When people get married that often means a merging of family, if everyone is close or even has a family.
And family can bring along baggage. Everyone has to learn a new dynamic.
Learning that dynamic can be stressful.
So better to start conversations on changes sooner than later, or at least before the honeymoon.
Case in point...
Redditor
Psychological_Pin184 wanted to discuss their story for some feedback. So naturally they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:"AITA for not wanting my father-in-law at my honeymoon?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:"My husband and I took a month long honeymoon to the Cancun area, where my husband’s parents own a home." "While staying in the family home, we heard a knock at the front door and upon opening it, I saw my father-in-law who said 'surprise!'” "My husband is a very non-confrontational and respectful son so he did not share his feelings on the situation with his father." "However, I felt a need to share my opinion, so after spending approximately 24 hours with my F[ather] I[n] L[aw] in Cancun, I told my husband that I would like to move our honeymoon to an Air bnb (which we were planning to do in a couple of days anyway)." "My husband agreed and we left." "But, I have since had both my FIL and M[other] I[n] L[aw] bring up my rudeness in the situation and tell me that I am far too sensitive." "In response, I explained that I believe it is inappropriate to show up to someone else’s honeymoon unannounced regardless of whether you own the property or how long the honeymoon is (their two main arguments)." "I actually find it worse that he owns the property since I felt that I could not say no." "I should add that this is not the first time that I have felt my in-laws have acted oblivious to what I believe are very basic boundaries." "Nor is it the first time they have told me that I am much too sensitive and cause drama.""Please tell me, AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It's a tricky situation.
Let's hear some thoughts..."NTA. Why in the world did he show up during your honeymoon?! (I'm serious, I'm dying to know what reason he gave for this clearly weird ass action)." ~ HellaShelle
"Watch out for this being a very enmeshed family with loose to no boundaries." "Your husband needs to stand up to his parents, or otherwise they will continue to walk all over him and make your married life hell." "Don't let them frame you as the nagging, shrewish wife who stole their boy away from them, either. Your husband is the key to setting boundaries, the sooner the better." "NTA obviously." ~ katiekat0214
"Definitely NTA don’t let them gaslight you into thinking it’s anywhere near normal for a parent to be around for any part of the honeymoon." "As someone in a similar in-law situation but like 10 years ahead of you, I wish I would have started couples therapy sooner." "It’s taken a long time for my husband to start separating from his boundary-trampling family." "He really needed to hear from the therapist that he needed to prioritize the needs of the new family we were creating over his family of origin, because I think until then he thought his parent's needs should trump ours." "It’s not perfect but we’re light years from where we started- we have kids now and we plan ahead a lot on where our family boundaries are before we do an in-law visit." "And both work hard to be on the same page and same team with each other so we can be a united front." "Start researching narcissistic personality disorder, and maybe all the cluster B personality disorders or borderline, because I’d bet money there’s some of that going on." "The more you know about the dysfunction, the better you’ll be able to help your husband disentangle himself and the better prepared you’ll be to draw lines when important in a firm but gracious way." "Good luck and I hope you get a do over honeymoon!" ~ disappointmentcaftan
"I had to go through this with my dad after I got married to my now wife." "Growing up I was close to my dad but after I got married I obviously needed to focus on my wife as she was my priority." "I guess my dad was thinking that he was losing his son and wanted us to come over to my parents place Friday nights after work for dinner, and then coming over for lunch on Saturdays." "My wife and I did it at first but we were like we wanted to spend our free time with each other." "It was a tough conversation to have with my dad but it was one that needed to be had." "Your husband needs to speak up or your marriage is going to suck." ~ MRHS95
"It's not as rare as you think." "I have a B[rother] I[n[ L[aw] who was convinced that his and our kids (all adults, married or in a relationship) looooved if he is in our vacation home when they are there with their significant other's and friends." "His wife and I tried to convince him it is not the case, but his excuse was that if they had problems with it they would tell him." "So that's what happened." "We told kids to stop pretending for the sake of him not being butthurt, and to tell him that they are NOT OK with him being there if they are there." "Yeah, he did get butthurt, but he asked for it. You did nothing wrong, NTA." ~ LakiPingvin
"NTA: I’d ask if that want to watch you create their grandchild while they’re at it." "That a honeymoon is for a couple for privacy." "Anyway I’d also would tell you’re husband he needs to start setting up boundaries like this with his parents or you’ll have to start seeing a couples counselor in the future." ~ Elizis
Well that is quite the family drama.
The first thing to do in a relationship is set up boundaries... with the rest of the world.
Hopefully our OP can find comfort in knowing that people are on their side.
Honeymoons with parents don't seem like a popular idea here.
