When friends plan a group activity, sometimes details can get overlooked.
It may not be intentional, but certain issues may arise from poor planning, and that can cause some drama.
Nobody likes to be excluded from activities, and nobody likes to see somebody else get excluded.
But it happens.
So, what does a friend do in these situations?
Redditor KlutzySpend7837 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for excluding my obese friend from rock climbing?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“There’s this new rock climbing center that just opened up at the mall.”
“My (17 F[emale]) group of eight friends were in town when I suggested we go try it out.”
“However, when we got there, one of my friends was pulled aside and told to weigh herself.”
“She’s technically obese, and they told her that she couldn’t participate since she weighed too much for the harness.”
“She was extremely upset by this and started crying.”
“She then asked the rest of us if we could do something else instead.”
“However, everyone else really wanted to try rock climbing, and we didn’t want to miss out because of one person.”
“I said we could hang out with her after we finished, but she just went straight home.”
“The next day, she texted us saying that we were fake friends for abandoning her and making her feel excluded for her weight.”
“She said I was selfish for even suggesting rock climbing without considering her weight because I’d assumed that she weighed enough for the equipment.”
“I told her that it wasn’t our fault that she wasn’t allowed in, but she said the rest of us should’ve stood by her.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP WAS the A**hole.
“I’m going with YTA.”
“If I’m understanding your post, you guys were already out together when you decided to try it.”
“You could have gone and done something else when you found out one friend would be excluded and gone rock climbing on a different day without her.”
“It’s not like this was a dedicated trip for the purpose of rock climbing.”
“And you really expected her to sit around alone and wait for you guys to finish?”
“For real?”
“It’s pretty clear how little you value this friend.” ~ riontach
“YTA. It’s fair enough that you didn’t know going into it that she wouldn’t be able to participate, but continuing with the plans and excluding her even though she was already upset and humiliated was not the behavior of decent friends.”
“If you all still wanted to do the climbing, you easily could have rescheduled for another time, but you only valued your own wants and feelings, and 100% disregarded hers – that’s not the behavior of someone who cares about another person.” ~ hannahkelli
“This feels like the correct compromise.”
“Feels very YTA just to exclude this girl completely and act like it’s cool to just say it’s fine we’ll meet up later!”
“Surely some of the group could have hung back.”
“Like, of course, she was upset and went home.”
“She was not only probably embarrassed but also hurt by her friends.”
“Rough age regardless, but definitely rough as a teenager.” ~ jhanco1
“This, 100%!”
“I once invited a friend to come to a winter destination with me and other friends, but I left it very clear from the start that we would be doing lots of activities that she wouldn’t be able to partake in because she’s obese and also had recently broken her leg.”
“So things like dog sledding, hiking long distances, etc.”
“But I said that if she didn’t mind sitting some of the activities out, it’d be lovely to have her for the activities that she could actually do.”
“She was super cool about it and understood that while we love her to bits and wanted her company, we also wanted to do a bunch of things that were once-in-a-lifetime experiences.”
“She came and did her own things whenever she couldn’t join.”
“However, I would never in a million years invite her, only to drop her without managing expectations, especially if she was upset.”
“And if that had been an impromptu activity, even less so – I’d have just left the place and gone somewhere else. YTA.” ~ PlasticLab3306
“YTA. I think doing something that includes everyone present is what good friends would do for each other.”
“She was understandably incredibl[y] embarrassed and upset by the situation, and you gave no reason why you and the others HAD to go rock climbing that day.”
“I mean imagine you and [a] group of friends decided to go somewhere, and you found out your friend in a wheelchair couldn’t participate because the building/event wasn’t wheelchair accessible – would you also tell that friend ‘Sorry, we’re still going to go in?'”
“Or if you invited a group of people out to eat and you found out the restaurant had no vegetarian options for the vegetarian in the group – would you tell them ‘Sorry, but we really want to try this restaurant.’
“And ditch them??” ~ anothertypicalcmmnt
“YTA. You kinda just abandoned her.”
“That’s an incredibly embarrassing situation, and you all just left.”
“Depending on how okay she is with her weight (most of my friends are on the larger side, they’re aware and fine with it) in the future, maybe see if there are any weight limits for things you want to do.”
“If there is, maybe do that activity with a different friend and do something without weight requirements with her.”
“It’s SO embarrassing to be called out for not being within weight limits when you’re there, so if you can avoid that when you get there, it’s ideal. “
“It’s not your fault she’s obese, but it’s how you chose to handle it.”
