It’s a terrifying feeling to learn that a friend or family member finds themself in a medical emergency.
What we don’t want to admit, but is true nonetheless, is that medical emergencies are never convenient.
Of course, we don’t think of this when it’s happening, as all of our thoughts are focused on this indisposed friend.
Even so, we sometimes can’t help but feel sad or annoyed as to how this affects our plans, and still have to wonder what to do next.
The mother of Redditor NoSelection4028’s boyfriend recently found herself beset with all sorts of medical issues.
As a result, she demanded a fairly inordinate amount of help from the original poster (OP) and her boyfriend.
Complicating matters, all of this fell just as the OP was planning a trip to Europe.
After being called “selfish” by her boyfriend when she shared her intent to follow through with the trip, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for refusing to help my boyfriend’s dying mother while planning a trip to Europe?”
The OP explained why she still planned on proceeding with her trip to Europe despite the illness of her boyfriend’s mother:
“I (25 F[emale]) live with my boyfriend Liam (24 M[ale]).”
“About a month ago, his mom Tanya began claiming she’s dying of cancer, but no diagnosis has been confirmed.”
“Every hospital visit ends with her being sent home.”
“A nurse even told Liam she might be faking.”
“It started when she stayed ‘one night’ at our one-bedroom apartment.”
“That turned into a week of chaos.”
“She refused AC and fans (said they hurt her skin) but blow-dried her hair daily.”
“The apartment smelled awful, everything had to be dark and silent, and she constantly demanded help.”
“She even stormed into our bedroom at 3am asking Liam for massages (we sleep naked so that was awkward).”
“She criticized our Buddhist souvenirs, insisted we hang a cross (I did), and complained non-stop.”
“She suggested we move in with her, an hour from our jobs/school.”
“I’m a full-time student with two jobs and a 4.0 GPA, and I was falling behind.”
“Liam, who works full-time, switched to remote work (his boss hated this) to care for Tanya.”
“Her health ‘updates’ were always shifting: MRI, canceled surgery, then chemo postponed due to infection, then E. coli.”
“Always a new reason.”
“No clear diagnosis or paperwork.”
“When her husband David (who funds her lifestyle) was away, she made us go to her house to get her jewelry because she thinks he’ll steal it when she dies (he’s an alcoholic according to her).”
“We were supposed to take her to the ER right after, but we ended up staying 16 hours doing chores.”
“I folded 420 clothing items, cleaned the whole house, and felt like her unpaid maid.”
“Not a single please or thank you.”
“She was stalling to go to the ER, and when we finally got there at 5 am, she said she’d check herself in, and sent us home.”
“Three hours later, she called again, sobbing for help.”
“She had been rejected by the ER.”
“I suspect she faked it.”
“Liam and I have both been skipping meals, losing sleep, and falling behind at work to help her.”
“He once said he’s waiting for her to pass away so we can move to Europe.”
“He’s been forced to manage her divorce, lawyer meetings, and funeral prep.”
“Meanwhile, David, who’s paying the hospital bills and had been kept in the dark about all this, sent Liam aggressive texts like ‘I call bullsh*t’ and ‘Don’t show up at my house no more’, then later apologized.”
“Tanya called again begging for help.”
“But this time, she wanted me, because David is jealous of Liam.”
“I had clearly told Liam I needed that weekend to study for final exams.”
“And going to that house alone seemed sketchy.”
“Now, I’m planning a 2–3 week Europe trip to see my mom, whom I haven’t seen in over a year.”
“Liam says he supports it but called it ‘a little selfish’. He’s asked, ‘If I were dying, would you quit your job to be with me?’ and ‘If it were your mom, would you help her?'”
“I felt pressured to say yes.”
“But truth is, my family wouldn’t lie to me or use me like this.”
“I love Liam and want to be there for him.”
“But I don’t trust his mom, and this is starting to affect our relationship.”
