While life would be easier if all family members and their significant others got along well, more often than not there are some personality clashes.
When the clash is between your own child and an in-law, it’s assumed loyalties will be divided by blood whether it’s true or not.
No one expects a parent to remain neutral.
A mother whose son assumed she sided with his sister against his wife turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Frosty-Sink-7675Â asked:
“AITA for letting my son find out my diagnosis over social media when he wouldn’t talk to me alone?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“This issue started awhile ago, when my son married Becky. Becky and my daughter do not get along. Looking in on it, personalities don’t mix well.”
“They frustrate each other a lot. About a year ago, the family was having a BBQ and Becky was asked to bring paper plates so no one had to clean plates.”
“She brought plastic plates so my daughter would need to wash them in order to give them back to Becky by the end of the night. The BBQ was at my daughter’s home.”
“I think it was a breaking point for her, because she grabbed me and went inside. She had a big rant where she was not pleasant about Becky.”
“It was mostly about her not following instructions and in her eyes she was incompetent. I told her to calm down and just enjoy the night, I would do the dishes.”
“A few days later I got a call from my son saying he will only communicate with me if Becky is there. So group chats, if she is on the phone with him, or in person.”
“He heard that we were talking sh*t about his wife and this is what he is doing now. Same thing with my daughter. He didn’t let me explain.”
“So from them on we have been communicating that way. It has been frustrating at times and I don’t feel like I can talk to him about anything personal.”
“This bring me to the main issue—I have breast cancer.”
“I informed the kids one by one about it. I am not comfortable explaining my diagnosis with his wife in the room.”
“We are not close and I am very emotional about it. So I texted him that we needed to talk alone and he told me that anything I say I can say in front of his wife.”
“I called him, but no answer and me saying it was very important didn’t do anything.”
“My option was to tell him with an audience or not tell him and let him learn from someone else. I chose not to tell him.
“I had my first appointment and my daughter made a post on Instagram wishing me luck and support.”
“He called me up pissed that he found out about this on social media and called me a jerk for not telling him. My point was I did try and he wouldn’t listen to me.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I let my son find out about my breast cancer diagnosis over social media since he wouldn’t talk to me alone.”
“I could be a jerk since this was important information for him to know and I didn’t tell him, instead Instagram told him.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA—I’m sorry about your diagnosis OP and I wish you the best of luck for your treatment.”
“The truth is, you asked your son for a private conversation and he said no. He does not then get to berate you for not telling him.”
“This is the consequences of his own shortsighted actions and, frankly, you don’t need the drama right now—something else he might consider before yelling at you about his own perceived slights.
“You DID ask him, and he said no. Really sorry you have to deal with this on top of the cancer, OP. Please look after yourself.” ~ heather20202024
“OP, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer for the 2nd time during the height of COVID in 2020. And because my aunt’s husband is such a controlling a**hole who manipulates her by claiming anxiety over getting sick, my aunt wouldn’t go over to my grandparents’ house whatsoever.”
“My grandma didn’t want to tell my aunt over the phone. She’d beg my aunt to come over.”
“Finally my grandma got so sick my mom took matters into her own hands and called her sister to say ‘Mom is and has been dying this whole time. She wanted to tell you in person herself, but has now reached hospice state and is so out of it that now I’m telling you to get your a** over to her house now if you want any chance of saying goodbye’.”
“My aunt now lives with the deep regret that she never got to have one last meaningful conversation with her mom where my grandma could participate. All because of her husband and of course because she has no backbone when it comes to standing up for herself with him.”
“One day your son is going to have these same regrets if he doesn’t wisen up to how he’s been behaving. And he’ll have no one but himself to blame.” ~ achristie-endtn
“NTA—The fact that he called you a ‘jerk’ as opposed to calling you and asking about you and your health….well, that says it all right there.”
“I’m so sorry. Please just focus on yourself and your health.”
“The plastic plate thing—your DIL brought them to the party with the demand that they be given back to her? Hell no!! If she wanted them, she could’ve dug through the trash for her precious plates.”
“Focus only on you and what works for you. If updates are sent via social media or text, it’s ok however you want updates to be sent regarding your health. If your son doesn’t like that, too bad.” ~ One-Comb2574
“NTA, he’s making his choices. Your medical info is private and if he doesn’t want to give you the opportunity that’s 100 percent on him. My sister is the same way with her husband. So be it.”
“Was Becky on the phone when he called you pissed off? Because, there’s an awful lot of irony there if not.” ~ maj0rdisappointment
“NTA—Becky sounds like an instigating a**hole and your son is an enabler not even hearing you out.”
“He established a no contact type policy because he doesn’t like his self centered wife being called out.”
“You tried to tell him and he refused to meet up with you.”
“Now he is upset he found out this way when if he met up with you and didn’t put his a**hole wife on an unearned pedestal he would have been told face to face.”
“I am so sorry you are going through all this! And I wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery.” ~ sunlightofourpast
“NTA. You are not required to discuss your health with anyone you don’t want to. He chose to only communicate if his wife is involved, so now he has to deal with the consequences of those actions.”
“Some may say to give him grace, that the wife is probably controlling or etc, but he’s an adult. Unless there is some type of mental disability, he knows what he’s doing and has to deal with the consequences!” ~ Renailane
“NTA. How on earth did adding Becky to every conversation with your son stop anyone talking badly about her among yourselves? You didn’t say anything to her or him.”
“And every child (regardless of age and marital status) has a right to private conversations with a parent.”
“You tried to let him know privately. You said it’s important. He didn’t care.” ~ InterestingAnswer837
“NTA. He needs to understand that if he isn’t willing to open up a solo communication channel, there are a lot of things he will miss out on, including updates on your progress.”
“He chose to take this stance, and that has consequences. This is one of them and it isn’t up to you to fix. I hope you get better soon.” ~ New-Razzmatazz2148
“First, the plate thing. I would have accepted the plates and set them aside and informed Becky where the nearest store was so she could quickly get the requested paper plates and explain that I am sure she doesn’t want to be washing the plates at the end of the night before she leaves.”
“Petty I know but it gets the point across. Sorry but it was bugging me.”
“Second, your son needs to grow a pair. Sometimes it is not about his wife. If he was worried the conversation was going to be about her, he should have informed you first if that was the case he would shut it down, but he didn’t even give you a chance.”
“You are NTA!!! Becky has no say on how you handle your diagnosis and your son is sooo a spineless a**hole.” ~ Fancy_Bass_1920
Whether or not OP ‘s son is included in future conversations about her health appears to be up to him.
Hopefully he doesn’t come to regret his choices.