With housing scarce in many areas, people are forced to share space in less than ideal conditions.
One issue that arises among anyone who cohabitates is borrowing each others possessions. Preset boundaries and a clear understanding are key to avoiding conflict. But there's no guarantees that previously agreed upon rules will be followed.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a conflict with her roommate.
Any_Introduction1165 asked:
"AITA for putting a lock on my bedroom door because my roommate keeps taking my clothes while I’m sleeping?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, female) live with my roommate (24, female), and I work night shifts at a hospital. Because of my schedule, I usually sleep during the day and am awake/work overnight."
"My roommate is very into minimalism and what she calls 'underconsumption.' She doesn’t own a lot of clothes, makeup, etc... I genuinely don’t judge her for this. If anything, I think it’s great if that’s what works for her."
"The issue is that she has started using my things."
"She has asked me a few times if she can borrow some of my clothes, and I told her that I’m completely fine with her borrowing most of my clothes, as long as she asks first and returns them. Obviously, underwear and socks are off limits, but other than that, I don’t really care."
"My makeup is a different story. I’ve told her clearly that I’m not comfortable sharing makeup because of hygiene reasons, especially things like mascara, lip products, etc... That’s a hard boundary for me."
"The problem is that she doesn’t actually ask before taking my clothes. Since I sleep during the day, she has apparently figured out that she can just come into my room while I’m asleep, take something, wear it, and put it back later. I’ve woken up several times and realized that something I had left in my room was gone."
"When I’ve asked her about it, she’ll say something like, 'I was just borrowing it,' as if that makes it okay. I’ve repeatedly told her that I don’t mind her borrowing my clothes, but she needs to ask me first. I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request, especially since they’re my clothes and they’re in my bedroom."
"A few days ago, I got tired of this and put a lock on my bedroom door. I started locking it when I’m sleeping and when I’m at work. My roommate is now upset and says I’m making the apartment feel hostile and that she doesn’t understand why I need to lock my door when she’s 'only borrowing things'."
"She also thinks I’m being dramatic because I’ve already told her she can borrow my clothes. I told her that I’ve given her permission to borrow them when she asks, not permission to come into my room while I’m sleeping and take whatever she wants."
"She says I’m making a big deal out of clothes and that I should be more understanding because she doesn’t have as much stuff as I do. I don’t think owning more clothes means I’m obligated to share them without being asked, but maybe the lock was excessive."
So, AITA for putting a lock on my bedroom door after my roommate repeatedly comes into my room while I’m sleeping and takes my clothes without asking?"
"By the way, I checked with the landlord. The lock is fine from his perspective!"
"I have only been putting up with this because I can’t afford an apartment on my own and haven’t been able to find something else with roommates yet. Because she has been living there a lot longer than I have, I don’t think the landlord would evict her."
"Honestly the only reason she still can 'borrow' my stuff is just because I am scared that it would result with me being kicked out."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You wrote, 'My roommate is very into minimalism and what she calls underconsumption'. Easy for her to say this and then just use your things. She's not a minimalist, she's a mooch."
"NTA. Her inability to listen is not your problem. She created an issue by stealing your things. And taking something without permission is stealing."
"I'd also tell her she can no longer borrow anything even if she directly asks." ~ Muted-Appeal-823
"She's not into under consumption. She's into taking other people's stuff." ~ andrea1797
"Yeah, why is it so hard for her to ask first? She just wants to take things without permission. Thinking it's better to steal makes OP's decision to lock her door the right thing to do."
"I always find this 'you have more while I have less so you should be more understanding and give' a prelude for the other person to become entitled of the owner's stuff. It never ends well." ~ IceSeeker
"She only has less because she decided to have less. Seriously, she can't use that argument when it was her decision to have less."
"If she's complaining she can go buy more clothes or go to a thrift store. It's not OP's problem that her roomate made a decision and is clearly unhappy in her decision and refuses to fix the problem she f*cking created." ~ kaydenwolf_lynx
"Under purchasing, but normal consumption." ~ cortesoft
"She's into material things. She's just not into paying for them herself." ~ MerryChayse
"It's perfectly reasonable for you to not lend out your things to housemates. This might upset your housemate, but there's no reason it would lead to being kicked out."
"You asked your landlord about getting a lock, which means they know about you, which means you're not illegally subletting and therefore the person who decides whether you get kicked out or not is your landlord."
"Your landlord is definitely not going to kick you out for not lending your clothes out." ~ Antlorn
"Give her a list of thrift stores nearby and tell her to buy her own clothes." ~ Nearby-Ad5666
"NTA. Your low-consumption roomie, is a parasite. She relies on your consumerism to pad her wardrobe. Then she sneaks in when you are asleep?"
"The apartment isn't hostile...just your room is off-limits to browsers when you are not there to say yay or nay. What is it with entitled people who abuse their roommates trust calling countermeasures to their sticky fingered activities 'hostile'?"
"If I were in your place, some sh*t would be happening to anyone sneaking in to nip my stuff while I'm asleep. That would be hostile.You are right to put the lock on."
"And if her entitled a** starts waking you up to ask, she deserves to be told off and have the door slammed in her face. Also, hostile, and yet valid." ~ Teahouse_Fox
"NTA. Clothes aside, she should not be coming into your room when you're asleep. That would genuinely freak me out and I'd move." ~ DontEatThePorridge
"NTA your clothes are not her property. Why do you still want to live with this person. I would leave asap." ~ foxdogturtlecat
"NTA. I would be concerned she's still using your makeup products. Make sure your stuff is secured if you share a bathroom. If your bathroom is attached to your bedroom, she may have used them while tiptoeing in like a nasty little thief while you slept. Seriously, how does she not see that's f*cking creepy." ~ godihatepeople
"I was going to comment this. OP she is definitely using your makeup if it’s out somewhere she can get to. She is not trustworthy and just assume anything not locked in your room is being 'borrowed' by her." ~ Calm-Jello4802
"How did she know you put a lock on your door if she didn’t first try entering your room to take something? Putting the lock on the door didn’t create anything, it simply provided you with a barrier against her doing whatever she wants in your space and with your possessions."
"She’s taking her anger towards you and calling it hostility from you. She’s not into under consuming, she’s into under spending her own money and letting someone else foot the bill."
"You need to clearly rescind your offer and tell her it’s because she has clearly communicated she is untrustworthy and doesn’t respect you. The lock is simply a physical barrier. NTA." ~ guavagirl3
"NTA. Your roommate is trying to gaslight you. That's what that is... Reflect it back at her. You're making a big deal about me getting a lock for my private room."
"Don't touch the door knob and you won't even realize it's locked.Nothing you're doing about that is hostile. Her ignoring boundaries is the hostile act. And she's upset because you physically made it impossible for her to ignore it."
"I'm guessing her household did not have very many boundaries or she was taught through example not to respect them.I can bet she's used your makeup without you realizing it. She probably takes food too." ~ Separate_Dream4412
"It sounds like her 'underconsumption' doesn’t work for her if she’s stealing your sh*t. Stop letting her borrow anything. She can get her own damn clothes." ~ Intelligent-Proof616
OP probably should look at a new living situation if her setting boundaries isn't going to be respected or accepted by her current roommate.
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