“AITA for refusing to help Tanya and going home to Europe?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for going forward with her trip.
Everyone agreed that it seemed fairly clear that the OP should 100% prioritize visiting her family, as Tanya was clearly faking her illnesses, with some even wondering if it was safe for the OP to stay in this relationship:
“Since I’m pretty sure she is not sick (at least not physically) you are definitely NTA.”
“It’s time for your BF to get real and tell his mom to set up a family meeting with her oncologist to discuss her treatment and next steps or he’s done.”
“This the normal progression when treating this disease.”
“In and out of ERs is not.”- Weary_Minute1583
“NTA.”
“I know you love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you’re willing to give up your own life for him and his mom, because it’s never going to stop.”
“It could stop if he chooses to set boundaries but it doesn’t sound like he’ll do that.”- misseff
“NTA.”
“I think you need to have a serious sit down with Liam and suggest his mom get therapy.”
“No one has THAT MANY issues and gets rejected from an ER or has important procedures cancelled and not rescheduled for as soon as possible.”
“She using this as manipulation.”
“Your lives will be permanently on hold until this is dealt with or contact is cut.”- AnniAnnihilation
“NTA.”
“You should go visit your mom.”
“You can say she needs your help just as much as his mother needs him, if you want to.”
“If she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything serious, she is unlikely to die in the two weeks that you’re gone.”
“Obviously things happen to people and there is always a chance that any one of us might die.”-North_Artichoke_6721
“NTA.”
“Break up with them.”
“You’re in a throuple and no one bothered to tell you.”- Independent-Wheel354
“NTA.”
“Tell your bf that of course you would care and be there for the people you love.”
“But only if you knew that the person would also care about you.”
“His mom clearly does not give a second thought about the damage she causes and the sacrifices she demands.”
“You have given all you got to give and now it’s your turn to take care of yourself and your family.”- HidingRaccoon
“NTA.”
“Why is his family more important than yours?”
“I would tell him that he should move her to assisted living or an apartment and hire help.”
“Let him know that while you love him, you are not lighting your future on fire to help someone who won’t help themselves.”- javel1
“NTA.”
“Does Liam see that she’s faking it or does he genuinely believe her?”
“Not that it really makes a difference.”
“You can not let this effect your life to the point of no return. absolutely keep doing things for yourself and he should too.”- Odd_Refrigerator18
“NTA!”
“What do you mean she needed you?”
“This is ridiculous.”
“All of this is ridiculous.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you ended things with husband because what do you mean he has to handle her divorce?”
“Absolutely ridiculous.”
“Your mil needs to tend to her own personal needs.”
“Jesus.”- Historical-Ad4552
“You know she’s faking it but you’re jeopardizing your future to play into her delusions.”
“You need to stop before you screw yourself over permanently.”
“NTA.”- CeramicSavage
“NTA.”
“But YTA for jeopardizing your future.”- fourmode
“NTA.”
“It’s completely reasonable to demand medical documentation before you put your life on hold.”
“This is on your boyfriend.”
“He needs to set clear boundaries.”- charbear60
“NTA.”
“Stay in Europe would be my advice.. sounds exhausting.”- TheTiffanyProblem
“NTA.”
“‘If it was your mom would you help her?'”
“Not after she broke into my bedroom at 3am demanding a massage.”- john35093509
“NTA.”
“I’d bet you a million dollars that two days before you’re supposed to leave, she’s going to have a ‘serious issue” with tons of drama and how you can’t leave her when she needs emotional support.”
“And the day after you ‘should’ve’ left, she’ll be miraculously cured.”
“Go on your trip.”- lisalef
It is clear that Tanya needs medical help, but not from a psychiatrist, and not an oncologist.
It’s up to the OP to decide if staying with Liam is sustainable.
But if Tanya is well enough to bark orders at the OP and Liam, then she can likely find a way to deal without the OP for a while when she visits her family in Europe.