Petty squabbles can become big rifts when people try to one-up each other in insults.
A man who never got over something a former classmate said to him turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a chance encounter years later.
Alfredodiliman asked:
"AITA for reminding an old classmate what he said to me years ago after I found out where he works?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (23, male) had a classmate back in high school. I wouldn't exactly call him a close friend, but we were more than just classmates. We talked sometimes and were generally cool with each other."
"Back then, I had already started working out, and he used to call me 'ripped, so we got along fine."
"After high school, we went our separate ways, but we were still friends on Facebook. One day, we ended up chatting, and I honestly don't even remember how the conversation turned sour."
"But he suddenly got really hostile and started insulting me. It escalated to the point where he created a group chat with some of his classmates just to talk trash about me."
"They were all saying things about me, but one thing he said stuck with me all these years. He said: 'You'll probably end up as a computer shop attendant anyway'."
"That hit me hard at the time, especially because we were both studying Information Technology. It felt like he was saying I would never amount to anything."
"Fast forward to now. I'm working remotely for a company. No RTO, fully work-from-home."
"I get to keep most of my salary since I don't spend much on transportation or food outside. I can help my family financially, and after work I can literally just lay down and rest."
"Overall, life turned out pretty good for me."
"Earlier today, I randomly ran into him. I noticed he was wearing a white uniform, so I thought maybe he was still studying or doing some kind of internship. I asked him, 'Are you still studying?'."
"He said no, he's already working."
"Turns out he works at an automotive company as technical support. It's a decent job, nothing wrong with it, but from what he told me, he earns a lot less than what I currently make."
"I'll admit something here: the moment he told me that, the memory of what he said years ago immediately came back to my mind."
"So I said something along the lines of, 'Oh, that's cool. At least you didn't end up as a computer shop attendant like you said I would'."
"He kind of went quiet after that, and the conversation became awkward. Later, I started wondering if maybe I shouldn't have said that and just let the past stay in the past."
"Part of me feels justified because what he did back then really hurt me and stuck with me for years. But another part of me thinks I might have been petty for bringing it up."
"So AITA for reminding him of what he said to me back then?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"The action I took was bringing up something my former classmate said years ago to insult me."
"When I ran into him recently and found out where he works, I told him something along the lines of 'At least you didn't end up as a computer shop attendant like you said I would', referencing the insult he made about me in the past."
"I might be the a**hole because I brought up an old insult years later in a way that was meant to throw it back at him and compare our situations now. Even though what he said back then hurt me, I could have just kept the conversation polite and moved on instead of making the comment."
"My remark made the interaction awkward and could have come across as petty, or like I was looking down on him."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors couldn't decide if the OP was (YTA) or wasn't the a**hole (NTA) or if everyone sucked (ESH).
"The fact this bothers you tells you your behavior was beneath your expectations for yourself. How you treat others shapes you. YTA."
"If you see him again, apologize and explain that his comment had rattled around in your head. Teenagers/college kids project their own fears onto themselves." ~ Woodmom-2262
"NTA, you didn't disparage his occupation, and you repeated only his sentiment he directed to you. No reason for you to feel petty." ~ AmateurExpert__
"Guy said what he said when he was in college, probably projecting his own fears onto others. OP said this to him as an adult after seeing that the guy's life isn't going that well. I don't know, honestly, but ESH at the very least." ~ rishado
"There's this story about Adam Sandler, he was just a kid trying to make his dream a reality... one of his professors took him out and said, 'hey I don't think you are going to make it in the acting/comedy world, you should really think about doing something else. This is not going to work out for you'."
"He saw that professor at a bar many, many years later, after his fame and success, Sandler brought him over to all of his buddies and introduced him as, 'the only professor to ever buy me a beer'."
"YTA for choosing to be petty and childish years later over something that happened in college." ~ Fantastic_List3029
"NTA, people are acting as if you looked for him to be petty. You saw him coincidentally and remembered he talked sh*t, and you just reminded him of what he said."
"If he doesn't like what he said, he should have never said it, and if he grew and learned what he did wasn't OK, he should have said sorry." ~ Zestyclose-Chip8526
"ESH. This is so unbelievably immature. But I guess he gets to know he really got to you enough that he's been living rent-free inside your head for years." ~ Real_Nectarine34
"The fact that you remember him saying this, but not what turned the conversation sour, is suspicious. The fact that you'd be this petty years later makes me wonder if you said something sh*tty back then to cause the conflict."
"It doesn't even make sense that he and all his friends were trashing you just spontaneously if you were getting along right until that moment. People always seem to 'not remember' the crappy things they themselves did. YTA." ~ ivecompletelylostit
"NTA. Petty doesn't equal a**hole. I don't know if it always works, but he got his own boomerang back. You just reminded him of it. Perhaps he forgot about it, and perhaps reflecting on it will help." ~ Selfimprovinghuman
"ESH, him for his behavior then, and you (a bit) for your behavior now."
"If you had held a grudge for that long, you could have just moved along without starting something now - or you could have said something like 'The way you treated me back then made me feel bad, but I'm happy to say that your predictions of how things would turn out for me were wrong'."
"That might have got you an apology, an explanation, or maybe even some closure. Instead, now you're still thinking about a year-old insult and feeling like you might have been wrong in retaliating."
"It's a bit pointed to me that you 'don't remember how a conversation turned hostile' back then—is it possible that you said something then that hurt him, even if that wasn't your intent? That doesn't excuse his behavior even if true, and his was likely worse than yours for involving his friends in a coordinated smear campaign."
"As impolite behavior goes, you have some justification for yours, but just remember that's how cycles perpetuate. Sometimes letting those old things be water under the bridge and continuing on your journey is a lot more freeing than starting up another cycle."
"Congratulations on doing well, and living a life you are proud of and enjoy." ~ ShannaraRose
After getting feedback, OP added:
"For the people saying I've been holding onto this for years, I really haven't. It bothered me for a few months back then, but after that we never spoke again."
"I muted the group chat they made about me and moved on."
"He never apologized either. Whenever we happened to see each other after that, he'd just ignore me."
"The only reason I even remembered what he said was when I saw him earlier and he told me about his job. That's when the exact line came back to me: 'You'll probably end up as a computer shop attendant anyway'."
"For context, life wasn't exactly easy for me. My mom died before I even started college and my father has basically been absent from our lives."
"I'm the breadwinner for my family, and I have two younger sisters who depend on me. So when I say what they did back then hurt, especially what he said, it really did."
"Back then, he made a whole group chat just to talk trash about me with his friends. They laughed at me and treated me like I was already a failure. I never fought back. I just focused on working hard and proving to myself that I could build a better life."
"So when I saw him again years later and realized the future he mocked me for never actually happened, I guess part of me wanted him to hear those words again."
"Maybe that makes me a little petty. But after everything that happened back then, I won't pretend it didn't feel a bit satisfying."
OP seems to be in a bit of denial, but he can always pick which judgment he wants and forget the rest.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.