“I wouldn’t ditch my friends to do something, especially if they were crying over it.” ~ B_schlegelii
“YTA. Honestly, think the word obese triggers people.”
“It colors the whole argument and makes people want to argue about whose fault her weight is.”
“But that is beside the point.”
“Let’s say one of your friends couldn’t participate because of a broken leg.”
“Would it be okay to let them sit alone and watch while all of you have fun when all they thought you were doing this day was casually hanging out together?”
“Frankly, you and the people who are interested in trying it out can do so at any point you like.”
“But it’s bad manners to leave one friend out of the activity.”
“If she really is your friend, you should be concerned about how she feels, and you would want her to have fun with you.”
“Not let her watch from the sidelines while you have fun. So YTA.”
“If you had told her beforehand you wanted to go rock climbing, she could have opted out and done something else with her time.”
“You saw her cry and get distressed, but that didn’t make you feel bad enough to reconsider.”
“I don’t know about you, OP.”
“But I wouldn’t feel like having fun while I can see my friend cry alone on the sidelines.”
“I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself, so I can see how she gets the impression that your friendship is fake.” ~ TZH85
“YTA… or you would be if I thought this was real.”
“Most climbing harnesses have a minimum breaking strength of 15-25 kilonewtons.”
“That is 3375-5620 pounds of force.”
“Either you were rock climbing at some sadistic murder trap run by someone with a weak spot for fat people, or this is a ‘fat people is bad’ troll.”
“Why do people make up stories about things they know nothing about?”
“Anyone whose done the slightest amount of rock climbing knows this is bulls**t.” ~ cleanpage4adirtygirl
“YTA… you abandoned your friend, you made an embarrassing situation for your friend worse.”
“Sure, you didn’t know, who knew?”
“But she was put on the spot in front of your friend group and whoever else was present.”
“You are saying ‘Yeah, you are fat, see you later.'”
“Perhaps someday you will gain weight and your B[oy]F[riend]/husband will say ‘Yes, in fact, you do look fat in those jeans’ in front of your friends.”
“You may know you gained weight and know it’s true, but you will feel very embarrassed.” ~ karenskygreen
“YTA. Time for some remedial kindergarten lessons.”
“Sharing is caring!”
“That includes sharing your time and experiences when part of a group.”
“You need to take turns!”
“That doesn’t include kicking out people who can’t take a turn because of physical, mental, or emotional reasons.”
“Use your listening ears!”
“After seeing and hearing how upset your friend was, how could none of you have any sympathy for her and agree to do something else?”
“Instead you want her to sit around, watching your group have fun while ignoring her and her feelings while she was stuck in a place that really embarrassed her.”
“Most important and lacking of all… BE KIND!”
“Do I really have to point out your failures in kindness in detail?” ~ Ok_Reach_6527
“YTA. My group of friends has always been ‘all of us, or none of us.'”
“Had it been a pre-arranged activity, then fair enough, give everyone the info to check restrictions, etc, but to go on a whim and one be turned away, then, had it been me, none would have done the activity.”
“No matter how much I wanted to do it. 🤷🏼♀️” ~ Effective_Papaya_710
“YTA. It’s not like you all drove hours for some once-in-a-lifetime activity that she couldn’t participate in.”
“You chose this over being there for your friend when she needed you and asked for you not to exclude her.”
“I think she was wrong to say that it was selfish for you to suggest climbing because you had no way of knowing that she wouldn’t be allowed.”
“But it was certainly selfish of your entire group to choose climbing over your friend when she needed you.”
“You could have gone back to the mall to try it another time.” ~ willikersmister
“YTA. You were all already out together so it’s definitely weird to stay for an activity she couldn’t participate in.”
“I’d understand not inviting her when you go next time, and that’s just something she has to deal with.” ~ KittensNCheeze4Life
“YTA. I read this as you were all hanging out when you decided to go rock climbing spur of the moment.”
“It does not appear that you went out with the previously planned intention of rock climbing.” ~ Sylvurphlame
“YTA. I get that you wanted to go climbing, but what you should have done was go do something else and go back to climb when she wasn’t with you.”
“I can’t believe you’re surprised that she just went home!” ~ MirabelleMac
Well, OP, Reddit has some issues with your actions.
Your initial planning wasn’t intentionally malicious, but the fallout could’ve been handled better.
Friends are supposed to stick together.
You may want to reach out to your friend and really listen to her side.
This can be a fixable situation if everyone wants it to be.
Good luck.