Destination weddings are a beautiful concept but difficult to plan, and sometimes even more difficult to plan for attendees, who often have to figure out room and board, plus other details and costs in order to go.
What a bride and groom have to understand is that, by having a destination wedding, they're guaranteeing that some of their guests simply will not be able to go, even if they're an important person in their life, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Excellent-Still4760 was excited for their sister to get married, but they were not at all enthused about it being a complicated destination wedding that would require a lengthy, expensive flight, plus time off work.
When their family realized they were considering not going and were disappointed, the Original Poster (OP) wondered how wrong it would be not to go.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for declining to go to my sister's destination wedding?"
The OP's sister planned an expensive, long-distance destination wedding.
"My sister chose a destination wedding in a location that’s inconvenient, about 14 hours by plane for me to get there."
"It would run a few thousand dollars to make it happen, and while the money isn’t a big problem, I just don’t want to make the trek and sit in an economy seat to show face at this wedding."
The OP's family didn't appreciate that they might not attend.
"Lots of my family are going, however, and they’re pretty upset that I’ve indicated I don’t want to go."
"For what it's worth, I have a busy job, and taking time off is a pain in the a**, so while I feel a bit bad, I also think a domestic wedding makes more sense if you’re sensitive as to who turns up?"
"Happy to be wrong. Just looking for another perspective."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that destination weddings statistically had much lower positive RSVPs.
"Destination weddings can be a hassle; usually, people who do that don’t expect most to come." - ncjr591
"I scheduled and planned my wedding around the people who I absolutely didn't want to miss it. So that meant I didn't have the exact wedding venue and timing that I wanted, but I got the wedding I wanted because my family was all able to be there."
"What's more important to OP's sibling? To have them there or to have the wedding in a cool spot?" - swd12422
"If you don't take into account whether the people you most want there can reasonably make it there, then they may not. It comes down to whether the venue or the people are what matters most." - readergirl35
"I did not attend my sibling's destination wedding despite my mom whining about it for months. NOR." - SpicyPom86
"My sister-in-law didn't attend her own daughter's destination wedding. She didn't want to spend a week at a resort with her ex-husband and his mom. The week was so bad with the ex-MIL that the ex-husband's second wife left him because of his mom at the wedding."
"My sister-in-law was wise to not go and be in that mess. I do wonder if her daughter chose the destination hoping that grandma wouldn't make it to the wedding." - BlazingSunflowerland
"My cousin got married on the Amalfi Coast in Italy. We are all from New York; she got married in June just as the school year was ending. I’m a teacher, and my sister is a teacher, and we could not attend because it was the end of the school year."
"The bride’s sister has children, and she cannot attend because of the end of the school year. My cousins didn’t care; she was annoyed that we weren’t there, but as she told my uncle, this is my wedding, and I will do what I want."
"I could tell you I think I’ve spoken to her twice since then." - ncjr591
"A sibling shouldn’t feel obligated to go because of cost and time off from work/life, whatever. If her sister really wanted her there, she could have offered to help with cost, as that’s the biggest reason."
"My best friend's child is having a destination wedding and is child-free. Their only sibling is married and has a toddler and a newborn. They told sister and my best friend that they wouldn’t be able to afford it (their children were explicitly invited)."
"The cost of four flying internationally and then the cost per person per night at the all-inclusive was more than they could afford. My friend was figuring out if she could help pay. Child’s partner stepped up and is paying for their per-person room rate, and friend is paying for the airfare."
"If you choose a destination, you have to be ready for anyone you invite to decline." - WhichWitch9402
"You’re just as married here, there, or anywhere. Stop imposing on people. Have your honeymoon in the cool spot. NOR." - Consistent-Fix-8443
"I never had a wedding or wanted to be a bride as a little girl, even though I’ve been in a happy relationship for years. So I never understood the demand that people must attend their wedding or be shamed or bullied if they don’t. Maybe someone can explain it to me." - Malibucat48
"So people didn't come was the entire point of my destination wedding. We had too many cooks in the kitchen, and everyone had an opinion on where it should be, what for should be served, etc., etc., but we were playing for it."
"We actually had some frank members tell us if they want an open bar, they weren't coming. So we decided to get married somewhere no one would want to go to our could afford, and it was perfect just us and the officiant." - badpuppeh76
Others cautioned that this might cause problems with the family, just in case that mattered to the OP.
"I don't know that a sibling falls neatly into the category of not attending destination weddings just because it's a destination wedding. It’s less open and shut than it would be if this were a friend or extended family."
"Not saying OP should go, just that there’s going to be fallout if they don’t." - Adventurous_Ad_6546
"It really depends. I have family who planned a destination wedding knowing the mother of the bride was in the middle of a citizenship issue that made her completely unable to obtain a passport, and that the bride's only sibling couldn't attend."
"Maybe that was an outlier though, not sure." - babyelephantwalk321
"You’re not necessarily an AH, but you are telling your family something, and they will listen." - One-Passion5107
"'I just don’t want to make the trek and sit in an economy seat to show face at this wedding.'"
"Something tells me the excuses of time-off and travel time are not the reason they’re declining the invitation." - Consistent_Rent_3507
"NAH. This is the trade-off of having a destination wedding. She and your family are allowed to be disappointed that you won’t be there; you’re allowed to not spend thousands of dollars to go to a party." - Megpyre
"NOR, but. Like, isn't it at least a cool vacation spot you could enjoy for a couple of days? It sounds like you could use a vacation."
"Plus, why are you just there to 'show face'? Won't you enjoy seeing your sister get married?" - Available_Writer4144
"NOR, but if OP cares so little about seeing their sibling get married (which is their prerogative!), then they realistically don’t or shouldn’t care about what a few relatives say about it, knowwhatimean?" - shyfidelity
"If you are not super close, don’t go and don’t guilt yourself… even if some family have feelings about it now, they will get over them. Just don’t give the reasons you posted."
"I would just say, 'I can’t make it because of work,' and leave it at that. No more is needed." - Relevant_Dentist7694
"I lost my best friend over it. We were 20 years old, and I wasn't financially ready enough at that age to drop a couple thousand dollars and take time off of my minimum wage job. I was a poor college kid at the time." - CityNo5770
"NAH. Family is complicated. That’s a long flight and a lot of logistics to plan for, especially for someone you rarely see in the first place."
"Your sister knows that it can be a lot to show up for an international wedding, but I’d let her know softly and maybe splurge a bit on a gift for 'old times sake,' or see if you can do something for her, like a recorded speech/ handwritten letter."
"She will still be hurt, and that’s okay even if you didn’t do it intentionally."
"You’ll get pushback from family, but many people can’t do a 14-hour flight even if you were close (medical, financial, other personal details). They can have an opinion, but maintain consistency in yours." - Illustrious-Spite536
The subreddit understood that destination weddings are complicated to plan and expensive to attend, even for an immediate family member, so they could understand the OP not necessarily wanting to go.
Even if the family didn't want to understand, they had to admit that destination weddings automatically exclude some attendees who might like to go but cannot because of budgets and other commitments. Even if they wanted to guilt the OP, they might have to admit that the OP was one of the people the destination wedding omitted.
