Especially in recent months, groceries have been particularly expensive, and more and more people have had to cut back on their grocery lists and meal plans to make ends meet.
For households dealing with that, food banks can be a serious help, agreed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AITAThrowaway012020 found themselves in a tough situation when they were committed to their husband, but not to his habits of collecting food from food banks.
When he insisted they were entitled to that food, despite their high income, the Original Poster (OP) began to question who they were married to.
They asked the sub:
“AITA for leaving my husband at home, while I spend the week at my brothers, because of how he ‘buys’ groceries?”
The OP and their husband were financially comfortable.
“I’ve been in a committed relationship with my husband for 17 years, and overall, with a few rough patches, things have been great.”
“What’s important to note is that while he earns more than me and is considered the main provider, I have a substantial trust fund that ensures we’re financially stable. I work part-time as a teacher while attending university, earning less than him, and most of my income goes toward tuition.”
“Our household income exceeds $200k annually, while the average in our area is below $50k.”
The couple had extremely different views about how to use their funds.
“One ongoing issue we have is my husband’s frugality. He likes to control my spending and have the final say on how he uses his earnings.”
“It’s worth mentioning that I’ve never used any of his income and have no intention to do so.”
They were also morally in disagreement about their money.
“However, the main point of contention between us is his frequent visits to food banks. Despite having more than enough food at home, he insists on going to food banks to save money.”
“He intentionally looks disheveled and uses our beat-up car to blend in, even though he’s never experienced food scarcity.”
“I’ve explained to him the need for food donations in our community, even showing him social media posts from local food banks, but he remains indifferent.”
“I suggested he volunteer or donate to gain firsthand experience, but he refuses.”
“The unfortunate part is that since we’re never short on food, most of what he brings home ends up getting thrown away.”
The OP did what they could to make up for their husband’s behavior.
“I do take the food back as often as I can and donate our extra as much as possible. Food gets thrown out by him when he comes home and needs to make space for the ‘fresh food.'”
“I also make cash donations to our two closest food banks, but I know this doesn’t make up for everything.”
“I make monthly cash donations to two food banks I live near, and I secretly take our extra canned and preserved goods in for donation. Food gets thrown out when he brings more home and there isn’t room in the pantry/refrigerator.”
“I keep trying to talk to him about the impact this has on our community, but he refuses to accept this as true.”
With the latest fridge restock, the OP had had enough.
“Today, I discovered our fridge was filled with fresh produce and meat that clearly didn’t come from our regular grocery store.”
“When I confronted him, he admitted to going to a food bank after seeing a Facebook post about a donation of fresh food.”
“People on social media were already asking if any was left, and there wasn’t.”
“I showed him these comments, but he brushed them off, claiming people should have gone earlier.”
“Exhausted by the situation, I packed a bag and went to stay with my brother for the weekend, asking for space to think things over.”
“My husband accused me of overreacting and being vindictive, and he threatened to go back to the food banks regardless of my feelings.”
“His family is also messaging me, calling me an a**hole, and urging me to stop interfering with his choices.”
“I turned off my phone, but now they’re bombarding my brother with messages. Thankfully, he supports my decision and ignores them.”
The OP was conflicted.
“All I want is to enjoy the rest of my week without being angry at my husband. Yes, I could let this go and not scold him, but the food he takes could have gone to people who truly need it.”
“I’m not leaving my husband, but I need a few days away to gain some clarity. Am I wrong for wanting this space?”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some supported the OP and questioned their husband as a partner.
“NTA.”
“There’s nothing to discuss. Your husband made it quite clear that your opinion doesn’t matter and he’ll continue doing what he’s doing without your support.”
“Personally, I would have a difficult time having respect for someone who is so heartless.”
“It’s one thing to take advantage of a good deal from a large corporation when it’s even playing field for everyone. But taking the opportunity from the less fortunate and literally letting the food go to waste just because he can’t control himself? D**n. That’s just being cruel.”
“It reminds me of the TLC extreme couponers show where some people buy an excessive amount of products just for the sake of the thrill… but have absolutely no use for it and just throw it to the side to collect dust and rot.”
“If you choose to stay with your husband, then the least you should do is donate money to your local food bank every time he decides to go there and get food. If not, I would suggest taking the food back to the food bank to ‘donate’ it back to them. Or at least advertise it on some sort of social media platform and drop it off to a family in need.” – bearbear407
“NTA. This is completely unhinged. A man making 200k while married to a woman with a trust fund going to a food bank is unacceptable.”
“I couldn’t live like that, and I also couldn’t live with someone controlling how the money was spent. You are absolutely not wrong to want space. I would want permanent space.” – Few-School-3869
“I would want permanent space too. If he is making 200K and doesn’t see there are other people who are going through hard times out there and deserve food more (Isn’t food bank in crisis as well because the number of people who require the service increased dramatically), I wouldn’t want a partner like that to be associated with.”
“I was brought up with the concept of not wasting food so I cannot fathom people who waste foodbank food especially when they don’t need it.”
