Moving in with someone can be overwhelming. You are used to your stuff, and to doing things a certain way.
So, it is frustrating when your partner doesn’t respect your stuff.
Redditor pinkpajamas47 encountered this very issue with her fiancé. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for calling my fiancé an overgrown toddler?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I just wanna start this off by saying I love my fiancé dearly and I know he isn’t doing it intentionally….but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.”
“He’s an incredibly clumsy and unaware person, and he’s constantly ruining/staining/breaking my things. Some of it can be replaced, but most of it is sentimental.”
“He’s been like this our entire relationship and I’ve never messed up anything of his except for one t-shirt. I’ve lost countless of my things due to him being careless.”
“So because of that, I’ve decided that I’m turning the spare room into my room, where I keep all of my valuables, etc…”
“He got upset because I told him he wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go in it or use it. For one, he’s a hoarder and the entire house, front yard, everything is all full of his stuff anyways.”
“I just want one room to myself is all.”
“So I told him I wouldn’t need to have my own ‘room’ if he wasn’t an overgrown toddler, I told him I hate feeling like I have to baby proof everything just to keep things important to me safe.”
OP’s fiancé’s feelings were hurt.
“He was hurt by what I said, and I can understand why, but at the same time I don’t know how he doesn’t understand why I’m frustrated.”
“I think I may have gone too far with the insult, but at the same time I don’t know how else to make him understand my feelings because everything else has fallen on deaf ears.”
“I should’ve used the word careless instead of clumsy, because he doesn’t fall or stumble, he just stacks his things on top of my fragile things until they break, he knocks my things over when trying to get to his things, he sets his drinks on top of my books and then sometimes knocks them over.”
“Please stop bringing up the ‘what about your future kids’ thing. We aren’t having kids.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed everyone sucks in this case.
“You guys may want to seek some serious help before moving forward on this marriage.”
“Setting up your own private room while engaged doesn’t sound like a good solution in any situation.” ~ Thediciplematt
“Yep. I’m a klutz and yeah, often careless with my physical possessions (and even when I’m careful, seems like accidents just happen to me more often). But…”
“There are some things of my GF’s that are No Touching off limits. I don’t touch those things.”
“When I am handling my GF’s things, you’d better believe I am very very very careful. I would never carry her laptop one-handed or while carrying other things, when I do that all the time with mine. It’s fine if I want to take risks with my own stuff, but not hers.”
“Despite all these efforts, yeah, she accepts that a bit of klutz is the price of being with me. But I do try very hard.” ~ RainahReddit
Redditors argued that OP’s solution was interesting.
“I think it’s pretty normal for couples to have separate rooms for things/hobbies when they live somewhere big enough to accommodate it. I definitely agree they need counseling but ultimately what needs to change is the fiance’s carelessness and OP is not an AH for safeguarding their stuff in the meantime. NTA.” ~ enterpursuingabear
“I think having separate rooms for hobbies is one thing, like idk one of you have a woodworking room and one has a gaming room. That’s fine.”
“But choosing to have your own spaces is entirely different from having to keep your stuff hidden away because your partner is careless.” ~ Helenarth
“Yeah I certainly don’t think it’s a permanent solution. But I don’t think it’s fair she’s being called an a**hole for it when it seems like a very reasonable response to her fiance’s carelessness.” ~ enterpursuingabear
“This. My husband and I each have our own offices, but he’s welcome to come into mine for a book or office supplies or what have you.” ~ MadTrophyWife
“Yeah, I don’t go through or needlessly move my husband’s stuff, but if he told me I wasn’t ‘allowed’ in one of the rooms of my home, that would be a problem.”
“Regardless of how you think he acts, OP, you can’t marry a toddler. You can’t make rules that your husband has to obey the way you would for a kid.”
“You two are adult partners, neither one of you is solely in charge of room access.”
“Right now he’s disrespecting you and your stuff, and you are setting up rules about where he’s allowed to go, which is just not a working relationship at all.”
“If he won’t commit to counseling to work on mutual respect and communication, and actually do that work, you need to think about how this relationship is really going to look in the future and if you want to spend your life with someone who is inconsiderate and disrespectful.” ~ Bananapanda123
Some shared their experience with hoarders.
“Hi OP, I was in a relationship with a hoarder for 5 years. He didn’t respect my stuff same as you describe in your relationship.”
“We were having constant fights because he was always rearranging my stuff, lumping it with his etc…”
“Everything was always a mess, he was constantly bringing junk home he found by the side of the road, or that he’d randomly bought on craig’s list or something.”
“We could never have anything nice, and he kept promising to clean up but never actually did anything significant. I couldn’t have friends or family over.”
“It was too embarrassing. At the time I didn’t think that much about it, but it was a constant source of anxiety for me.”
“I just never felt at home there. I would never live like that again, and I’m so glad I got out.”
“Hoarding is a mental illness. Just like any mental illness, the person who suffers from it has to take responsibility to manage the symptoms themselves.”
“It’s their responsibility not to force others in their lives to deal with their issue. Your fiance doesn’t recognize that he even has an issue.”
“You’re going to live the rest of your life like this. You’ll never be able to have a home you’re proud of, have people over without cringing at the place, or have any possessions you care about.”
“If you want kids, they will likely have to get therapy as teens and adults because to deal with the trauma of having parents who cared about stuff over their well being.”
“I want to encourage you to do some research into people who have lived long-term with hoarders, or grew up with them. You’re not just getting married.”
“You’re choosing a lifestyle designed by a mentally unwell person that will put a strain on you and your relationship for as long as you’re there. You deserve to make informed decisions and really understand what you’re getting into.” ~ QuixoticLogophile
“This, this, absolutely this. I am one of those kids who had a hoarder parent (father) and I’m STILL in therapy at 52 years old.”
“Hoarders do NOT change. They can’t, any more than a narcissist can.”
“You will be stuck with this for life, or, probably, worse–usually the older hoarders get the worse the behavior gets.” ~ Cauth_Bodva
It sounds like this couple has a lot to figure out before they tie the knot.