Children do fly as unaccompanied minors all the time. But it's usually not to go meet up with an online friend they or their family have never met in person.
Is that something a parent would ever even entertain allowing?
A parent questioning their refusal to consider it turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ObjectiveMarsupial41 asked:
"AITA for not letting my 16-year-old daughter fly across the country alone to meet an online friend?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"HEEEEELP. I know teenagers are naturally rebellious, but this is making my hair go grey."
My daughter (16, female, we'll call her Sierra) is on the spectrum and has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). She's been angry at the world since she was born. She didn't cry as a baby; she just SCREAMED. There was no medical reason, just anger."
"And not much has changed since then. I (41, female) do have 3 other children, so I do have a baseline. Her last meltdown was a week ago when we took her phone away for one day... she wailed for 4 hours straight."
"Yes, she is in therapy and has tried a plethora of different medications. She also has worked with social workers, special education teachers, autism specialists, psychiatrists, even a work-readiness program. Her stepdad (45, male) and I are doing everything we can to help her navigate a difficult journey."
"Like many autistic kids, Sierra has always struggled with social relationships. So she's turned to online friendships (at the encouragement of her therapist)."
"Her 'best' friend (we'll call her Amy) is 12 (which is about the social developmental level my daughter is at), and lives 1500 miles away. They FaceTime CONSTANTLY (there really isn't a chat history for us to check in on, so we just try to supervise as best we can without being intrusive)."
"Amy wanted to come visit last summer, and had told Sierra that she'd gotten her mother to agree to fly out with her. Obviously that fell through. We think it was just a fabrication."
"This brings us to yesterday, when Sierra found out that her favorite singer (Mico?) is going on tour. Amy convinced her mom to buy VIP tickets to the concert where they live and even offered to buy Sierra a plane ticket to fly out there. ALONE."
"Her stepdad and I both told her we weren't comfortable with the situation, and we've gotten PAGES of angry messages from her, and she won't even speak to us in person."
"It's just that we have never met them in person. Occasionally 'Hi how are you' while the girls are FaceTiming, but not much aside from that."
"Sierra usually is very open with us about who she is talking to, their ages, and where they are located. And she knows never to share personal information."
"She's nearly 17, so it's hard to gauge what is an appropriate level of supervision (because at times she presents to the world like a neurotypical person). Every decision I make feels wrong."
"We got the mom's phone number and are going to contact her today. If she's the one encouraging this, we think she's the a**hole here. Right?"
"But am I being overly cautious? Am I preventing her from having a good social experience that she can learn from? It hurts to be hated so much by a human that you're just trying to help and keep safe."
"I'm so tired. Do I just ride out the storm and accept that when she turns 18 she will probably never speak to me again?"
"I wish I could understand her better, because it feels like we are talking past each other at times. She has worked with social services (our county even has an autism specialist! We are very lucky!) and her special ed teacher takes her for an hour a day at school for 'social skill building,' plus she's working on 'transition services' for next steps after graduation (she's finishing up her junior year)."
"We are trying/have tried every single service that is available to us, but it just feels hopeless at times. Some days are better than others."
"It is very hard on the siblings, and that is the hardest part to see."
"I want so badly for her to be a happy, independent young woman, but it feels like I'm doing everything wrong and failing her every step of the way. She just seems miserable, and it breaks my heart."
"No, we cannot afford to go with her. Even one of us purchasing a plane ticket and VIP ticket to be with her at the concert would be well over $1000 plus hotel (I wouldn't want to stay at a stranger's house)."
"Also, her stepdad took her to see this same singer back in October, about 2 hours from where we live. She does have a senior trip next spring (which we just put a lot of money toward) where she can get a taste of travel without us."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"Because turning down a free plane and concert ticket is a big deal for a teenager, and this is her only friend and could damage their friendship."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA for not wanting your 16-year-old to fly independently to spend time with a person who is effectively a stranger."
"My cousin has ODD so I get it, but to be honest, if your kid is communicating with people who are basically strangers, then you should have a more direct conversation with their parents, especially when there is a large age gap."
"It's actually more surprising to me that the 12-year-old's parents haven't requested to speak with you or your partner." ~ coastalkid92
"Besides what everyone else has said, you need to make sure that this entire family is really who they say they are. I find it a bit odd that the parents of a 12-year-old are encouraging a friendship with a 16-year-old and are encouraging the 16-year-old to fly to visit them alone. That just raises red flags for me." ~ LdiJ46
"NTA. She's a minor with behavioral issues. She should absolutely not be traveling that far unsupervised." ~ WholeAd2742
"Even a perfectly behaved, well-adjusted minor shouldn't be flying across the country, unsupervised, to meet a complete stranger. NTA." ~ skinnyjeansfatpants
The OP provided an update:
"I did speak to Sierra, Amy, and Amy’s mom. But I’ll get to that."
"First, holy guacamole Batman. Thank you for all of the advice and support. Especially those of you who gave perspective as people on the spectrum to help me better understand Sierra."
"For those of you who were not supportive, claiming I don’t love my daughter or that ODD is a 'BS' diagnosis, please take several seats. For years before her diagnosis, I had teachers, family, and friends tell me 'you just aren’t disciplining her well enough,' but never offering help."
"Her brain is simply wired differently (ODD isn’t about being spoiled, she literally gets a dopamine hit from the word 'no'). Getting her diagnosed was also SO hard because she didn’t have a speech delay."
"I love her with all of my heart, but being told you’re doing everything wrong for years is not an easy path. I’m so sorry that my frustrations came out harshly, but know that she is cherished and I am doing everything within my power to help her live a happy, successful, and independent life."
For everyone who helped me understand the screaming as a baby, that was a MONUMENTAL wake up for me and truly helped me reframe the way I view her experience. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I’m truly sorry for the way I said it."
"For everyone who told me to look into services for myself, thank you. I will do that ASAP."
"On to the update."
"As many of you suggested, I showed Sierra this post. She was thrilled to 'go viral,' until she saw everyone’s responses. Having an outside perspective really shocked her."
"She didn’t take it well and started more page-long angry texts, so I went into her room to talk face to face. She didn’t want to talk at all… just silence. Then my husband stopped by her bedroom door."
"And farted. Loudly."
"And Sierra finally smiled. Good lord, am I a lucky woman. That cracked her walls enough that we were able to have a good talk. Sierra opened up and informed me that she took the most offense to my wording about her meltdown due to taking away her phone."
"She told me it wasn’t about the phone, it was that she no longer had anything to distract her from all of the hard things she’s dealing with socially. She admitted she should have processed these emotions earlier, but the phone was 'numbing' for her. Taking it away was like releasing an avalanche."
"That was majorly eye-opening. Just goes to show you how dangerous these devices are for teens-especially neurodiverse ones."
"Our convo ended with Amy calling. I briefly said hi to her on FaceTime (yes, I saw her face)."
"Then my husband and I called Amy’s mom. It went well. She apologized for overstepping, and we discussed boundaries for the future. Turns out Amy lied about her age (claiming she was 15) when she and Sierra began talking, but by the time her mom found out and made her confess, they were already very close."
"It also turns out Sierra has been playing the sympathy card with them (even things like trying to get them to send her DoorDash because we don’t 'have any food'—I am Italian. There is always food). We plan to stay in touch and help the girls communicate in a healthy way with a lot more parent involvement."
"Thank you to everyone. To all the Spectrum kiddos and Autism Mommas out there, remember you’re not alone."
OP appears to have a solid plan moving forward.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp