointed out how bad he is at providing for our son.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“I don’t think I got her involved, but my opinion may be skewed, so here I am, asking: Reddit- AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. This is giving everything.”
“I don’t think you went far enough.”
“Bless your heart, are you embarrassed by your deadbeat son? It’s hard to raise good kids, isn’t it?”
“Keep your receipts and use them every time.” ~ froggylove78
“I had an ex like this.”
“The payment calculated was next to nothing, but he still wanted a different agreement between us for less.”
“I had it collected from the start.”
“He worked under the table to avoid it.”
“Luckily, I didn’t have his parents to deal with like you do, I feel for you.”
“From the moment I got divorced, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let his issues decide our lives.”
“I took my kid on trips and to theme parks and put him through private school on my own.”
“He is grown, and his dad was never a part of his life.”
“He never missed him.”
“NTA, and good on you.”
“You’re a good mom.” ~ ImpossibleReason2204
“I did much the same, twice!”
“Slow learner!”
“It would have been nice in those lean times to have had child support.”
“We did ok, and all 4 kids are grown with good careers.”
“I never went after the exes for money because I believed, and still do, that no influence is better than a bad one.”
“Both exes preferred no contact as long as they weren’t expected to be responsible.”
“They were always welcome to use their visitation rights, no matter how much back child support was owed.”
“They preferred to stay out of sight and out of mind.”
“OP definitely NTA, and is a good mama!” ~ Spiritual-Elephant34
“NTA. Fantastic reply – legend status for you!”
“But seriously, just block her number and stop communicating with her.”
“Your ex can deal with his mother – there’s no reason for you to waste your time with her.” ~ your-mom04605
“NTA. Why oh why is it ok for people not to pay proper child support?”
“And why oh why do people think they can comment?”
“Tell his mother you are bringing your son up to be a responsible, productive man; maybe she should take some notes to fix where she went wrong.” ~ nowaymary
“NTA. Of course, he’s telling her he’s paying more than requested, and you’re blowing it.”
“Now that she knows the truth, he’s upset.”
“Block her completely.” ~ Fun-Yellow-6576
“You couldn’t buy a bottle of water at a theme park for the $7 he’s not paying you, so I hardly think this is a ‘YOU’ problem.”
“He’s a deadbeat, and his mother is delusional, and the combination has to be hard to take, but you’re handling this just right.”
“They can’t fight logic and apparently don’t live in a rational world, so I’d just let the ex continue to dig his own grave and put the mother on permanent ignore.”
“It’s sad for your son, but thankfully, he has one parent who’s making him the priority – well done, mom. NTA.” ~ forgetregret1day
“NTA, but delete her number.”
“It’s up to your child’s father to accommodate visits to his side of the family; there’s no need for you to be in contact with her.” ~ International-Fee255
“NTAH. But you are wasting your time with a denier of reality.”
“You cannot have a rational argument with an irrational person.”
“You cannot win an argument with someone who refuses to accept reality and facts.”
“So don’t bother.”
“Continue through CMS, you were right, he will not pay unless it is enforced by law, and as you have already experienced, he will resist that as well.”
“Stop arguing and fighting with his mother over this.”
“Stop responding to her.”
“You might think about blocking her.”
“But definitely ignore her messages and refuse to further entertain her by responding.” ~TheMagicCat0622
“NTA – his mother got herself involved.”
“Honestly the both of them are pathetic, and I would simply block her, as I doubt, according to the court order, you have to remain in contact with her.”
“If your ex is unable to facilitate a relationship between your child and his mother, then that’s also his own problem.”
“The easiest way to stop making it your problem is to completely eliminate them from communication outside of a parenting app.”
“Enjoy your time away!”
“Ignore them!”
“Block, do not disturb.”
“Stay engaged in the moment with your child, and place no focus on people who would rather fight with you than be present and loving figures in your child’s life.”
“That is their choice, and it’s not your job to make them show up any easier.” ~ gurlwithdragontat2
“NTA. She involved herself the moment she tried to guilt-trip you over your own parenting.”
“You just handed her the receipts.”
“Actions have consequences – especially when you come for someone unprovoked.” ~ Expensive-Height8831
“NTA, but don’t engage.”
“You rightfully have no respect for her, so don’t be dragged into justifying your choices to her.”
“It just frustrates you and gives her ammo.”
“By engaging, you are sending the message that her opinion matters to you, and that she has a plausible reason to criticize you; neither is true.” ~ CandylandCanada
“NTA. You didn’t get his mother involved; she chose to involve herself.”
“His refusal even to attempt to support his child is disgraceful.” ~ diminishingpatience
OP came back with some extra information…
“I thought I’d edit the post to answer the most repeated question…”
“I’ve been in touch with my ex-in-laws solely to allow them to stay in touch with my son.”
“They have a good relationship with him, but they struggle to make arrangements with my ex to have proper grandparent-grandchild time during my ex’s custody times.”
“It’s worked quite well in the last months.”
“I do agree with you guys- this incident just made me want to cease all contact with my exMIL, and I will contact them, letting them know that from now on I’d like them to make alternative visitation arrangements between themselves, so I can have some peace and quiet.”
“Your comments about being TA to myself made me realize that in attempts to keep my child happy and have contact with his extended family, I’ve given them too much freedom to try to butt in and comment on my own life.”
This is a messy situation, OP.
Reddit has your back.
It’s terrible when a parent refuses to take responsibility for their own child.
You did what you needed to do.
Just keep focusing on your son’s well-being and your mental health.
Good Luck.