Content Warning: Racism, Xenophobia
It’s 2024, and people should be able to love and marry whoever they wish.
But there are still people out there who believe there’s only one type of “right” person to date their children, side-eyed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Littlef**kin didn’t know her mother-in-law or the rest of her in-laws very well but assumed that they had a good relationship. That was at least until a recent family gathering.
When she brought a popular Chinese dish to the event, she was shocked when her mother-in-law told her that her food “was not welcome” and forced the Original Poster (OP) to throw it away.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for bringing a dish from my culture to my family-in-law’s reunion?”
The OP was shocked by how she was received by her in-laws during a family gathering.
“I am (28 Female) and Chinese American.”
“My husband and my in-laws are all white.”
“On Saturday, they had a family reunion, and because my husband wanted me to go so badly, I made a traditional Chinese dish called Xiaolongbao [similar to soup dumplings prepared in a bamboo steaming basket].”
“My MIL gave me a bad look when I placed the plate down on the table.”
“She came over to me and asked, ‘What have you got there?'”
“I told her what the dish was, and she told me that ‘Eastern food’ doesn’t belong in her home.”
“I was forced to throw it out and my heart was broken.”
“I walked out and sat in the car for an hour, waiting for my husband to come out.”
The OP’s husband also did not stand up for her when it happened.
“On the car ride home, it was mostly silent until he broke it with, ‘Yeah, sorry about that… My mom really doesn’t like any culture outside of my family’s.'”
“My in-laws have never been directly racist to me before. This is the second gathering with them I have been to and also the third time seeing my Mother-in-Law (MIL).”
The OP’s family and friends were divided over what she should do next.
“My family isn’t happy at this, and my sister suggested that I divorce my husband and marry within our culture.”
“My mom was never happy with me marrying him in the first place, and I didn’t have a wedding because of it.”
“My husband has a neutral opinion on the situation and acts like it isn’t much of a big deal.”
“He said that his family didn’t seem to care about our relationship, but I am starting to think he may have lied to me about that.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted by how the OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) had treated her.
“It doesn’t belong in her home? Is that really a metaphor for how she feels about her son bringing you into their lives? What a hideous, tacky b***h.”
“My daughter-in-law is Chinese and I LOVE her! She’s smart and talented and I think my son is so lucky they found each other.”
“And I’d be thrilled if she brought something from her culture to a family gathering. I’m so sorry about your experience with those awful people.”
“If you have kids, guess who will never get to see them!” – Which_Recipe4851
“I’m not a confrontational person, but I would have been sitting out in the car, wishing I’d had the guts to say, ‘Well, do I belong in your house?’ loudly and make her actually answer.” – IndigoFox426
“The absolute audacity to throw out her dish PLUS the fact that it was Xiaolongbao is appalling. A disaster. A crime against food!”
“But this is terrible no matter the dish, really. My wife cooked a lot of her Mexican foods when we got married for my family. Everyone tried everything, and some of them are my mom’s new favorite foods.” – theoriginalmofocus
“My sister-in-law is Chinese and the whole family likes the traditional Chinese food she makes. She’s also very smart and incredibly nice.”
“Her children (my nieces) were born and raised in the U.S. and grew up with both traditional American food and traditional Chinese food. As adults, one is a chef and one is a food blogger and it is really interesting to see the different takes on flavors they both utilize.”
“Your husband’s family are ignorant, and missing out on some tasty dishes!” – remberzz
“I went to a ‘bring a dish’ dinner and met a lovely East Indian couple and ate a delicious dish of goat. Even my hubby was surprised that I tried it but I felt it was the right thing to do.”
“Would I make that? No, but it was a dish from her culture and one her family made for pot luck dinners.”
“The MIL could have just not eaten it, but tossing it? That’s beyond disrespectful, cruel, and racist.”
“It doesn’t belong in her home? Well then, neither do you. That’s the point of her behavior.”
“Hubby needs to step up or go back to mommy. NTA, OP.” – OrdinaryMango4008
“My mother-in-law was the best MIL I could have asked for! MIL is Southern white but welcomed me with open arms. She said I was the perfect person for her son and the daughter she never had. We loved each other till she recently passed away.”
“What I don’t understand is how the husband didn’t know or explain to his wife about his ignorant parents. And why the husband didn’t defend her? They are married!”
“It’s confusing how it ended up this way when you would have thought all this would have been sorted out before getting married. Even though they’ve only met for the third time, you would know if your husband has a spine or not.”
“When my husband and I were dating early on and I asked how his parents would react to meeting me, he said it should be fine but if not, we do not have to go back. He assured me that he would always defend our relationship if needed, but never really had to by family members.”
“He will deal with any strangers if they ‘disapprove,’ which usually is just some nasty stares or being unfriendly to us which we don’t care.”
“I hope the OP has a serious conversation with her husband about their future and how his parents will be involved in it. Will he support her finally or let her be ostracized by his parents? Then she can make an informed decision before even considering divorce.” – Rainbow_in_the_sky
Others agreed with the OP’s sister and encouraged her to consider divorce.
“The in-laws and the husband didn’t care that she was out alone in the car for an hour. He clearly picked a side. There is no way I would ever leave my significant other to just sit in the car like that if they left the house upset. Like, what in the actual f**k?!” – DinosawrsGOrawr
“The husband did OP a favor. He has shown her that he considers her an ‘other.’ He made her sit out there until he was d**n ready to be done. And that only showed his family she would eat their s**t next time, too.”
“She best consider that. I’m not going to say she needs to marry within her culture, but I will say that this man needs to prove he understands what it means to love someone who can be a target of racial or cultural discrimination, whether that be on the street or with his own family.”
“That means not asking us what we think, but actually speaking her truth while she stares him right in the face. If he can’t love her enough to admit he made the wrong choice, then he’s proved his own biases to her.”
“The next steps should be very clear.” – Eris_Ellis
“If he can’t stand up for you now, OP, in front of his family, then he’s never going to. He has ZERO backbone!” – National_Light_3257
“OP, if you’re husband can’t stand up for you or distance himself from his family, it’s going to a long, painful marriage. You have to be able to integrate into each other’s cultures. If I wasn’t super fond of Japanese culture and my husband not super fond of American culture, I don’t think we would work.” – yankiigurl
“This is the real issue: your husband doesn’t value you enough to stand up for you. I mean, he let you sit in the car for an hour??? No fricking way.”
“Either you set your husband straight that:”
“1. You are number one.”
“2. Until his mother apologizes profusely, there is no relationship with his family.”
“3. If the mother-in-law does apologize and does it again and your husband doesn’t stand up for you, then your marriage is over and he is more than welcome to sleep with mommy.”
“…or there is no marriage.
“He better grow a backbone NOW. Sorry you were treated this way. This is some backwards family.” – Intelligent_Tell_841
“It sucks you have an AH MIL, but they are not uncommon. What is uncommon, at least it should be, is a man who doesn’t stand up for his wife.”
“Nowadays, if a woman is willing to risk sexual relations with a man and having his baby, that man had better have her back, to at least decrease the odds she doesn’t wind up in a medical emergency alone.”
“Next time, go out to the car, turn on the ignition, drive home, and pack up his s**t.” – GertyFarish11
The subReddit was disturbed by how the OP was treated, not just by her family-in-law but by her unsupportive husband, as well. It was clear to them that if the husband couldn’t stand up for his wife, and especially not leave her alone in the car for an hour, then he wouldn’t be a husband for much longer.