Destination weddings are a good choice for couples who want to keep things small. But when the bride and groom expect everyone to make the journey, they're not the best option.
A sibling dealing with their sister's wedding choices turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Prof_garyoak asked:
"AITA for declining my sister's wedding due to poor guest accommodations?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister announced her engagement a few months ago. She has only been dating the guy for 9 months at that time. I have only met him twice."
"My sister wants everyone to go to Florida so they can get married on a cruise ship, then go on a cruise with folks that are willing to the following day. As someone who is unable to cruise and who hates all travel, this is extremely problematic for me."
"*she scheduled the wedding for a Monday."
"This means I would have to take two days off of work to attend."
"*she scheduled the wedding outside of our home state so she could get married on a boat, meaning I will need to spend $500 on plane tickets, and even more on a hotel to get there."
"*she did not, and still has not directly sent me an invite."
"She told my grandparents I could help with transportation for them since I am the only family member with a driver's license and without kids to support, and I got a call from my grandpa asking me to help him with transportation before I even knew there was a wedding."
"Not only that, but because my grandpa is on dialysis, I will need to stop at a hospital at least once both ways for him to get the care he needs. I feel since this is her wedding, it is her job to find proper care for our grandparents, and that she can't pawn it off on me."
"This also makes me feel like I can't go to the wedding without being guilted about not wanting to help them."
"*I am autistic and eat a strict diet at very strict times."
"I have been informed the cruise ship will not allow me to bring any homemade food on board and I will only be able to select food from a small menu which does not meet my needs."
"If she valued my grandparents being at her wedding, she would have the reception near their hometown. If she valued the rest of us being there, she would have it in the state we all live."
"I feel like it's okay to decline, given she is having what is essentially a destination wedding."
"AITA?"
The OP later added:
"She is having her wedding in a city nobody llives in and is asking everyone to shell out for the cruise, if possible, to have a 'group vacation'."
"She is having her wedding on a Monday making everyone take off work, essentially asking all of us to use our limited PTO."
"She is making her grandparents who need medical care travel across the state."
"She is having her wedding on a cruise ship where I can't even bring homemade food to take care of my dietary needs; literally anywhere else would have been fine."
"If she valued any of us at the wedding, she would have done something different."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I declined my sister's invitation to her wedding. People may consider me an a**hole because it's my sister's wedding, regardless of my reasons why."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Anytime someone has a destination wedding, it's okay for even immediate family not to come."
"Those are the rules. The moment literally every single person included needs to travel, and has no options to stay at family's homes or anything like that. Then you can't get mad if people can't make it to your wedding."
"The only exception to this rule is if the bride and groom are paying for people to either travel, or to have a place to stay."
"To add on to this, since your sister is having a wedding on a Monday, and not the weekend, not everybody can get off work or can afford to take off work."
"You are 100% not the a-hole. Just tell people you can't take off work. Make a big deal of how crazy it is that she's having a Monday wedding. Say you don't have time off." ~ LighthouseonSaturn
"If you are aware that attending puts a burden on the attendee—financial, medical or otherwise; then attendance cannot be expected. If the bride/groom does not put measures in place to help ease those burdens, then they cannot do anything but be understanding if those barriers are insurmountable."
"I was living interstate from the majority of my family when I got married, and as an immigrant, my husband had many family members overseas. We invited everyone, worked out potential discounts with a nice, but reasonably priced hotel local to the venue; and hoped for the best."
"Some were able to come, some couldn't. My grandma and grandad included—the travel was just too much for them."
"As long as OP makes an effort to look into whether or not they can make it, if it turns out that for whatever reason they can't get around the issues, they are not the a**hole (NTA) for declining." ~ rebekahster
"We had a wedding near most of our family, but still a trip for some. We were sad about those that could not attend, but only really upset about one of them—my wife's brother, my wife attended both of his weddings and he really isn't that far away."
"It is perfectly acceptable in the vast majority of cases for people not to travel for these things. NTA." ~ HaggisLad
"NTA. Even if the bride and groom offer to pay it's still OK to say no. Financial costs is only part of it. Taking time off work is also a big reason to decline." ~ ApprehensiveBook4214
"NTA. You tell your grandparents that you are sorry because you don't know anything about a wedding as she has not reached out and told you nor has she invited you."
"Then you tell them that now even if she were to invite you you have no intentions of going and give them the reasons if you want to."
"Then tell them that if she really wanted them there then she would have made sure that they would have transportation and accommodations instead of telling them that you, someone she didn't even see fit to invite or tell you anything about it, could get them there."
"'Well, Grandpa it sure is of the utmost importance to her for you and Grandma to be there considering she told you I could without ever talking to me about it first and inviting me, much less making sure I could/would be there. I love you but this is something you will have to take up with her as I can't help you'." ~ TheBlueLady39
"It's an invitation, not a demand to appear. You can tell her it's just out of your budget/ability to get time off work/etc..."
"I know she's your sister, but throwing a destination wedding like this, she has to expect that a lot of people won't be able to be there. You are NTA." ~ IamIrene
"NTA. You can't decline something you've not even technically been invited to!"
"Tell your Grandparents that if/when you receive an invite, you'll be declining, so that if they wish to go, they can make their own arrangements—given that your Grandpa is ill, I find your sister's expectations on him too high/unreasonable."
"Destination weddings are always difficult & certainly don't suit everyone, so it's OK to not want or not be able to go."
"If/when you get the invite, reply immediately that you wish the couple well, but that you're unable to attend. You don't owe them a paragraph of reasons, it's better to keep it short & simple." ~ Separate-Okra-2335
"NTA. It's very okay for you to decline. Tell your grandparents that you haven't actually been invited, but if you do get an invitation, you are unfortunately unable to attend." ~ OkeyDokey654
"NTA for not going on the cruise. That sounds horrible for you. That's not even the wedding anymore, but a vacation that you don't want."
"And it's totally ridiculous for someone on dialysis to travel for a destination wedding."
"But it sounds like there are 2 different things—the wedding on Monday, which is held on a cruise ship. And then the cruise leaves on Tuesday 'with folks that are willing to', so it does sound like you could separate attending the wedding from being on the actual cruise."
"As a general statement though, I don't think that taking 1-2 days off work, buying a domestic plane ticket, and spending 1-2 nights in a hotel for an immediate family member's wedding is a ridiculous ask, though if you can't afford it, you can't afford it and it's 100% OK to decline."
"The 'you must shepherd the grandparents around and ensure they get there and back without dying' is crazy ridiculous though." ~ Dante2377
"You are NTA to not go. When you eventually get it, it's an invitation, not a summons."
"You can decide to attend or not, and if it is not going to work for you, then that's the answer."
"It's also not right for them to expect help with your grandparents, especially when they spoke to them before even having a conversation with you about it."
"But I do think it's a bit unfair to say things like if they valued us being there, they would have it in our home state. Their wedding should be about them and what they want."
"If they do make it harder for some to attend, then they need to understand not everyone will go, but they are not wrong for choosing to have their wedding their way." ~ One_Comment_8384
"Even if they don't go on the actual cruise, the wedding itself is on the boat—and they won't be able to bring any of their own food on board. So for however long the ceremony and reception is, they'll have to skip eating."
"Possibly even longer than they'd choose to, I assume, since it's assumed they're shuttling the grandparents. If the grandparents don't want to leave the reception yet, OP is stuck too." ~ brightshadowsky
All invitations are a request, not a dictate. It's always OK to say no.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp