Disciplining kids and doling out consequences for a variety of circumstances is a major challenge facing parents.
On one extreme, a parent being too strict can make them seem borderline mentally abuse, while on the other, being too lenient can be categorized as lazy parenting.
A parent of an autistic teenager faced a dilemma when they made a decision that caused drama.
So they visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Imme_notu asked:
"AITA for telling my teenager that they can't have a birthday dinner today as they chose not school because of a rash?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My teenager turned 16 today. They are also autistic. This morning they came out complaining about a rash from shaving, stating that it hurt too much to have air blow on it or cloth against it & therefore they weren't going to school."
"I gave them a few hours & tried again. They still wouldn't go. Gave it a few more hours, same result. Now it's too late to go to school."
"So I told them to text their friends & tell them that the dinner party @ a midprice restaurant is off. Now they & their sibling (21) are calling me an a**hole."
The OP continued:
"I feel like if I let them have the dinner out tonight after they called out of school is rewarding a negative behavior."
"If they were diabetic & had to go to the ER because of a low blood sugar then were released I still wouldn't let them go out to a dinner. Not that they'd feel up to it then I imagine. So is this just me being a good parent or me being an a**hole?"
"Edit: I'm still going to give them their birthday card/gift tonight. I haven't decided if the makeup dinner would be here or @ the original restaurant on a later night."
"they used to chew the collars off of their school uniform shirts because they didn't like the feeling of the fabric against their neck. So when they showed me that they did indeed have a raised/red rash from shaving that was too painful for school, I agreed to let them stay home."
"using the shirt collar chewing as an example of understanding that they do have sensory issues. The rash is not on the neck. & also showing that by offering to let them stay home/offering medications throughout the day to show that I understand that the sensory issues can lessen with a little time as could have the rash."
"I gave them medicated creams/lotions for the rash. I checked in on them several times throughout the day to see if they were feeling better. If the rash is the reason that you are staying home from school @ 0830, 1100, & 1300 then it's also the reason that you aren't going out to dinner @ 1700."
"it is a known rule in our household that if one is 'too much' of something to go to school that day then one is not allowed to do 'fun' events the rest of that day."
"That expectation, as a consequence, was reiterated each time that they were checked on & asked about whether or not they wanted to go to school. To have to explicitly state that feels really weird."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"Too sick for school, too sick to play."
"That was my mother's rule when I was a child."
"I'm in my 40s now and still abide by it. If I'm too sick for work, chores, or obligations, then I'm not going out for dinner either." – cressidacole
"I think the crux is whether OP conveyed that to their child."
"If when OP 'tried again' a couple hours later, they had said 'Just a reminder, if you're not well enough to go to school then you're not well enough for a dinner out and we will have to reschedule.'"
"Then okay. But if this isn't the norm, and Op didn't make it clear, then of course their autistic child, who typically already have issues with last minute changes is going to see this as punitive and unfair..." – OrindaSarnia
"I agree with this. My kids are autistic, and they are allowed mental/physical health days. Those are days that they can take off school without questions being asked. But the rest of their routine/plans goes because changing that is a nightmare."
"Sick days are different but they haven't had one of those in years."
"Anyway, autistic people oftentimes ARE overwhelmed with these kinds of situations. Like if her son isn't used to shaving and he did and he was sensitive to it. For me, it would be a valid reason for the kid to stay home but wouldn't necessarily change routine or plans."
"And if I would, I would tell them beforehand. If you aren't feeling too well now, we CAN'T do XYZ later. Warning them beforehand is ALWAYS the way to go because they often do not understand their actions vs consequences, and if we don't teach them now, we will miss the boat on that."
"My kids know they are allowed these mental/physical days as needed; however, due to clear communication, they nearly never use them. My oldest (15) has only taken 2 days last year, middle kid (12) 1 day and youngest (7) 3 days. And they haven't taken any sick days at all (as in like having a cold, headache etc)."
"And if there is an activity planned on the day they decide to stay home, depending on the activity, we will either go or warn that we can't because they decide to stay home. Never had any issues whatsoever.. yeah they are kids, still communication is key." – holliance
"Not going to school because they have a rash from shaving? Accepting that at face value, there will be air blowing on it at the restaurant, and presumably, they would have to wear clothes at the restaurant, so there would also be cloth against it."
"Cancelling the dinner is in their best interests; they would face the same pain at the restaurant that they would have felt at school. NTA." – Waste_Worker6122
"NTA. Just be sure to reschedule the plans for another day. It's not a punishment, it's just saying 'you said today you couldn't leave the house so we aren't. We will when you feel well enough again.' " – Justbeenice_
"Yeah definitely NTA. As an autistic person myself, I think it's super important to know our limits, and in some ways, I think you're helping your kid with that here, too. I learned the hard way too many times about overextending myself for events I thought would be fun but I ended up being miserable at because I was too overstimulated during the day leading up to it."
"If they were not able to go to school because of it and it was that frustrating/overstimulating/bothersome, then those feelings (at least for me) wouldn't have gone away just because they were going to a restaurant instead of school. In my opinion it's always better to reschedule for when you are in a better headspace than to keep plans and not have fun/exhaust yourself." – smokeyshell
"Honestly, NTA - but you should probably try to tell your kids the consequences from the start so they have a chance to make a good decision. I hated surprise consequences. Growing up, my mom always made my birthday an event where if it fell on a school day, I would have a full day with just her to do my favorite things. I'd never expect my mom to pay for a bunch of my friends' dinner." – muslimmeow
"NTA- the kid said the rash causes too much pain to have air blow on it or clothes rub against it. Both things would happen at a dinner, so I guess no dinner. Oh, suddenly, it's not an issue anymore when it comes to going to dinner? That's too bad. You're simply following the kid's lead here, and, unfortunately, trying to avoid school bit them. Hopefully, they learn something from this." – ariesgal11
"NTA. This is natural consequences. Seems pretty obvious to me, unless school is held outdoors on the side of a mountain, that if it's too painful to go to school, it's too painful to go to a restaurant. Be kind and keep the poor sensitive soul at home." – OkeyDokey654
"NTA If you don't go to school you don't get any other privileges. That was always the rule at our house growing up."
"They may only turn 16 on this day, but they will be 16 all year and this dinner will still be special on the weekend when they will probably feel better." – Infinite_Article_908
Overall, Redditors thought the OP's decision to cancel the birthday dinner was warranted.
However, they agreed that warning a child with special needs about disruption from expected plans should always be mentioned well in advance.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp