Children do fly as unaccompanied minors all the time. But it's usually not to go meet up with an online friend they or their family have never met in person.
Is that something a parent would ever even entertain allowing?
A parent questioning their refusal to consider it turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ObjectiveMarsupial41 asked:
"AITA for not letting my 16-year-old daughter fly across the country alone to meet an online friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"HEEEEELP. I know teenagers are naturally rebellious, but this is making my hair go grey."
My daughter (16, female, we'll call her Sierra) is on the spectrum and has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). She's been angry at the world since she was born. She didn't cry as a baby; she just SCREAMED. There was no medical reason, just anger."
"And not much has changed since then. I (41, female) do have 3 other children, so I do have a baseline. Her last meltdown was a week ago when we took her phone away for one day... she wailed for 4 hours straight."
"Yes, she is in therapy and has tried a plethora of different medications. She also has worked with social workers, special education teachers, autism specialists, psychiatrists, even a work-readiness program. Her stepdad (45, male) and I are doing everything we can to help her navigate a difficult journey."
"Like many autistic kids, Sierra has always struggled with social relationships. So she's turned to online friendships (at the encouragement of her therapist)."
"Her 'best' friend (we'll call her Amy) is 12 (which is about the social developmental level my daughter is at), and lives 1500 miles away. They FaceTime CONSTANTLY (there really isn't a chat history for us to check in on, so we just try to supervise as best we can without being intrusive)."
"Amy wanted to come visit last summer, and had told Sierra that she'd gotten her mother to agree to fly out with her. Obviously that fell through. We think it was just a fabrication."
"This brings us to yesterday, when Sierra found out that her favorite singer (Mico?) is going on tour. Amy convinced her mom to buy VIP tickets to the concert where they live and even offered to buy Sierra a plane ticket to fly out there. ALONE."
"Her stepdad and I both told her we weren't comfortable with the situation, and we've gotten PAGES of angry messages from her, and she won't even speak to us in person."
"It's just that we have never met them in person. Occasionally 'Hi how are you' while the girls are FaceTiming, but not much aside from that."
"Sierra usually is very open with us about who she is talking to, their ages, and where they are located. And she knows never to share personal information."
"She's nearly 17, so it's hard to gauge what is an appropriate level of supervision (because at times she presents to the world like a neurotypical person). Every decision I make feels wrong."
"We got the mom's phone number and are going to contact her today. If she's the one encouraging this, we think she's the a**hole here. Right?"
"But am I being overly cautious? Am I preventing her from having a good social experience that she can learn from? It hurts to be hated so much by a human that you're just trying to help and keep safe."
"I'm so tired. Do I just ride out the storm and accept that when she turns 18 she will probably never speak to me again?"
"I wish I could understand her better, because it feels like we are talking past each other at times. She has worked with social services (our county even has an autism specialist! We are very lucky!) and her special ed teacher takes her for an hour a day at school for 'social skill building,' plus she's working on 'transition services' for next steps after graduation (she's finishing up her junior year)."
"We are trying/have tried every single service that is available to us, but it just feels hopeless at times. Some days are better than others."
"It is very hard on the siblings, and that is the hardest part to see."
"I want so badly for her to be a happy, independent young woman, but it feels like I'm doing everything wrong and failing her every step of the way. She just seems miserable, and it breaks my heart."
"No, we cannot afford to go with her. Even one of us purchasing a plane ticket and VIP ticket to be with her at the concert would be well over $1000 plus hotel (I wouldn't want to stay at a stranger's house)."
"Also, her stepdad took her to see this same singer back in October, about 2 hours from where we live. She does have a senior trip next spring (which we just put a lot of money toward) where she can get a taste of travel without us."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Because turning down a free plane and concert ticket is a big deal for a teenager, and this is her only friend and could damage their friendship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for not wanting your 16-year-old to fly independently to spend time with a person who is effectively a stranger."
"My cousin has ODD so I get it, but to be honest, if your kid is communicating with people who are basically strangers, then you should have a more direct conversation with their parents, especially when there is a large age gap."
"It's actually more surprising to me that the 12-year-old's parents haven't requested to speak with you or your partner." ~ coastalkid92
"Besides what everyone else has said, you need to make sure that this entire family is really who they say they are. I find it a bit odd that the parents of a 12-year-old are encouraging a friendship with a 16-year-old and are encouraging the 16-year-old to fly to visit them alone. That just raises red flags for me." ~ LdiJ46
"NTA. She's a minor with behavioral issues. She should absolutely not be traveling that far unsupervised." ~ WholeAd2742
"Even a perfectly behaved, well-adjusted minor shouldn't be flying across the country, unsupervised, to meet a complete stranger. NTA." ~ skinnyjeansfatpants
The OP provided an update:
"I did speak to Sierra, Amy, and Amy’s mom. But I’ll get to that."
"First, holy guacamole Batman. Thank you for all of the advice and support. Especially those of you who gave perspective as people on the spectrum to help me better understand Sierra."
"For those of you who were not supportive, claiming I don’t love my daughter or that ODD is a 'BS' diagnosis, please take several seats. For years before her diagnosis, I had teachers, family, and friends tell me 'you just aren’t disciplining her well enough,' but never offering help."
"Her brain is simply wired differently (ODD isn’t about being spoiled, she literally gets a dopamine hit from the word 'no'). Getting her diagnosed was also SO hard because she didn’t have a speech delay."
"I love her with all of my heart, but being told you’re doing everything wrong for years is not an easy path. I’m so sorry that my frustrations came out harshly, but know that she is cherished and I am doing everything within my power to help her live a happy, successful, and independent life."
For everyone who helped me understand the screaming as a baby, that was a MONUMENTAL wake up for me and truly helped me reframe the way I view her experience. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I’m truly sorry for the way I said it."
"For everyone who told me to look into services for myself, thank you. I will do that ASAP."
"On to the update."
"As many of you suggested, I showed Sierra this post. She was thrilled to 'go viral,' until she saw everyone’s responses. Having an outside perspective really shocked her."
"She didn’t take it well and started more page-long angry texts, so I went into her room to talk face to face. She didn’t want to talk at all… just silence. Then my husband stopped by her bedroom door."
"And farted. Loudly."
"And Sierra finally smiled. Good lord, am I a lucky woman. That cracked her walls enough that we were able to have a good talk. Sierra opened up and informed me that she took the most offense to my wording about her meltdown due to taking away her phone."
"She told me it wasn’t about the phone, it was that she no longer had anything to distract her from all of the hard things she’s dealing with socially. She admitted she should have processed these emotions earlier, but the phone was 'numbing' for her. Taking it away was like releasing an avalanche."
"That was majorly eye-opening. Just goes to show you how dangerous these devices are for teens-especially neurodiverse ones."
"Our convo ended with Amy calling. I briefly said hi to her on FaceTime (yes, I saw her face)."
"Then my husband and I called Amy’s mom. It went well. She apologized for overstepping, and we discussed boundaries for the future. Turns out Amy lied about her age (claiming she was 15) when she and Sierra began talking, but by the time her mom found out and made her confess, they were already very close."
"It also turns out Sierra has been playing the sympathy card with them (even things like trying to get them to send her DoorDash because we don’t 'have any food'—I am Italian. There is always food). We plan to stay in touch and help the girls communicate in a healthy way with a lot more parent involvement."
"Thank you to everyone. To all the Spectrum kiddos and Autism Mommas out there, remember you’re not alone."
OP appears to have a solid plan moving forward.
