Cooking rituals vary from couple to couple.
Often in marriage, there’s always the one person who does all the cooking, while the other contributes by cleaning up afterward.
Some couples take turns doing the cooking as they are both capable.
One woman had a specific gripe about what’s been happening in the household, and when she confronted the issue, things didn’t go the way she hoped.
So she visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor kanyecwest asked:
“AITA for not cooking from scratch for my husband anymore?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ve (24 F[female]) been married to my husband (M[ale] 24) for around 5 years at this point. when we first moved in with each other, we split finances but it was always my responsibility to make sure dinner was on the table.”
“Cooking and baking are my passions, so I was very happy to take on this responsibility.”
“As of 4-ish years ago, finances have been entirely his responsibility. he works two jobs from home for about eight hours a day total for 5 days a week. 40 hours total.”
“We are not struggling financially. Over the years, I have felt that he has become less and less appreciative of my cooking.”
The OP continued:
“Previously, I would make a home-cooked meal with fresh ingredients every single night, save for the two or three nights a month when we go out to a restaurant. I also take care of all of the grocery shopping.”
“In regards to other household chores, they are sort of split. he is responsible for emptying the dishwasher and putting dishes away, but everything else is mostly my responsibility.”
“Back on topic, ive noticed he is very wasteful of food, especially regarding leftovers. i expressed to him that it made me feel upset that he would refuse to touch any food that wasnt cooked by me that night and served to him.”
“He told me that he had squicks regarding leftover food due to his upbringing in a hoarder house where spoiled food was often kept in the fridge.”
“I told him that I understood, and I also asked if freezing any leftover food after I had served dinner would help with my fear of food rotting. He told me yes, and I happily stored any leftover food in the freezer instead of the fridge from then on.”
However, the problem wasn’t solved.
“One month after we made that compromise, he has still failed to reheat and eat one single meal ive frozen for him. he will refuse to eat dinner entirely unless i prepare his dinner for him and serve it to him.”
“He keeps falling back on the excuse that it is due to his food safety fears, but he has also told me it’s because he feels like he should never have to prepare his own dinner because he is the one who works.”
“I feel like if he gets to work from home and chooses to have a day off anytime he likes while also getting weekends off, I should also have nights where I am free from some of my obligations.”
It was time for the OP to make a stand.
“I got fed up with this and explained to him that i would no longer be cooking fresh meals for him from now on. i said i would still take care of groceries but i would likely only cook something with fresh ingredients once a week or so and the rest would be pre-prepared, considering i feel like my effort is not appreciated.”
“He got really angry and insisted that I continue cooking fresh meals for him, but I said that if he wasn’t going to respect my time and effort, he wasn’t going to get my time and effort presented to him.”
“I’m really sick of trying again and again to compromise while not getting any of my asks respected.”
“AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors weighed in with various thoughts.
“INFO: Is there a reason why you haven’t adjusted your cooking to make mostly 2 serving meals? I’ll grant you that some things are hard or even impossible to make just 2 servings of, but most things can be cooked in smaller portions. If your husband won’t eat leftovers, why haven’t you adapted to that?”
“I say this as someone who is picky about leftovers, so my husband and I only make bigger batches of things if I do like them leftover or they’re things he enjoys enough that he’ll want to eat them for lunch until they’re gone.”
“I know that cooking mostly 2 portion meals can take some practice and a bit of math to reduce the portions, but it’s really not that hard.” – KaliTheBlaze
“I think the main issue is the time and effort required. Not money and not wasted food. Cooking pasta for 2 is not much of a time or effort saver when compared with cooking for 4. However, if her husband would eat leftovers, cooking every second day would save a lot of time and effort.” – Equivalent-Board206
“This is the reason. I love cooking. But cooking a meal every night, only to have my husband and I be too tired to appreciate even that, is exhausting when we both work.”
“If it can’t be prepared in 15 minutes or less, I’m doing it for meal prep for the week or it’s a special occasion. Otherwise we are both fine trading a slightly tastier meal for time able to be spent together.” – anon
“It’s not even that.”
“Cooking for four means that you can save the leftovers and have them for lunch a day or two later, which eliminates the need to make something more substantial for lunch.” – Mayor__Defacto
“The fact that your husband refuses to ever prepare his own meal and that he expects you to do all the cooking, 7 days a week, is a massive issue though.”
“Like you said, you need days off from your work/obligations just like he does. There’s no reason why you can’t eat prepared meals you just have to heat up a few times a week.” – Greedy-Win-4880
“Absolutely. My husband didn’t like leftovers, too. He was used to his mother cooking every day from scratch. But I don’t like to cook. When we got married, he soon learned how to eat leftovers, and later, he learned how to cook. I can easily eat the same reheated dish day after day, so he didn’t make his likes and dislikes my problem.” – umareplicante
“Like pretty much any issue, both parties need to be willing to move toward a solution.”
“For OP, restricting meals to make smaller portions is one way to do this for example. Think of a vegetable beef soup. The veggie part is best when it still has a little bite to it.”
“There’s no reason why OP can’t make the beef soup portion in a normal size batch, including the Chuck roast, but before adding any of the potatoes and carrots, etc, portion out the soup base/meat into meal-sized portions and freeze. Then, for tonight’s dinner, add 1 diced potato. One chopped carrot, a handful of green beans etc.”
“Then in 2 weeks when you want soup again, the time consuming part is done. Go to the store and buy 1 potato, 1 carrot etc, defrost the soup and put it in a pot and add your veg. It’s no longer leftovers, it’s fresh made.”
“At the same time, doing your ‘passion’ 7 days a week for 5 years causes burnout. Her husband should understand that and he needs to acknowledge she needs a break and not make her feel guilty for it. He should also step up to being responsible for 1 meal a week, even if it’s simple like omlet night.” – Girl_with_no_Swag
“There’s also no reason she can’t have a job. This whole resurgence of ‘trad wives’ weirds me out. If you don’t have kids both partners should be working and doing household tasks evenly. Especially at 24, they should be working and saving for a home and future.”
“Besides that someone else pointed out that from her post history there’s a bit of some shadiness going on. I’m not excusing him either, dude sounds like a dick. Just saying they probably both need to get their sh*t together.” – clambroculese
“My husband doesn’t like leftovers either because of his childhood. We had to figure out how to cook so there wouldn’t be much left over. Like you, I don’t like food waste. He will take some leftovers to work the next day for lunch, so that helps. However, that’s a more recent development. We’ve been married for almost 25 years.”
“I have an issue with your husband refusing to eat unless you serve him. He’s an adult, and you’re not his maid. Over the years, my husband and I have been responsible for cooking meals over the years. Due to our current schedules, I’m the one who cooks dinner during the week.”
“That means I cook Monday through Thursday. I’ll heat up a frozen pizza on Friday, but I’m not making a big dinner. I don’t cook on the weekends. My husband either cooks or picks up dinner for us. I don’t care which one it is, but I need days off from cooking dinner.”
“Your husband refusing to eat dinner unless you personally serve him is ridiculous. I sometimes put my husband’s dinner on a plate, but it’s never expected. He’ll also plate my dinner. See how that works? We help each other. We do things for each other.”
“You and your husband need to come to an agreement that works for both of you! You can enjoy cooking and baking and still not want to do it every single night.” – JoslynEmilia
Overall, Redditors agreed that the OP and her husband need to come to a compromise regarding eating at home. This can only be achieved if they civilly sit down and have a mature conversation about the hiccup. Otherwise, delaying the unresolved problem could be a recipe for disaster.