Co-parenting between parents and stepparents can be a difficult process.
The rules can be different under different houses.
This can lead to the ceding of the decision-making power to sometimes exclude one parent.
This doesn’t always go over well.
Tempers have a tendency to flare in these situations.
Redditor LisaoftheRoses wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for doing a group Halloween Costume with my Stepdaughters that their Mother doesn’t approve of?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (35 F[emale]) am the Stepmother to two lovely ten-year-old twin girls who I adore.”
“I have been married to their father (38 M[ale]) for five years, and we dated for two years before that.”
“I consider myself very close to them, and we always have fun whenever they stay with me and their father.”
“They recently asked what kinds of movies I watched when I was their age, so it led to me digging out some old classics, most notedly ‘The Parent Trap.'”
“Of all the older movies I showed them, this one was their favorite.
“I think they got a kick out of seeing a movie about twins.”
“They even delighted in the fact that, in their opinion, I look like Meredith Blake (it’s the hair, I think, no way am I as gorgeous as Elaine Hendrix).”
“It has become an inside joke among us, with me often putting on her voice and acting the part while they fall into hysterical giggles.”
“My husband has even gotten into it and is playing the clueless Nick when we get into this playful spirit.”
“The girls are staying with us for Halloween.
“They alternate who has them on holidays, and whoever has them for Halloween is in charge of the costume.”
“The girls asked if I would do a group costume with them.”
“I was touched and told them, of course, and asked them what they wanted to do.”
“I should have seen it coming.”
“They wanted to do ‘The Parent Trap,’ with them as the girls and me as Meredith.”
“I found it harmless and agreed.”
“My husband found it funny and said he’d even dress as Nick then.”
“I got a call from their Mother today telling me she’d heard of the costume and she didn’t approve because she felt it wasn’t appropriate.”
“I at first was touched and assumed she worried about their stepmother being portrayed as a wicked gold digger, and told her it was fine, it was just an inside joke that had occurred that sparked this.”
“That wasn’t the issue; she didn’t think it was appropriate for me to do a group costume with her daughters at all, and that it was clearly lazy, and I was forcing it, as why else would her daughters want to do a costume from an old movie?”
“I got rather upset here but tried to stay calm on the phone, and I told her she might not approve, but it was harmless and I’d been in the girl’s life for 7 years at this point.”
“My husband, who was in the room during the call, could see I was getting upset, so he took the phone from me and began to get into it with his ex-wife.”
“Telling her that she could have all the issues she wanted, but it was an entirely proper costume for their age, and it had been the girls who suggested it.”
“Reminding her it was up to him what they dressed as this year, and he’d approved of it.”
“I got him to calm down as he was getting upset, and the call ended rather tersely.”
“I just feel awful about this whole thing, and I wonder if I should just bow out of matching the girls in costume, if it will prevent further problems.”
“I just know this will be a bigger thing down the line.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Am I the a**hole?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. The girls’ mother isn’t upset about the costume; she’s upset that her daughters love you enough to want to do a group costume with you.”
“This is 100% about her own jealousy and insecurity.”
“Don’t back down.”
“The girls asked you, and it would hurt them if you pulled out now because their mom threw a fit.” ~ Final-Dirt-5250
“THIS! My mom and stepmom didn’t get along, but they never made it MY problem.”
“Mom knew that my stepmom loved me and treated me well, and that’s all that mattered to her, which is exactly how it should be.”
“NTA for sure.” ~ jane_was_here_
“It’s a bit of a lose-lose situation, by no fault of your own.”
“You can’t control how their mother feels or make her feel more secure.”
“However, I think bailing on the costume will make her look like the bad guy to her daughters.”
“I would personally ‘take the heat’ as the adult and let the mom be mad at me.”
“Don’t discuss it with her—let your husband handle those calls.”
“Halloween will come and go, and the mom will eventually get over this, but the girls will definitely remember the fallout of their mom and step-mom fighting and you being forced to bail (if it goes that route).”
“The mom’s jealousy is blinding her to the bigger picture here.”
“Just keep your head down, do the costume, and let her be mad for a few days.” ~ PrancingPudu
“So her only objection is that she thinks it’s ‘inappropriate?'”
“When considering what’s appropriate behavior and what’s not, I am very firmly in the camp of ‘Whatever makes you happy and harms no one else.'”
“The girls would be happy.”
“You would be happy.”
“Their dad would be happy.”
“The costumes are not offensive.”
“The girls’ mother is not being harmed in any way by what the girls wear.”
“Go ahead and do it. NTA.” ~ ThisWillAgeWell
“I definitely pictured the old Hayley Mills version myself… apparently I’m showing my age, and I don’t even think I’m that old! 😂”
“I will say I find it far superior to the Lindsay Lohan version.”
“Also, NTA at all.”
“I love that the girls are close enough with you to have inside jokes and want to do a group costume!” ~ CAR1018
“You’re NTA, but I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that the 1998 version of The Parent Trap is an old movie.”
“I wonder what the girls would think of the original version.”
“Sounds like their mom is jealous of your relationship and is actively trying to negatively impact it.”
“Sad, because she should be glad her daughters have a loving, involved stepmom.” ~ Dittoheadforever
“NTA. My stepmom dressed up with me in M&M costumes one year.”
“One year, I was a bat and she was a witch.”
“I always had a blast, and I’ll always remember getting to go with her and how awesome she is for doing that.”
“The only person getting hurt by this is doing it to herself.”
“It’s definitely jealousy, and you and your husband are putting the most important people first, the girls. Good job!”
“Stepmoms/dads get so much crap and don’t get nearly enough credit for helping to raise the kids.” ~ StarbuckandTex
“Clear NTA.”
“Sounds like their mother is upset that you’ve got a positive bond with the kids.”
“Well done, enjoy your group costume!” ~ Fearless_Spring5611
“NTA, and I’m sorry that anybody makes you believe you’re ‘only’ their stepmother.”
“You’re part of their family, and one that engages with them and cares for them, which is everything they so desperately need in childhood, especially coming from separated parents.”
“Clearly, the girls enjoy the movie, they requested the costume, and they love you enough to want you to be a part of it.”
“You have nothing to be guilty about, and I think the mother definitely needs to consider why she thinks it’d be inappropriate, because I think it would be more confusing for the girls if you DIDN’T participate with them when you’re all hanging out for Halloween.”
“They’re not stupid, they know mum and dad fight.”
“But the less they are dragged into being a part of that fight, the better off they’ll be.” ~ bindobud
“NTA. But the girls’ parents, their mother and father, should use this to reassess what boundaries they have with the role of step-parents and how to handle conflict or when they feel someone has overstepped.”
“The girls’ parents having a respectful and successful co-parenting relationship is going to make their lives a lot easier and less stressful.” ~ O4243G
“NTA. You’ve clearly been a positive influence in those girls’ lives, and being rewarded accordingly by them wanting to spend time with you in a fun way.”
“Saying no to them would definitely send the wrong signal, as you are clearly a part of their family.”
“It sounds like their birth mother is simply jealous that you’re becoming a more defined maternal figure in their lives as they get older and get to make more thought-through decisions on who they look up to.” ~ CiaranChan
“NTA – whatever issues the ex-wife has, I doubt it has anything to do with costumes.”
“Sounds like something else is up with her.” ~ Old_Fart_on_pogie
“NTA. Step back from talking to their mother.”
“This shouldn’t be your fight at all.”
“Their father should be talking to her.”
“If he approves of the costume, do it.”
“Unless the children are at risk, she has no say in what goes on in your home.”
“Especially with something as harmless as this.” ~ HazelTheRah
“NTA. Document all of this.”
“Get her to admit via text.”
“Just in case she does try something, and your husband has to go to court over it.” ~ mecegirl
Reddit is fully with you, OP.
This was the girl’s suggestion. Their mom is out of line.
If their dad is cool with it, and it’s HIS year for the Halloween decision-making, then that’s that!
Go have fun!!!