Borrowing things, borrowing money, it can all be a mess.
Lending anything in life can break even the closest of loved ones relationships.
Lending clothes and cash is how people end up on Judge Judy.
True story.
Case in point...
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not allowing my best friend to wear my red bottom heels to her bridal shower?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I, female have a childhood best friend of over 16 years who's getting married next month."
"We've always borrowed each others clothes and shoes just how best friends do!"
"I also want to say this first, I'm not materialistic at all."
"I received the shoes from my mom as a gift, and I've only worn them two times."
"They are my special occasion heels and they mean a lot to me because I know my mom worked really hard to be able to gift me them!"
"Yesterday my best friend came over and she wanted to borrow black heels and I was like yeah!"
"Go through the closet and she pulled the box out tried them on and was like "OMGG!"
"'These are the ones they'll go perfect with my dress.'"
"I then said I'd love to let you borrow anything but those, and she said seriously?"
"It's my bridal shower."
"I said I know I'm just not comfortable with you wearing them."
"She took them off and said don't worry about the shoes I'll find my own, she left a few minutes after and texted me saying that wasn't cool and that she would do it for me."
"I just wrote back and said 'I know, but I'd also respect your things.'"
"It's been a day and I haven't heard from her."
"AMITA for not feeling bad?
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Tell your friend to buy her own things if she's going to be that sassy about it."
"No one is entitled to your stuff." ~ fullstar2020
"Also time to set strict boundaries."
"Absence of clear boundaries is a big reason for conflicts in any relationship."
"Friend is acting entitled and ready to ruin a long friendship just for her shower. NTA." ~ needfulsalsa
"And the red bottom shoes (us women know who they are by) are very expensive."
"I don't blame OP because it would not have been cool if she broke a heel or spilled on them."
"They were a special gift."
"Sorry the friend couldn't show them off and pretend they were hers."
"But they are not." ~ RavenLunatyk
"You would also think her best friend would understand why she didn't want her to borrow them."
"It's very childish, but typical of brides thinking the world revolves around them because they are getting married. NTA OP." ~ Countrach
"Agreed. OP might have headed it off by saying anything except the red bottom Heels."
"Friend could still get pissy but maybe not."
"I think the friend absolutely wanted those specific heels in the first place. NTA." ~ annoyingusername99
"NTA. Best friends don't borrow each other's underwear and don't borrow red bottomed shoes." ~ Impossible
"Frankly I wouldn't lend shoes to anyone - red bottom or plain brown because shoes."
"Both the leather uppers and the soles and insoles conform to the user's feet so if you lend out your shoes they are inevitably going to not fit as well when you get them back."
"Not to mention that the interior of shoes can become unpleasant potentially with fungus and other stuff that is carried on feet."
"Not to mention perspiration since most women don't wear stockings with shoes so they are putting their bare sweaty feet into the shoes."
"ETA. I have watched a few true crime episodes in which there are forensic experts on shoe wear and have been able to match shoes based on the wear pattern of both the soles and insoles."
"This isn't just the way soles look when they are 'new' but every person has a distinctive wear pattern in terms of how they walk; the arch of their feet; toes etc."
"It is why buying used shoes isn't a good thing unlike used vintage clothing which is great."
"You really wouldn't want to use hand-me-down shoes for your kids versus clothing which is a wise thing." ~ Jujulabee
"I'm sure OP told her about those shoes."
"You know she came over to borrow THOSE shoes."
"OP is NTA and I can't even imagine trying to borrow those."
"People walk differently and their feet can swell."
"Yeah I learned in middles school that was a bad idea when a friend ruined a pair of dress shoes." ~ 84unicorn
"I agree that OP is NTA purely on principle."
"Then I looked up what red bottoms are, and holy sh*t, bride is entitled." ~ johnny_evil
"NTA. These are the thousand dollar a pair shoes, correct?"
"Nobody should be expecting to borrow those."
"And honestly, a bridal shower?"
"That's not exactly a meeting with the Pope." ~ spiffsome
"The real financial flex with shoes like this is can you afford the cab and concierge lifestyle that makes them genuinely 'wearable.'"
"I used to be a stylist and people with way too much money used to find it quite shrug that their Manolos and Louboutins would break on unexpected floor surfaces, grass or if they got drunk and forgot to treat them like precious china."
"Then they'd buy another pair."
"A couple of them broke themselves in them ending up with broken feet or toes or ankles and still bought them."
"Meanwhile it was the only time I felt Carrie Bradshaw had a valid point."
"Treat the shoes with respect, they are often one off seasons and irreplaceable, animals died for the leather and the craftmanship is valuable too and stop being so wasteful acting like they are pedicure flip flops."
"I had one pair and looking back I am not sure why suffering to wear them was so important to me but god I loved them."
"And I stand by setting up a registry for new ones if anyone steals them or damages them."
"Especially if you have already paid for gifts for their life choices like a wedding."
"And considering Carrie was the selfishness equivalent of a glitter bomb, if she is on the right side, someone is being a**hole of the year."
"NTA. Also please god people do not share leather shoes you wear without socks/hose/foot condoms like the shoe shop gives you."
"It's incredibly unhygienic."
"And terrible for the leather."
"We used all kinds of foot covers depending if it was a photo shoot or personal shopping."
"Including little strips not unlike the ones on the gusset of underwear."
"And we covered the soles to protect the red from scuffing."
"I once did 50 pairs before a shoot and swore off him for Jimmy Choo for life in petty revenge." ~ IFeelMoiGerbil
"Oh!! I just caught on they are Christian Louboutin shoes."
"I am trying to figure out what's special about these shoes."
"NTA. Even if they weren't Louboutin shoes."
"But now I understand why the friend was gunning for them."
"Oh yeah — she knew she wanted to wear those. Then she had the nerve to be 'upset.'" ~ REDDIT
"NTA... they sell that color red paint at Michael's."
"She can make an almost identical pair for herself." ~ throwaway_pom
"NTA. She asked, you said no."
"End of discussion."
"And yes, I totally understand your attachment, and think you were perfectly reasonable in not wanting her to borrow them."
"I think it was pretty entitled of her to even ask in the first place."
"Not just a regular pair of shoes." ~ MommaPantsOnFire
"NTA. Totally irrelevant but I recall reading that Martha Stewart colors the bottom of her red sole shoes with a Sharpie." ~penguin_squeak
"NTA. She's the a**hole for not knowing how to get a no as an answer." ~ danniluna
"NTA. It looks like she is taking advantage of her best friend title here."
"Your response to her was perfect."
"When people say apply boundaries, they are saying just that."
"And if they don't respect it, then you change the PEOPLE in your life, NOT the boundaries." ~ 4ncutie
"NTA. Unless you have a closet full of $1k shoes, it's inappropriate for her to even ask to borrow those."
"They aren't just any shoes." ~ ASlightHiccup
"Even if she did have a closet full of 1k dollar shoes, she said no."
"She offered to let her borrow any other pair of shoes."
"Just not the pair that her mom bought her."
"It would be purely sentimental value, at that point, but the fact is, that she didn't have to let her friend borrow ANYTHING."
"Not clothes. Not shoes. Nothing."
"She was being nice, and her friend thought she was entitled to her things."
"That's not cool, no matter the value of anything else in her closet." ~ Bat_Woman_
"She wanted you to loan her, your Louboutins?"
"Not in this lifetime, sweetheart. Not for anything."
"They were gifted to you by your mom."
"You don't have to let anybody wear them."
"I don't even know if I would dare wear them if I had any... NTA."
"A cheap pair is almost $800. Again."
"NTA Red paint is much cheaper."
"Tell her to go to Michael's." ~ REDDIT
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
Your property, your rules.
Hopefully your friend will understand after she takes a little time to cool off.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp