When it comes to major events, like baby showers, graduations, and weddings, it’s important for the people behind the planning play to each of their strengths.
Because when someone volunteers for more than they can handle, it’s obvious and can quickly become catastrophic for the event itself and the people attending, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor lexiezazzles had been surprised when her sister-in-law offered to host a baby shower for her and hesitated to say yes, before accepting to show appreciation and trust in her sister-in-law.
But when her sister-in-law was uncommunicative in the weeks leading up to the event, and then was furious throughout the whole event itself, the Original Poster (OP) questioned why she had volunteered herself to begin with.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to apologize to my sister-in-law (SIL) who ruined my baby shower she ‘hosted’?”
The OP was hesitant when her sister-in-law offered to help with her baby shower.
“My MIL wants my husband and me to apologize to my BIL and SIL (honestly, ‘Satan-in-law’ is more accurate than ‘Sister-in-law’) so the holidays will be ‘normal.’ I don’t feel like I’m the one who should apologize, but I’d like outside opinions.”
“My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We never had a big wedding or reception; we were traveling for work at the time and just eloped in Paris. After years of trying, we’re finally expecting our first child.”
“My husband has one brother who’s been married for 15+ years, and they chose not to have kids.”
“We told BIL and SIL about the pregnancy before our FB announcement. SIL seemed excited and offered to host the baby shower at her home.”
“I was hesitant because she has a very strong personality, but I agreed to keep the peace.”
She became increasingly worried about her sister-in-law’s planning skills.
“Fast forward to me being six months pregnant. No one has mentioned the shower.”
“I reach out, SIL says, ‘Yeah, I guess we should do invites.’ I send her the guest list and details. She never orders them. So I end up ordering and sending my own shower invites while pregnant for the shower she’s ‘hosting.'”
“Then SIL says she wants a co-host to share costs. No problem. A close friend of mine, Dana, who already wanted to host me a shower, agrees to cohost.”
“I also bring in my best friend, Rebecca, who does event planning to help. The three of us, plus my husband, make an Excel sheet of tasks and email it to everyone, including my SIL, so everyone knows who’s doing what.”
“At this point, I double-check she is still good with having it at her home, and she states she is.”
Working with the OP’s sister-in-law only continued to get worse.
“Communication turns into a nightmare because SIL refuses group FB messages, and Dana’s phone can’t handle big group texts.”
“Dana and Rebecca both reach out to SIL individually, offering to help.”
“SIL’s only input is, ‘I’ll serve nuts and crackers,’ and, ‘We have to be out by 4:00 PM,’ even though she had previously said we could stay as long as needed.”
The weekend of the shower was shocking.
“Weekend of the shower, two of the three hosts have a game plan, and food is purchased.”
“The night before, Rebecca messages SIL, offering help and gets, ‘You can come clean my house and cook me dinner.’ They had never even met before, and Rebecca had just driven five hours to be there.”
“The day of, we’re told no parking in the yard or street, only in the driveway. Okay, no problem.”
“Then we can’t even set up until 30 minutes before because SIL ‘had plans.'”
“When we arrive, she and an uninvited friend are putting up ‘no parking’ signs and dancing around. Guests start arriving while we’re still scrambling to set up.”
“During the shower, SIL stomps around, slams doors, plays on her phone, makes snide comments to her friend, disappears to the basement to blast metal music so loud the floor vibrates, and doesn’t speak to any guests.”
“The one time I try to talk to her, she rolls her eyes and says, ‘We’ll discuss this later.’ I’m pregnant, stressed, and in tears.”
“BIL later says SIL is ‘mad she wasn’t included’ in the planning, even though she got the Excel sheet, texts, and calls from Dana and Rebecca.”
Then the OP’s sister-in-law started pushing for the party to end.
“At 3:30 PM, I’m still opening gifts. SIL starts texting my husband, threatening to have everyone ‘arrested and towed’ if we’re not out by 4:00 PM. My husband pushes back, but we still rush to finish and clean.”
“MIL asks for the vacuum to help, SIL says it’s ‘changing’ (not ‘charging’) and can’t be used. We obviously couldn’t get the place perfect.”
“FIL even asks if he can stay to lock up while we finish, and SIL says no. Glitter from the decorations ends up near an air vent and in a pile of her dirty laundry. It was minor, but she flipped out.”
“While we’re loading cars, she storms out, screaming, ‘Who stole my d**n chair?’ It had just been moved to the laundry room.”
The sister-in-law turned to social media to lash out.
“As soon as we leave, she goes on a Facebook rant comparing the shower to a ‘January sixth insurrection,’ complaining about parking, glitter, spilled lemonade (which my husband cleaned), people moving items to make space, someone using her cookie sheet to warm up food, Rebecca’s husband being present (she called him a ‘piece of s**t’ behind his back, while he’s the godfather of our baby and an honorably discharged vet), and the chair for myself (mom-to-be) to sit in.”
“Other things she was mad with and stated includes; decorations brought in, us bring in folding chairs because of her not having adequate seating for people, especially the older people with disabilities because, in her words, ‘she doesn’t give a f**k where people are going to sit because they can stand up.'”
The OP saw no reason to apologize for all of this.
“She texted all three of us a long message calling us ‘pieces of s**t’ the next day.”
“My husband responded to defend me since I was seven months pregnant, which SIL then used and posted on Facebook to say, ‘My piece of s**t SIL can’t even stand up for herself.'”
“Now MIL is telling us to apologize to SIL and BIL so the holidays will be normal. I feel like we bent over backward and still got humiliated.”
“AITAH for refusing to apologize?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and no apologies were needed.
“Why be nice about it? Tell MIL. Tell Everyone. You are allowed to simply refuse to be in the same room with that cow. Let everyone know how horrible she was.”
“And OP, don’t you dare apologize. You already gave her way too much leeway. Should have switched venues the second she started getting nasty.” – joliet_
“‘MIL asks for the vacuum to help, SIL says it’s ‘changing’ and can’t be used. We obviously couldn’t get the place perfect. FIL even asks if he can stay to lock up while we finish, SIL says no.'”
“His parents already know. Sounds like this isn’t the first time SIL has emotionally terrorized the family. But it should be the last time the OP puts up with it. NTA.” – aj_alva
“This is so utterly insane. And you don’t have to apologise because you are no longer going to be attending family events where she is present.”
“Your husband needs to let his mother know what happened in no uncertain terms and close the door on that vile woman permanently.” – AlternativeLie9486
“NTA, and there will be no apology, at least not in the direction your MiL wants one.”
“If SiL wants to apologize to YOU, fine.”
“I hate to diagnose over the internet, but it’s pretty clear your SiL has APD: A**hole Personality Disorder. Gift your BiL some toilet paper for the holidays and wash your hands of these fools til they come clean.” – Curious-One4595
“Not only would I not apologize in the first place, but the reason MIL says they should is so they can have a ‘normal holiday…'”
“Why on earth would anyone want a ‘normal holiday’ with SIL? Why would anyone want to spend time with her period?” – pepeswife80
Others agreed and urged the OP to skip the “perfect” holidays and start something of her own.
“If this type of entitled and unhinged behavior is MIL’s idea of ‘normal,’ I’d seriously reconsider allowing any of them around your newborn. Be sure to lock down your birthing plan with the hospital in case the crazy train tries to crash the LDR.”
“Wishing you a safe delivery and a healthy baby.” – BunnySlayer64
“I’d just skip the holidays, like why stress yourself out even more while pregnant?
“Invite your MIL alone to meet the child. SIL should be dead to you both. Your lives will be so much more peaceful. What kind of brother won’t stand up for his sibling? NTA.” – Ready-Conflict-1887
“I remember my son’s first Christmas. He was just over three months old and we were expected to bring him to the in-laws’ (25 minutes away, which we did), because they wanted to see their first grandchild on his first Christmas.”
“Anybody who’s ever tried traveling with an infant knows what a pain in the a** it is. After that, I said never again and stuck to it. I told my wife that if they want to see their grandchild on Christmas, they know where we live. Until the day they died, they never made the trip.” – cb_snow
“You and your husband celebrate the holidays without this insane person. Something is seriously wrong with her. Stop being the bigger person; it was you who was wronged.”
“Plus, being the bigger person just allows poor behavior to be swept under the rug, and nothing ever changes. If you apologize once, you do it again and again and again.”
“Don’t turn that into a holiday tradition or a family tradition to be handed down. NTA.” – Vandreeson
“You can order the whole completed holiday dinner at markets now. Get one and invite in-laws over the next day. Have a peaceful dinner and let MIL and FIL enjoy their grandchild.”
“Avoid this thoughtless, toxic person. What a horrible betrayal for you to suffer, especially seven months pregnant, when she was lazy, put off any plans for months, and ended up acting out like an immature teenager.”
“She isn’t someone I’d want to be around, and I definitely wouldn’t want her or her husband around my child. The next thing she’s going to be pissed about is that in-laws will want to pay attention to grandbaby. She’ll use that as another excuse to be nasty and vindictive.” – Opinionated6319
The subReddit was left so alarmed by the OP’s story, they barely talked about the details of the sister-in-law’s behavior and focused on what the OP could do to protect her peace and move on instead.
They were very interested in the OP not only refusing to apologize, but also being very honest with the family about how her immediate family was being treated and how that was unacceptable to her going forward.
Also, the holidays could still be incredible and family-centric without every single family member in attendance. Rather than worry about her complaining about the food or telling stories about the chimney and the Christmas tree, it seemed far better to celebrate without the sister-in-law.