Marriage looks different to different people. For some, it's a lifelong commitment to only one person. Emotional, romantic, or sexual attachments with other people are strictly verboten.
But for other couples, marriage doesn't mean monogamy.
Those relationships generally fall into a few categories:
- Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM): umbrella term for relationships where all partners are fully aware and consent to outside connections
- Open Marriage: primary partnership where spouses remain emotionally or legally committed to each other while pursuing outside sexual partners
- Swinging: lifestyle where a married couple engages in recreational sexual activities with other people, often together as a social or group activity
- Polyamory: multiple, simultaneous loving and committed relationships with the knowledge of everyone involved.
A husband who's done with his open marriage turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Kampur asked:
"AITAH for not wanting my wife to hang out with someone that hates me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I got married young and have been together for a few years. We live on a farm about an hour outside the nearest city, and we don't have many friends."
"A while back we decided to try an open relationship, despite both of us being a bit jealous. Part of the reasoning was social: basically every guy who tries to talk to her ends up hitting on her, and we figured this way she could actually keep some of those friendships instead of having to cut people off."
"The problem is that recently she caught feelings for one of these guys."
"It went way past flirting or small talk, they became close friends, and he started saying things like he was going to 'fix' our open relationship, that he wanted to marry her and have kids with her, and that he wanted her to move to his city, along with some other things that also broke our open-relationship boundaries, which she hid from me, but I ended up finding out."
"This crossing of the boundaries we had set for the open relationship ended up on us having a big fight about it. I was honestly ready to end things."
"We spent a few nights talking it through, trying to figure out whether we should separate. During that time, she kind of panicked and went to her friend group (which includes this guy) to vent."
"They all agreed that our relationship was garbage and that we should break up. This guy went as far as buying a last-minute ticket and traveling to our city to be with her and 'offer good company'."
"But while he was on his way here, my wife and I actually worked things out. We talked, and I agreed to give her a second chance, with one condition: I didn't want her getting involved with the people who spent that week trashing me and pushing her to leave, especially this guy, given what he said and did."
"She cried, got angry, and defended him hard. She said she didn't want to be 'an a**hole' to him after he made the effort to come here for her. She also now wants to take a break from the relationship, go stay in the city by herself and 'go out'... which happens to line up exactly with the days this guy is in town."
"To be clear: I know I can't control what she does. I told her I'm fine with her keeping online friendships (Discord, etc.). What I said is that if she goes to see this guy or hooks up with him, that's going to hurt me a lot and she'd be putting the relationship at serious risk."
"To me, that's a dealbreaker."
"There's also a broader pattern. My wife vents about our relationship to all her friends like they're couples therapists. She admits she does it to check whether she's 'right' and to get validation and sympathy. The way she tells it, these people end up disliking me, and then they push her toward leaving."
"So, AITAH for treating this guy (and this group) as a dealbreaker? And is it normal to be bothered by how she talks about our relationship to her friends?"
"We both like what we have, we have a house, we have everything we've built together, and also, she cannot be alone."
"She says I am indebted to her because she raised me to become who I am. She doesn't have a job or anything of value, but she claims it's because she dedicated her life to me like a mother, as I am kinda her provider."
"She has strong anxiety and cannot handle being alone, so if I leave she will have nothing, and will be desperate looking for someplace or someone to stay..."
OP added a synopsis of the situation:
"Open relationship, wife caught feelings for a guy who said he'd 'fix' our marriage and wanted to marry her. During a rough patch her friends (including him) told her to leave me and he flew in last minute to be with her."
"We reconciled, and I asked her not to get involved with him or that group. She's furious, says I'm being unfair to him, and wants to 'take a break' alone in the city while he's here."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to set a reasonable boundary (NTA).
"You just named the worst (and saddest) reasons to stay married to someone. You must know that. 'You have to stay with me because I'm like your mother and I need your money and I'll be sad if you go' is not a foundation for a marriage." ~ pnw_cfb_girl
"Your baseline for normal is so off it's currently flying past Pluto and set to leave the solar system. She's probably not super consciously aware she's manipulating you, but she's done a bang up job."
"You are the manipulated, the manipulated is you. You're gonna suffer so she can be fine, and then she's just going to do what she wants."
"It should be 50 50. Where's your 50 percent? You're doing all the giving, she's doing all the taking. She's extractive. Get out, have the chance at happiness you deserve." ~ composedofidiot
"With all due respect, that sounds like she’s monkey branching and doesn’t want you to wise up until she’s got her next setup in place. She 'raised you?' Like a trained circus animal?"
"So she openly disrespects you and your relationship to every single one of her friends, but credit where it’s due, at least she also does it straight to your face too."
"If that’s how you want the rest of your life to play out, then brother, I wish you the best." ~ phoenixjen8
"Monkey branching" is a dating behavior where someone in a committed relationship secures or lines up a new romantic or emotional partner before breaking up with their current one.
"So she’s just using you as a provider, whilst completely disrespecting your relationship and choosing others over you?She isn’t your mother and did not raise you. She’s supposed to be your partner, but failing spectacularly."
"You are essentially just her meal ticket and carer. Tell her to f*ck off and let the other guy look after her from now on. And refuse to take her back when he realises what she is really like and he dumps her immature, selfish and highly manipulative a**."
"She’s playing you like a fiddle mate. This woman doesn’t love you and never has, she just loves what you provide for her." ~ MrsSEM84
"That is a very manipulative foundation for the relationship. You do not owe her staying in the relationship because it’s what she needs."
"You are not indebted to her, and being in a relationship with her is no way to repay a debt in the first place. Stay if it’s right for you. I would leave." ~ My_Dramatic_Persona
"No one is ever obligated to be in a relationship, but if you still needed to be 'raised' you have even less obligation. As you grow up, what is right for you will change. You won't be the same person at 40 as you were at 18."
"That's likely to mean the right person for you is someone different. And I say that despite being with my husband for 30 years—we happen to have grown together."
"Dedicating your life to someone generally includes loyalty. That means not being friends with people who are anti your partner. It means not lying/breaking relationship boundaries."
"Male friends who just want to hit on you is not a problem unique to your wife. Most of us choose either not having male friends or (my preference) having quality friends and clear communication/boundaries."
"Deciding to just sleep with people to bribe them into friendship is an odd choice."
"As far as we know, you get one life. Don't spend it being responsible for someone else's anxiety." ~ Cevanne46
"NTA. If she wants to continue in the relationship she shouldn't be maintaining that kind of relationship with someone who's goal is to break you two up. His intentions aren't in line with what she told you she wants." ~ ZoomZoomZachAttack
OP provided an update:
"She's currently in the other room talking to the other guy and a bunch of his friends making plans to go out. I am packing my bags up as we speak, thank you everyone."
OP has decided he's no longer responsible for his wife's happiness.
As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her