Behavior issues in children affect more than just their immediate family.
But does the responsibility for those children begin and end with their guardians?
Are other family members required to tolerate or accommodate behavior like fighting, tantrums, violent outbursts, or stealing?
A mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a situation with someone else's kids.
Officer_mama2016 asked:
"AITA for stealing back Pokémon cards Mlmy fiancé's nephews took (and possibly taking extras)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"To set the background, I'm 29-female, my fiancé is 31-male, and I have three children (8-female, 7-female, 5-male). Sometime last year, my daughter Summer (the 8-year-old) started collecting Pokémon cards that her bio-dad would gift her during visitation."
"I haven't kept up with the fandom as I aged, but collected coins as a kid and loved the idea of helping my daughter grow her collection. I have also supplemented the collection from lucky Goodwill finds. It is about 5 binders worth of cards, with cards from between 1995 to 2018 generally and some are very rare."
"My future sister-in-law (SIL) asked my fiancé if we could babysit her two sons, Peter (8-male) and Paul (7-male), while she was out of town for the weekend as she has to pick up her husband's nephew for something."
"I was not keen on this for a few reasons, being:"
"• Peter has to attend an alternative school for anger issues and outbursts, and though they have become less frequent I wouldn't know how to handle it if something happens."
• Peter has had issues in the past with stealing money from my fiancé and me when we would leave cash out in our room. His mom would get defensive about it, but $10 was never something I'd die on a hill for, so I'd usually drop it."
"• Peter has also tried stealing my daughter's Pokémon cards in the past or my DBZ cards. I took them back but it blemished my relationship with my SIL a tad."
"Despite all this I hoped the weekend could go smoothly as she needed the help, so me and fiancé agreed."
"However, last night while I was at work, Summer called me and asked if she could 'give her Pokémon cards to Peter'. I could hear Peter whispering in the background."
"I was very clear in saying NO because I couldn't advise if there would be a fair trade or if he would take the more valuable cards. Later I asked my daughter if she really wanted to give him the cards and she said 'no'."
"This morning while tidying my daughter's room I saw all the Pokémon binders out. I had a bad feeling, opened them up, and discovered HALF THE COLLECTION missing. The binders were full but now there were empty pages and scattered cards missing. I was pissed."
"I went to Peter's backpack and found some of my DBZ cards, my other daughter's full rock collection, and a massive plastic bag with a bunch of Pokémon cards dumped in."
"I took everything back and sorted my daughter's cards from Peter's, though I was just going by the card's print dates as Peter only had cards from 2022 and beyond (so I thought). I put the sorted cards in a lunch box."
"I told my fiancé at the time about this, but Peter and Paul have noticed their card stash is much lighter and started whining, saying that their aunt gifted them some older cards that are missing."
"Even if they say some of their cards are missing, I literally have no way of knowing. If they hadn't touched our binders, it wouldn't have been an issue at all."
"Hell, they could have nicked a few, and I wouldn't have noticed or cared. But so many were gone, and they just tossed them in a big ole bag."
"I'm sick and tired of them thinking they can just steal whatever they want from our house."
"AITA for not giving them any cards back, even if some are actually theirs?"
"I'm worried they'll complain to my future SIL."
The OP later added:
"I honestly think my fiancé has a soft spot for his little sister/her sons because they used to all live together, and her prior relationship was abusive, so he was a big part of her support system."
"Which I love about him! But this also means that he has often given them the benefit of the doubt when issues arise."
"In the past, my future SIL never really believed me when these issues were brought up. And when he'd get caught stealing money or cards, she'd seem upset that I was making it known or asking for it to be fixed."
"We've had other (non-major) issues before and I don't want to seem like there's always an issue with the kids."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I need to know if AITA for taking back all of the older cards I found in my fiancé's nephew's stash, after discovering that he stole from my daughter."
"I may be the a**hole because the kids are claiming that they are missing cards their aunt gave them. However, since they stole so much, I can't verify what's theirs and what's my daughter's, so I haven't given any back."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Honestly, the petty in me says if you accidentally had a few of his cards, it's karma for being a little terrorist. If he complains to his mom, I hope she lets him know these are the consequences of being that way, and I hope he learns a lesson.
"If mom comes at you instead, it sounds like a perfect segue to the conversation regarding no future babysitting." ~ TrainerHonest2695
"NTA, but tell your SIL before the kids do! When there are conflicts among children, it's important for all the parents to work together on this."
"Just explain that they took tons of your kid's cards, and you did your best to recover the correct cards. They are now claiming that you took some of theirs, but you don't believe them."
"And even if you did take a few by accident, that's a reasonable consequence for their repeated stealing."
"And then do not give in or negotiate. You were the parent in charge for the weekend, and you did your best. That's all there is to it." ~ ScarletNotThatOne
"Tell them they get to rejoin the fun times when they learn to stop stealing. Or invite the one that doesn't steal, and say the consequences for people who take things that belong to others is that no one wants to be around them."
"That we can want things other people have and be sad that we don't have it but then we have to deal with it and move on—we can't just take things and still think we will have friends after." ~ PokeyWeirdo12
"NTA. You don't know if they're telling the truth anyway. But you do understand that you can't have them in your home again or unsupervised with your daughter, right?"
"It's not fair to your children to let kids that pressure them & steal from them in their home. Your fiancé can see the kids at their house if he wants to help his sister again." ~ amjay8
But many took OP to task over her avoidance of the issue.
"Why do you keep exposing you and your kids to this? What are you even getting out of this relationship. You're absolutely NTA this time, but you would be if you keep exposing your kids to this thief." ~ tybbiesniffer
"With respect, you're handling this wrong. There is no 'fixing this'. There is no 'compromise' here and you should stop trying to make one."
"You need to talk to your fiancé and tell him straight up that you don't want these kids in the house anymore because they are thieves."
"You don't want anyone in the house who steals your stuff. You'd say the exact same thing if it was your own mother, you'd make no excuses and say you don't want her there."
"So you want to have an agreement with him that those two kids are not welcome in the house for at least a year. Maybe they will learn in a year, at which point you and he can revisit."
"But you want you and him to be in agreement that they are not welcome, that if they show up they will be turned away."
"And that if this causes family drama, you will be happy to be the bad guy, posting in a family email exactly why they are not welcome, explaining that this isn't 'kids borrowing stuff' but rather them intentionally going through a binder of valuable preserved graded collectors items and tossing them haphazard into their own backpack."
"Anyone who steals from you is not welcome in your home, full stop."
"You need to have a spine here. I know it's hard. But you need to stand up for your family." ~ SirEDCaLot
"You're taking this way too lightly. Honestly, YTA to your kids for repeatedly putting your kids in a position where they will suffer."
"The nephews are a known quantity. They're going to steal, break things, and terrorize your kids."
"YOU are the one who is putting your kids in a position to be harmed, though. YOU are inviting them into your house, apparently unsupervised?"
"This is WAY more than just stealing cards. Your nephews apparently coerced, threatened, or potentially hurt your kids to force them to agree to give up their treasured possessions."
"You should find out ASAP what actually happened, because I seriously doubt the anger problems, uncontrollable kid just politely asked your kid nicely to give over half of her entire collection."
"I cannot imagine how, as a kid, I would feel about that. If they got their most rare card back and it was damaged, it's not just that it was stolen, but YOUR KID was forced to give it away."
"Every time your kid looks at that card, she's going to wonder what if she said 'no'? Depending on what the nephews said, maybe she'll wish she were a little stronger. A little tougher."
"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but you need to understand that YOU did this. You need to protect your kids."
"So this is not a 'let's have a conversation about what to do next' situation.
"This is a 'those kids are never alone with my children again, period'. They are not going to be allowed over to the house. They're not going on playdates. They're not coming for the holiday dinner. This is non-negotiable. Your kids need to feel safe in their own house."
That should be a bigger priority than not making waves with your future in-laws. Why do you care more about their feelings than your children's safety?" ~ ErikLovemonger
Something needs to be done about the stealing.
Just because the boys' mother chooses to ignore and cover up the problem, that doesn't mean the rest of the family—and the significant others of the family—have to do the same.