“OP, you are NTA, but if you don’t want to leave him and feel very ashamed of what he is doing, it’s time to reconsider having a joint account and use HIS money to repay the foodbank that he stole from to balance it out and talk to the foodbank what their policy is and if they can stop him.”
“I am sure it is taking a big emotional toll on you but unless you do something about it, the feeling of being shameful or guilty won’t go away and might affect your mental health down the road if you are a compassionate and empathetic person.” – fattyonfirereborn
“I’d repack any box he brought home, take it back to where he got it, show them his picture as he truly is while explaining the truth about what he’s doing, and suggest they ban him until he can provide verifiable proof that he’s in need. (In the future he might actually be in need.)”
“After the first time he pulled this every food bank would have been alerted because I don’t put up with this bulls**t. I’ve been almost homeless and had to use the food bank to survive. People like OP’s husband really hurt those who actually need it & he should be ashamed.”
“OP’s NTA, but there’s a big problem here that needs to be dealt with as soon as possible, even if it takes naming and shaming him to get him to stop stealing from the needy. Therapy is also a good idea to work on the other issues.”
“Divorce isn’t off the table though since he doesn’t understand that what he’s doing is wrong on so many levels and insists that he should keep doing it. He’s like a fictional villain stealing from the poor to stay rich.” – DearOP_
“It very likely could be stealing. Most food banks make you sign a paper stating you make under a certain amount to be eligible to use the service, indicating you are in need. If he is providing a false income statement to them in order to be allowed to get food he is stealing and could, rightly, be in legal trouble for it. If I was OP, I would be thinking about calling in a tip to the food bank.”
“Hopefully, they will just not allow him to get food in the future, but if they look to press charges he has earned them. What an entitled jerk.” – PerilousNebula
Others were appalled by the damage the OP’s husband was doing to their community.
“NTA.”
“Him: first of all because he’s stealing food from families who truly need it. As someone who has had food insecurity growing up, and who has had to deal with finding literal silverfish inside of a SEALED bag of pasta from a brand nobody has ever heard of, this is truly egregious and selfish behavior. To the point that if he wasn’t just being willfully malicious, I’d say he needs therapy.”
“You: if you stay with him, and for admitting the food is thrown away. At LEAST use it, or take it back, or replace the donations, and because you have been complicit/protected him several times before, because I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t have contacted the food bank and told them about this so it can be stopped.”
“If you want this to be NTA then please, please do something. As a former hungry child, I’m begging you to take a step, ANY step, in the right direction.” – ms_boogie
“Your husband is a big AH. Food banks are struggling like crazy to help those in actual need and here your husband just waltzes in and adds to the burden. Our household makes less than yours and we are donators. Your husband needs a reality check.” – Froggyswamp74
“Some rich people would do this not out of a poverty or trauma mindset but out of a wealth-hoarding mindset. They don’t tip at restaurants and they always want a bargain.”
“They see their frugality as the virtue that brings them wealth and often perceive poor people as wasteful (and therefore deserving of their poverty). If his family is like this, too, they probably think taking from a food pantry is resourceful in an Ayn Randian way where self-interest is the only rational way to live.” – grmplestiltskn
“I cannot conceive the level of entitlement here. That food is designated for people who literally cannot afford to fill their bellies and the bellies of their families. My family needed those donations when I was young, and as soon as my parents started doing well financially they started giving back as much as possible.”
“It makes me sick to think of someone dressing in dirty clothes and conning food out of the bellies of people that genuinely need it. YOU ARE MARRIED TO A CON MAN. How does he not see how disgusting this is?”
“I am seriously concerned that his response to you trying to reason with him is to say he’s going to go to MORE food banks. What a vindictive and gross response, considering you have thrown food away due to having too much.”
“My response would be, ‘Fine, you’re doing this to save money? For every food bank you visit, I will go to the grocery store and spend no less than $500 on groceries which I will immediately donate to food banks. Since you don’t care about my opinion on your saving habits, you will have no say on how I spend either.'”
“F**k that dude. NTA.” – wakandanvibranium
“NTA X1000. Your husband is stealing from people that are less fortunate. I’m frugal, too, and I like to save money where I can. I use coupons, buy store brand vs name brand for some products, etc. What your husband is doing isn’t frugality, it’s being a s**tty person.”
“I would go to the food bank with his photo and speak to the person in charge. Tell them you’re very sorry your husband has been coming, but you want to let them know he is not in need of a food bank.”
“If possible, I’d offer to make a charitable donation to cover the food he has taken from them. I don’t know if they can outright refuse him or not, but it’s worth a shot. They should be aware.”
“For you: you say he likes to control how you spend money. He sounds financially abusive. Please consider making that week away from him permanent.” – twelvedayslate
The subReddit could not have been more disgusted with the OP’s husband’s behavior with food, taking advantage of food banks, and stealing from his community in need.
While the OP was doing the right thing by donating money and food, in an attempt to make up for their husband’s behavior, the subReddit encouraged them to think about who they were married to, and whether they wanted to indirectly support his bad behavior by living under the same roof.