Having access to food and money should be a bare minimum requirement in a marriage, but that's not always the case.
A wife feeling isolated turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Substantial_Home_713 asked:
"AITAH for not making dinner at 9:30 PM?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband picked up extra work and was expected home at 8:00 PM."
"I call him at 08:30 asking where he is because he was supposed to be bringing home a few ingredients so I could make us dinner. I made the kids dinner, fed and put them to bed after being home with them for 12+ hours by myself."
"He answers and starts a FaceTime and he’s still at work, laughing with his coworkers, eating a donut."
"I asked him why he’s still there if he’s not actually working because I’m tired, I’m hungry and I’m waiting on him so I can make dinner."
"He says he will be home after a bit."
"He gets home at 09:30 and didn’t bring the ingredients I needed to make dinner and is mad I’m no longer cooking. I showered and now I’m in bed; dinner-less because we don’t have groceries."
"AITAH for not making dinner when he was just lollygagging after work and couldn’t be bothered to stop at the store?"
"I didn’t plan this dinner at 08:00 pm. I planned it around 3:00 PM when he typically gets off work and asked him to go to the store. He agreed and then came back later and said he was working late."
"We live in Mexico after his deportation. We filed for him to receive a marriage-based permanent residence (Green Card) and that’s a years long process. He also had DACA. I’m not sure if you’re keeping up with what that administration is doing, but they are taking people who have the right to be there and are working and paying taxes."
"I’m not yet fluent in Spanish to navigate the grocery store by myself. First and foremost, things are not labeled. Secondly, meat and chicken is very different here and you can’t tell what’s what if you’re not from here or used to the options they have."
"I’m an adult capable of taking care of children. I’m sure if it was that simple to grocery shop, I wouldn’t be posting about how I can’t quite navigate the markets yet by myself."
"I had enough to feed my children and he was supposed to stop by the store on his way home. I didn’t plan to cook dinner that late, I planned the the meal at 3:00 pm and asked him to bring the ingredients on his way home. He agreed. I didn’t have enough groceries to feed my children and myself."
"If I did go to the store myself, he’s in control of the money. I didn’t have the pesos to go, either way."
"We don’t have 'take out' I am in rural Jalisco, in a small town of less than 20,000."
"I am learning the local dialect of Spanish, it’s just not happening overnight! I’ve been here less than 4 months and knew nothing before coming."
"I do use Google translate sometimes, but people here still don’t understand what I’m saying because it gives Spain Spanish, not rural Mexico Spanish."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong, but was in a precarious situation (NTA).
"Living in a country where you don’t feel able to access shops and service, and have no access to money sound precarious. I would think about changing that." ~ Fridadog1
"It sounds abusive, honestly. Financial abuse plus not keeping any food in the house so OP is going hungry also sounds like physical abuse." ~ bananapineapplesauce
"Notice how when they FaceTime’d, he was eating? Guarantee he got himself dinner before getting home." ~ godlingcaptain
"He was eating in front of her, knowing she had no food. This is not a good partner." ~ allyearswift.
"If he was deported are you and your children still allowed back in the country he was deported from? Because if he's in charge of the money and you're struggling with the language and he's coming home late with no groceries it might be time to head home. NTA." ~ BeACodeMistake
"Yeah, NTA about the dinner, but the dinner is the least of what's in this post. you're in a country where you can't navigate a supermarket alone, with no access to money, waiting on a man to decide when you eat, that's not a chore dispute." ~ DeskInRain
"Not to mention children who cant care for themselves. Go home, sis. Call mom or dad or whoever loves you and those children and have them come get you!" ~ 2MuchRealityTV
"Seriously. The dinner is one thing, but having no access to money or basic independence while caring for the kids is a much bigger concern." ~ viusa107
"Exactly. She literally followed him into this situation just to keep their family together and he can’t be bothered to come home when he says he will, with groceries he said he would bring?"
"On what planet would her not making dinner be her fault? You can’t make dinner with hopes and dreams." ~ Lazy-Instruction-600
"Right OP, I know it'd easy to focus on the little incidents than taking on the bigger issues that seem overwhelming, but you need to prioritize your safety. This includes financial safety. Why the f*ck do you accept not having access to money?"
"If he's too controlling and refuses your acces to the MUTUAL accounts you have the right to as the wife, then start planning your return to your country and your divorce. You're arranging the deckchairs while the Titanic is sinking." ~ NegativeJuggernaut62
"Seriously! Go to your embassy, get assistance to get back where you know the language. Take the kids, because they likely do not speak the language there either, right?" ~ No_Professional8624
"NTA. I wouldn't have waited on him and would've eaten with the kids. He's a grown man. He can feed himself." ~ Chay_Charles
"Honestly if he's getting home at 9:30 PM, he should probably have fed himself earlier. It doesn't make sense to me that he knew he was working late, but didn't eat dinner on his own?" ~ Collette_Schumer
"He also wanted to be fed when he got home, but didn't buy anything to cook with. How is dinner going to miraculously appear?" ~ CheersDog31
"He ate donuts at work at dinnertime, he's fine." ~ mwenechanga
"I’m just sad that there are people, especially with kids, that don’t have food in their freezer or pantry that they can cook. If I couldn’t get groceries, it would be about a month before we ran out of food." ~ ForeverFieldsFD
"NTA. Get out. Do you know the truth when you saw him eating a doughnut laughing while you were putting your children to bed and asking about your own dinner. You’re worth more than that." ~ hippywitch
"Girl you already knew the answer before you even started typing this post." ~ labospor
"This is more than just about food. You are literally a prisoner in your home because if there was any emergency you are deliberately under equipped to handle it."
"Your husband is not a good person. You need to call your family and embassy/consulate for help. You are being abused." ~ Plane_Practice8184
"Deported from the US, disrespects his wife, doesn't care if she goes hungry, doesn't care that the kids will go hungry in the morning because there's no food left in the house. I'd say it's time for some serious consideration on getting the hell out of there." ~ Germanium235
"So you're in a country where you don't speak the language and you don't get to have any money? And he regularly leaves you without food? This doesn't sound ideal." ~ Oi_Nander
"You have much bigger problems than dinner. Come back to whichever country you are from. Is it America? Come back to America. This guy is no good. (NTA)." ~ GCU_ZeroCredibility
"I'm more concerned that you are financially reliant on a man in a foreign country. That doesn't seem like a good plan." ~ Gertrudethecurious
"Oh honey, can you take the kids and go back home? He is financially abusive, he isolates you. He starves you. NTA." ~ yhaensch
"NTA. You’re in a place where you can’t communicate effectively and have no access to money? You sound captive. Your husband sounds like an inconsiderate jerk. I hope this isn’t normal behaviour because if it is, you’re being abused." ~ sun4moon
"NTA. And I would heavily suggest to change that 'he is in control of the money' and learn Spanish. Because currently he controls your whole life. You are in a foreign country, no money, and don't know the language while he is fine and has fun. Toxic and dangerous." ~ Freestila
"This sounds like a bad situation. You’re in a country where you don’t speak the language fluently with a controlling man and no access to money, plus children are involved."
"It’s time to start a plan. Set aside some time every day to work on your fluency and find a job so you can earn your own money that you can keep separate from him. I hope things get better for you soon." ~ Hey-Just-Saying
"The groceries are the least of this lady’s problems. She needs to go to the embassy of whatever country she is from and get herself and her kids out of there. Hopefully he doesn’t have her passport or identity papers." ~ Substantial_Dance486
OP is pretty reliant on her husband right now. He needs to recognize that and behave accordingly or OP needs to return home with her children until her language skills improve and her husband can provide a more equitable home.
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