It's always exciting when parents become first-time grandparents.
Even if this change also brings a bit of surprise and disappointment.
Sometimes, because their children and in-laws plan to raise their children differently, or because they discover how involved (or uninvolved) their children expect them to be in their grandchildren's lives.
Redditor babypiggycat was expecting her first child.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP) was already feeling some pressure from her mother-in-law (MIL).
Not even about her parenting tactics, but instead about her birthing plan.
While the OP was willing to make some compromises to keep everyone happy, there was one post-birth rule that she refused to budge on.
Seeing how this upset her MIL, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my brother with Down syndrome hold my baby right after she’s born?"
The OP explained why she was not willing to consider letting her brother-in-law hold her newborn baby:
"My mother-in-law has these preconceived ideas on what she thinks my birth plan is."
"I told her we will have visitors at the hospital, but only after the baby comes and has had time with my husband and I for a few hours."
"She’s really pissed about this because she assumed she would be there all day or night waiting for the baby to come."
"We also would prefer nobody to hold her as it’s flu and cold season, but to avoid another fight, and because I understand it might be too much to ask, we’re going to let my husband's parents hold her."
"My only thing is when she told my brother-in-law with Down syndrome he would get to hold the baby, I told her privately that I’m not comfortable with that. I love my brother-in-law, but he hates babies; he’s never held one before - let alone one that’s a couple hours old, and he’s not the most hygienic person."
"AITAH for setting this boundary about my brother in law, it’s not forever, just for the first couple weeks until the baby gets stronger incase he doesn’t support her properly."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let her brother-in-law hold her newborn baby.
Everyone agreed that the OP was only thinking of the health and safety of her newborn, with some even feeling that the OP shouldn't ever let him hold the baby after he said he "hates babies":
"NTA."
"And why isn’t your husband also stepping in here?"
"He needs to be the one to deal with his mother."- No-Long5784
"OP."
"Do what we did. Go to hospital and don’t announce birth/labour to family until after you have had time with baby alone."
"NTA."- princess_riya
"NTA."
"What has he said about this (assuming he can communicate well enough to articulate his thoughts)?"
"If he hates babies, I imagine he'd want to stay far away."
"Frankly, I wouldn't let her visit in the hospital at all."- kaybet
"NTA."
"Due to the fact that he is unhygienic and uncomfortable with babies."
"But if your BIL is in the room, your MIL will likely hand your baby to him anyway."
"Better to have your husband deal with his mother and keep them both out."- OrcEight
"NTA."
"This is all theoretical right now, but soon you’re going to hold your newborn in your arms, and it will all click into place."
"Other people’s feelings don’t matter."
"You and your husband have to protect this helpless being."
"Right now you should only be concentrating on yourself and your baby."
"Your husband should be setting boundaries with his own mother."
"This is what he needs to do to support you and his child."
"You should probably let Hospital staff know that you don’t want her in the room, if you think there’s a chance she will show up."
"Finally, if you haven’t seen it, head on over to the justnomil sub."
"It will give you a glimpse into your future if you don’t nip this in the bud."- unimpressedwarrior
"NTA this is your child, not hers."
"They'll get over it eventually, but I would absolutely hurt some feelings if necessary to keep my baby safe."- WhiteRabbit_412_
"You could tell her nobody in the family, but you and the father are allowed to hold the baby till the baby is 3 months old, and that’s still in your right lmao your MIL needs to touch grass."
"NTA."- peanutbutterscousin
"NTA."
"People who have expectations over children and babies of others are the ones."- Strong_Guidance_6437
"Certainly NTA for the reasons you are sharing for your concerns."
"I'd say speak to the nurses and get them to help advocate for you that this is a highly dangerous time for the baby's delicate immune system."
"Will all of the in-laws have their flu vaccinations?"
"Will BIL have clean hands and will he be wearing a freshly washed shirt?"
"These are not just rules and recommendations from a concerned mother but also from a highly educated professional medical perspective."
"Best of luck to your family!"- DaydreamTacos
"Your brother-in-law doesn’t like babies?"
"Then who TF would disrespect his preference and force him to hold one."
"The DS is completely irrelevant here."
"NTA."- RafRafRafRaf
"NTA."
"It's your baby, you and your husband decide who does what with her."- Useless_Raider
"NTA."
"She's feeling excluded or out of the spotlight and is trying to get back in."
"That's none of your problem, and she's trying to win very stupid battles to calm herself down."- Spekuloos_Lover
"NTA."
"But I would insist anyone planning to be in contact with the baby have updated flu, COVID, and whooping cough vaccines."
"Maybe even MMR since measles is going around too."- River_Song47
"NTA."
"I'll be honest if she's throwing a fit now... tell her she doesn't have to come at all."
"Having my first kid during Covid.. and it was only husband and me.. DAM it was nice..."
"So my 2nd kid, we said no one can come to the hospital."
"Which FIL had to come and bring us clothes for the baby... he was smaller than what we brought, and it decided to snow... lol."
"It's a nice way your husband can cherish it all... and be exhausted together."
"And of course, get the lovely talk about how you don't give your baby soda..."
"My in-laws cleaned our house and met us when we got home."
"Which was nice then we could hand off baby and i got a shower and a clean house."
"You're going to be exhausted and you're not going to really want to talk to anyone... and of course worries of people holding baby, etc."
"Don't need the extra drama up in there."
"Also, your husband needs to step up and be like NO."- Bratchan
"NTA."
"None of your conditions are unreasonable, and quite frankly are logical."
"My MIL wanted to come in right after our second was born since we’d let her do that with our first."
"Mistake on my part."
"We made her wait till the following day with the second, and she was not happy about that."
"But that was my boundary, and that baby came out of me!"- kjbtetrick
"You're the parent and with a newborn, the primary caregiver, it's your decision."
"I used to live near a special school."
"While I've known some high-functioning Down syndrome kids and adults, I wouldn't trust one with a baby, especially one who doesn't even like babies."
"Your MIL can be performative some other time."
"NTA."- NotYourMommyDear
"Honestly, opt for not telling anyone when you give birth until you get home."
"It is not a spectator sport. It's the illness season."
"You and bub stay away from everyone until your baby is at least a week old."
"With technology, everyone can see the baby remotely these days without going on and on."
"After the first week and you and your husband feel human again, crack on, of course."
"NTA."- Shot-Zombie-36
"NTA."
"I’d have your husband tell his parents he doesn’t want his brother to come to the hospital period, or at least wait in the lobby or something."
"If he’s unhygienic/doesn’t like babies, he shouldn’t really be in the room."- totallynotbri
The first, if not only, concern of any parent is their children's health and safety.
It would be one thing if the OP was preventing her BIL from holding her child purely out of malice.
This is not the case, however, as newborn babies are extremely vulnerable.
If the OP's BIL can clearly demonstrate he can hold the OP's child with care once the child is bigger and stronger, it seems the OP will be willing to allow him this privilege.
