Deliberately doing something you know bothers a person isn't a sign of affection. But emotionally stunted people sometimes mistake the attention they get for being annoying as proof of connection.
A wife turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her husband's constant poking.
Literally.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Intelligent-Box9013 asked:
"AITAH for publicly embarrassing my husband?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I don't know what everyone else calls this, but where I'm from, when you quickly jab/poke someone in the ribs it's called 'tasering'."
"I have always hated being tasered with a passion. It makes me jump, it's uncomfortable, I have just always vehemently hated it."
"Over the years, my husband would do it to me and, in the beginning, I would gently tell him I don't like it and that it upsets me. He kept doing it, so what I said graduated to I hate it, stop, I f*cking hate when you do that, etc... and it always causes a fight."
"He continues to do it. Not frequently, but at least a few times a month."
"Now in addition to being mad because I've always hated it, I'm additionally pissed off that he knows how much I hate it and still chooses to do it. I know it may be irrational, but it makes me so furious I start to tear up from anger over it."
"Every single time he does it I get angry, tell him once again that I f*cking hate it, and he gets mad at me for being mad. 'You can't take a joke', 'I'm just flirting', 'I'm being playful, why can't you just be playful', 'you're always so dramatic about this'."
"I've told him repetitively that I'm fine being tickled in the ribs, but I cannot stand being tased and the fact that he gets mad at me for being angry when he knowingly is doing something I hate is absurd."
"Two days ago I was getting ready for a family dinner out (his side of the family) and he tased me. I got angry, he got pissed off that I was angry about it. I let it go because we were about 5 minutes from leaving."
Then at the restaurant at a long table of about 12 of his family members he tased me again. I told him (not yelling, but very firmly and loud enough for some to hear) 'You know how much I hate when you do that. I have been asking you to stop for years. I keep telling you over and over how much I hate it and you won't stop. It always makes me angry, why do you keep doing it?' He was visibly embarrassed and replied 'Well I do it because you always have a reaction'."
"On the car ride back home he lost his sh*t at me about how much I embarrassed him in front of his family."
"Now, I did intentionally say it loud enough so some people would hear because at this point I am so over not being listened to about this. His siblings and cousins heard, but we all went back to dinner without further issue."
"Two days later he's still furious for being publicly embarrassed, but I'm still angry because why do I have to keep saying the same thing over and over again?"
"AITAH?"
The OP later added:
"What else was I suppose to do? I've tried sitting down and talking to him privately, I've gotten mad privately, I've explained my feelings privately and up until now I've never once reacted when he does it in public, which he has many times."
"We've been together for 10 years since I was 24. Trust me, the man I met at 24 is NOT the same man he is today. He has changed dramatically to the point his family has even written him off in the past few years."
"I have an IUD and, generally speaking, don't want kids, let alone with him, so luckily none are in the picture."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to call out their husband's childish, annoying behavior (NTA).
"NTA. this is a horrible thing that he keeps doing to you. Is it worth staying with someone who disrespects your boundaries and your body so much?" ~ Ambitious_Dragon_13
"The fact that he keeps doing it to her despite repeatedly telling him that she hates it is more cruel than anything. Who does something like that to their loved ones?"
"Unless they secretly hate them. I think it's more than just a sign of immaturity." ~ IceSeeker
"The fact that he's embarrassed shows he knows what he's doing is awful. It's about dominance." ~ Krystal-Blu
"Since he loves reactions, she should start kicking him in the balls." ~ PrideofCapetown
"Doing something repeatedly that someone doesn't like isn't annoying. It's abuse. You're being abused."
"Dump this f*cker and divorce him because, OP, if I were you, his cheek would have been sore from how hard I would have slapped him. You've gone through this for so many f*cking years."
"It ain't worth it. You know it, we all know it. Embarrass him by making him be single." ~ No-Communication9458
"NTA. Tickling people without consent or after being told repeatedly to stop is legally considered physical assault where I am. From children to adults. Several grandparents have gotten a necessary wake-up call by being reported for it."
"I don't see why poking someone in the ribs after they have been saying stop for years would be any different. It hurts, it's your body and you said no. The last part is the most important. You said no."
"Him doing it on purpose because he enjoys seeing your reaction and making you angry? That's telling. He likes seeing you angry. He likes upsetting you. He finds it funny."
"Touching those we love in ways that upset them isn't logical..Nor is it loving behaviour. That's boundary and consent violating behaviour. It's not acceptable, from anyone."
"He's upset you called him out in public because he knows what he's doing is sh*tty and he wants plausible deniability for it.
"Can't have any deniability if you 'make a scene' every time he does it around other people and they see how often he crosses your boundaries and how little he cares about your bodily autonomy and consent."
"He doesn't want his reputation to be accurate with this, meaning he knows what he's doing." ~ Cool_Relative7359
"You tried calmly explaining, you tried having a conversation, and you tried yelling. Calling him out in public is a consequence of his inability to listen and adjust his behavior. NTA." ~ loki2002
"I am a 62-year-old male. If you feel that you cannot divorce him, I would do everything I could to keep at least four feet away from him at all times."
"If you're going out for dinner, I would sit in the backseat of the car under the excuse that you have been getting car sick lately sitting in the front. If you're out for dinner, I would sit across from him all the time."
"If you're out with other people, I'd make sure the seating arrangements are such that you would not be sitting right next to him. I agree with everyone else, this is assault, and you need to physically get away from this animal." ~ Puzzled-Activity-559
The OP provided an update of sorts:
"Thanks for all the replies. For those saying divorce, trust me, I know. Without getting too much into personal details, I can't divorce him (yet) because I'm living in his country on a visa connected to him."
"It's honestly because I've been trapped with this visa situation that I've been putting up with it."
"I've moved my entire life in America, where I was born, to here in a country in Africa. Both of my (divorced) parents and their new spouses even moved here to be close to us."
"If we get divorced before I get citizenship, then I lose everything and will be deported back to America, where I now have no family (my parents & partners literally sold their houses and moved here)."
"I'm an only child—my parents don't have any close family and never had more kids with their new spouses. They're all retired, so they wanted to be closer to me, and the cost of living here is much cheaper, so their retirement savings go further."
"Important to note that this was not a visa marriage. I've lived here for almost 15 years. He was a different person 10 years ago when we met. I fell in love with him when I was 24, and now I'm 34 and don't even recognize him."
"Once I can get divorced, I will. My entire life is here, so once I can safely stay, I'm going to get divorced and start over."
"The country I'm in has what they think of as a big immigrant problem, so they make getting citizenship VERY difficult. I can apply for it this year, though!"
"The wait time is extremely long, and then after it's hopefully approved, we have to prove we've stayed married for I think three years afterwards. Once it's approved, though, I plan on moving out and just not formalizing the divorce until I pass that final hurdle."
It's unfortunate that OP feels trapped in this relationship.
Hopefully, she can get away from her tormentor sooner rather than later.
