Accommodating a picky eater can be stressful. Accommodating someone whose tastes are constantly changing can be impossible.
So, if the person is an adult, why try?
That's the question a wife was asking when she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Egkison asked:
"AITA for telling my husband I’m not cooking for him anymore?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (41, female) have been married to my husband (41, male) for 17 years. He is the pickiest 'not picky' eater ever. This is absolutely not a throwaway Reddit account, and I would not be even a little bit upset if he encountered it."
"I’m going to keep this as brief as possible. I have been the primary person responsible with regard to finances and as the cook for most of our marriage. I keep a weekly budget on groceries and build a dinner meal plan based on grocery store sales."
"For a long time, I would ask my husband what his requests were, and it was always the same: steak, bacon, pizza. Sometimes it was in the budget, sometimes it wasn’t, but the larger problem was, what are we doing with these if I bring them home? Are you going to cook up a whole package of bacon and call it dinner?"
"The other issues include, when I make something, he likes it the first time I make it for him, but not the second time I make it, with little feedback as to why."
"Like if I made a casserole one month, he'd love it. If I make the exact same recipe two months later, he turns his nose up at it and doesn't want to eat it."
"When I try to serve leftovers in any capacity (there are a few things that are OK, but most are not. But giving him a frozen pot pie or meal is OK even though it’s basically frozen leftovers?), he turns up his nose. I can’t stand food waste, so this drives me crazy."
"So, WIBTA if I take half our weekly food budget, hand that half to him in cash and say 'Figure it out'?"
"I’m done trying to navigate it. Cooking and feeding is one of my love languages (yes he knows that), but I’m over catering to him. Can an actual grown a** man figure it out?"
"We both work full time. I took over our finances early in our marriage and cook most nights due to scheduling. When I grocery shop, I get cash from the ATM beforehand as a way to help stay on budget. That’s why I would hand off half to him."
"His mother is the pickiest eater I’ve ever met!"
"I’ll make a meal once; he says he likes it. I make the same meal again a few weeks later, and he says he doesn’t like it. OK, why?"
"He says he doesn’t really like this vegetable, or the cheese for that dish seemed wrong, or he saw me sniff an ingredient to make sure it wasn’t spoiled and he decided it was no good, or I picked the wrong lotto numbers and now everything tastes funny."
"I don't know at this point."
"He’s actually a great cook; he just doesn’t want to figure it out. He cooks for us often when I give him meat, veg, and he can just put it on the grill."
"But heaven forbid I make a pot of chili. I guess now, after YEARS of making it for dinner, he’s decided it’s enough? I don’t follow…"
"He’s become complacent. Not something to leave him over; I just don’t want to cater to this behavior any more. He just changes his opinion on food so often, I can’t keep up!"
"This has been a source of contention for years. We will go weeks without any issue, and then suddenly I’m getting 'complaints' every night."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. I begged my ex-husband for help with food. I cried. I pleaded. I regularly communicated how meaningful it would be to have him help. Just take some of the mental (and physical!) load off me."
"It never really happened unless I set up all the ingredients for Hamburger Helper and asked him to make it. Then I left. We are still friends, and that man sends me photos of him cooking steak! Salmon! Casseroles! He told me he actually realized he enjoys cooking and trying new recipes."
"He cooks all the time and does his grocery shopping regularly. No idea why he couldn't find that energy when I was crying over it and begging for help, but I'd go ahead and stop and let him figure his stuff out." ~ MountainHighOnLife
"NTA. I stopped cooking for my husband early in our relationship. He is hypercritical of everything he eats, even if he cooks it himself. We either eat separately or he cooks for us. It works for us." ~ Pear_tickle
"NTA. Stop cooking for him. Separate groceries and write your name on the items you buy. Don't buy communal food. Only buy for yourself. Let him learn how to adult." ~ houseofprimetofu
"NTA. Time for him to own his choices, but only if you are ok with him eating complete garbage like fast food all the time." ~ Master-Macaroon-6206
"He’s a grown a** man. If he wants to ruin his health, she can hardly stop him; he already lives on pizza and bacon. Acting like she’s the only thing keeping him from living like a frat boy is some infantilizing BS." ~ BatFlappington
"Right? Let him eat fast food if that's what he ends up doing. She's been managing the budget and cooking for almost two decades while he acts like a child about food waste. Handing him his half of the cash and stepping back is the best move she could make." ~ Tanmijelky
"NTA, I'd hand him his list and money. He can cook for himself. Either forever, or maybe he'll be a more equal (and less picky) partner once he gets a sense of how much work it is." ~ KaraAuden
"NTA at all. He’s not a kid OP, he can fend for himself in the kitchen. Let him cook for himself although l wouldn’t be surprised if all of a sudden he has no problem eating what you cooked!" ~ Popular-Parsnip8911
"NTA grown man can cook for himself if he doesn't like the food you are making; that simple. Married 12 years here to a not picky eater, but communication is key here."
"If your spouse refuses to efficiently communicate the preferences and find a reasonable solution with you, then husband can cook his own damn food." ~ TrippyWifey
"NTA. Nothing more pathetic than a fully grown adult who cannot feed themselves." ~ Cool_Ordinary7216
"NTA. I had to double-check that I hadn’t made this post and then forgotten about it. My husband suddenly stops liking things too."
"And then years later, he will ask why I never make that anymore and will claim to have no memory of telling me he didn’t like it. The goalposts kept moving, and nothing was ever good enough, so I stepped back from trying to cater to him."
"I make what I like, and he’s welcome to have some, but if he doesn’t want it, there are corn dogs and frozen pizza in the freezer. I’m not thrilled by his dietary choices, but he’s a grown man, and I’m not his mother/warden/personal chef."
"There are healthier and more varied options available. He opts not to partake, and that’s on him." ~ sangriacat
"Yeah you should probably take a break, at the very least until he can have some actual appreciation for the work you are putting in." ~ Aliteracy
"NTA. Let him make his own meals. If he doesn't know how to cook, now is the perfect time to learn. You stick to yours and enjoy your leftovers." ~ CorneliaCordelia
"NTA - right around 16 years is when I got extremely tired of planning all the meals and doing all the cooking. It happened to correspond to Covid times, which meant I couldn't even get takeout any more."
"So I handed it off in large part to my husband, who stepped up nicely. He liked having another thing to search on YouTube. He liked trying new things."
"And I didn't have to think about it for 5 minutes at a time. Maybe make it seem like an adventure rather than years of built-up resentment, if you can." ~ xj2608
"NTA. These days, food is way too expensive to waste. Let him buy and eat what he wants with his half of your household food budget."
"Or, you could continue to cook, and tell him he owes you $25 bucks for the food and your labor every time he refuses to eat." ~ ExtensionViolinist97
"You’re not a short-order cook, and your home isn’t a restaurant. Feed yourself and let hubby sort himself out. His pickiness may improve in a few weeks once he has to put in the effort to sustain himself. NTA." ~ CellarDoor238
"My husband is very particular about food, and I have a limit to what I'll do to accommodate it. Over time he's matured and is easier to cook for. If he starts getting fussy, he's on his own."
"The moment it feels like a hassle, let it go and let him fend for himself. That's what I do. I do special things just because he likes them that way. But at a certain point, once he gets abnormally demanding, I'm out." ~ jenniferonthemoon76
OP has spent 17 years trying to accommodate someone who can't seem to decide what they like.
Letting him fend for himself sounds like the best solution.
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