People and their pets… that can be a complicated discussion in public.
A lot of people feel like they are parents when they care for an animal.
The terms “fur baby” and “fur parent” are popular titles in this day and age.
But just because that is how a person acknowledges themself, does it mean everyone must act accordingly?
Redditor InitialSong2898 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my D[aughter]-I[n]-L[aw] she is not a mother?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (64 F[emale]) have three kids and they are all married.”
“This post is about my son and his wife, Jenny.”
“Jenny struggles with infertility, and she has no children.”
“My other son (DIL is expecting next month) and my daughter has recently had her own kid (my grandson).
“Everyone was busy for Mother’s Day, and they couldn’t meet up with me for the holiday (that’s fine; they are starting their own families).”
“I thought it would be nice to send my expecting DIL/son and my daughter a Mother’s Day basket.”
“So Jenny always made comments that her two dogs are the first grandkids, I always thought it was a joke.”
“She is big on being a dog mom.”
“My daughter posted a picture in the group chat of everything she got for Mother’s Day and included the basket. “
“My other DIL also thanked me for her basket in the chat.”
“Jenny called me soon after and asked where her basket was.”
“I was confused and asked what she meant (I thought she was pregnant, and she was just telling me now).”
“She clarified since I have two grandkids by her already and said her dog’s names.”
“I was even more confused at this, and she clarified that she was her dog’s mother and should have gotten a basket.”
“I told her she is not a mother, Mother’s Day is for women who raise human children and not pet owners. “
“She got really upset and cursed me out for not getting her a basket and that she is a parent.”
“My son is telling me to apologize and to send a Mother’s Day basket over.”
“He is calling me a jerk for not sending her a basket and telling her she is a pet owner.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So, Reddit… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. I understand that her infertility might be hard for her, and she loves her dogs, but at the end of the day, it really doesn’t make her a mother.”
“While people may love their pets (I love my dog), the reality is they aren’t children.” ~ AiofeCherish
“I think this should be a legitimate worry – it’s clearly an extremely sensitive time right now.”
“The other DIL is pregnant and the daughter’s baby is fresh, so it sounds like a very raw moment for this DIL.”
“I commented lower down about my aunt and uncle who were estranged from my grandparents and vice versa for very similar reasons.”
“My aunt never made the kind of nutty demands that OP’s daughter-in-law is making (she suffered in silence) but the insensitive comments in the early years of her coming to terms with their infertility really did irreparable damage to their relationship.”
“The comments my grandparents made weren’t on the face of it that bad – things like just talking too much about the other babies, commenting on how quiet their house was, etc.”
“My uncle tried to warn them but instead of listening and taking on feedback, my aunt was constantly dismissed as being over-sensitive.”
“I think the real damage was not the comments themselves, but their unwavering sense of self-righteousness, dismissal of her feelings, and inability to fully empathize.”
“I think OP should be really careful, even if she doesn’t agree, she should ask herself whether the relationship with her son as well as the DIL is worth risking.” ~ restless-researcher
“As a 40-year-old with no children (by choice!) and 3 cats, I would never expect someone to acknowledge me on Mother’s Day.”
“I kind of would be a little weirded out if they did.”
“I consider my cats my babies, but that’s a personal thing that I would never expect anyone else to acknowledge or honor.”
“My only thought is maybe the infertility thing is really affecting her emotionally, and it’s manifesting itself in this odd way.” ~ Yosemite143
“I 100% agree with this – presumably this is also the daughter and other DIL’s first Mother’s Day being celebrated, with one being very pregnant and the other with a newborn.”
“That must be such an incredibly difficult time for someone struggling with infertility.”
“And, for Jenny/son to have been trying long enough to know there are infertility problems, she probably started out thinking that she and her husband WOULD be the first ones to give OP grandchildren and now, not only is that not the case as there’s a baby in the family, there’s also another one imminently arriving.”
“I think NAH.”
“Jenny could have reacted differently, but so could OP.”
“I’ve gone NAH rather than ESH because I think they were both doing their best in the circumstances.”
“OP, it is so incredibly difficult when going through infertility to watch people around you get to experience what you’re so desperately hoping for; sometimes it just bubbles over too much and some days (like Mother’s Day itself, never mind with almost two brand new babies in the family) are just too hard to practice grace.”
“She shouldn’t have lashed out but I think her family could have shown some sensitivity.” ~ Plastic_Melodic
“NTA. But… Since she struggles with infertility and Mother’s Day and knowing your other DIL is pregnant must be very hard for her it would have been a nice gesture.” ~ InAppropriate-meal
“A woman really in her feelings over being infertile on Mother’s Day.”
“Obviously, DIL is in the wrong, and op is NTA, but this seems like one of those times to worry less about who’s the AH and have some compassion.”
“It doesn’t need to be a basket, but maybe something to show you care.”
“Then again like I said DIL is off base, OP can also just leave this one be.” ~ padfoot211
“Technically NTA, but I’m sure with her infertility struggles, Mother’s Day is a really difficult day for her.”
“It’d be nice to acknowledge her feelings in some way.” ~ Ok_Impression_7737
“NTA… but you could have been a lot more kind.”
“Struggling with infertility can be a relentless emotional agony.”
“The main reason I think you are not the a-hole is because you didn’t bring it up in the group chat — that really falls on your daughter.”
“And then, it’s wild to think that your DIL would demand to know where her basket is, again in the group chat.”
“Super awkward.”
“I can see why, when this was sprung on you unexpectedly, you reacted bluntly.”
“But still, overall, she doesn’t need an explanation of how Mother’s Day is defined.”
“Trust me, she knows, and it probably eats at her heart.”
“If attaching some of her coping strategies to her dogs is helping her, anything you can do in the future to support her would be a kindness.”
“You don’t have to believe dogs are equal to human children to do this, you don’t even have to go all out on the concept, but you could respond with a little empathy.”
“Her husband should also support her by gently and respectfully asking his siblings to be more mindful of how things like this play out in the group chat.” ~ madra_crainn
“NTA. I’m sympathetic to her struggles, but she is being unreasonable.”
“As much as I love dogs, dogs are not human children.”
“It makes no sense to expect a Mother’s Day gift if you have never been pregnant or adopted children.”
“She probably needs counseling.” ~ thechaoticstorm
“Jeebus… Does your son demand a basket on Father’s Day?”
“Do they celebrate the dogs’ birthdays and expect equal gifts for the canine and human grandchildren?”
“Your son and DIL need counseling more than a gift basket.”
“NTA, they’re unhinged and delusional.” ~ pnwwaterfallwoman
“NTA. As harsh as it may sound, Mother’s Day is about Mothers who are human and have human babies, whether biologically, through adoption, surrogacy, or fostering, it is meant for human mothers.”
“You can love your pets like your child but that doesn’t mean others have to follow the same narrative.”
“Being a parent to a pet and to a human are two vastly different things.”
“They cannot be compared, no matter how hard we try.”
“I don’t think that you should apologize to your DIL or give her a gift basket.” ~ BoredofBin
“NTA, but I think it was insensitive of your daughter and DIL to post a picture and thanks in the group chat.”
“They should have had respect for Jenny’s fertility struggles and thanked you privately.” ~ Maximum-Ear1745
“All these NTAs are kind of crazy to me.”
“Yes, pets are not human children, but for some people, especially infertile couples or even young couples starting off their family journey with pets, their fur babies are just as important.”
“Maybe you didn’t have to give her the same level of gift as the other 2, but it would have been nice to include her.” ~ Freesiacal
“NTA for sending no Mother’s Day basket, but yes, you are the a-hole for rubbing it into her face that she struggles with infertility and that she’s not a real mother, you are really, really, reallyyyyyy an a-hole for that one, especially because you know about it.” ~ CrazyLady2900
“NTA. Just because DIL believes her dogs are her children doesn’t make it so.”
“You don’t have to play along.” ~ Every-Spell4684
“NTA. Dogs, bless them, are not children and DIL’s delusion of motherhood is not particularly healthy and shouldn’t be indulged.”
“Stay kind and try to get past this.”
“But hold your ground.” ~JoeLefty500
“NTA. Yes, infertility is hard, and everyone deals with it in their own way, but raising a pet is VERY different from raising a child.” ~ starry-skyline
“I straight up call my dogs my babies in front of my human child (lol), and I still would not call myself a mom if I didn’t have a kid.”
“I love my kid, I love my dogs, but having a dog is not the same as parenting a child, and I would never expect a gift for owning a dog. NTA.” ~ bentscissors
“NTA… She needs help to deal with her infertility.” ~ ProfessorDistinct835
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
It is unfortunate that your son and DIL are struggling with infertility.
But that doesn’t mean they get to lash out.
Also, the relationship between people and their pets is a very real connection.
You’re not mocking hers.