Disciplining kids and doling out consequences for a variety of circumstances is a major challenge facing parents.
On one extreme, a parent being too strict can make them seem borderline mentally abuse, while on the other, being too lenient can be categorized as lazy parenting.
A parent of an autistic teenager faced a dilemma when they made a decision that caused drama.
So they visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor Imme_notu asked:
“AITA for telling my teenager that they can’t have a birthday dinner today as they chose not school because of a rash?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My teenager turned 16 today. They are also autistic. This morning they came out complaining about a rash from shaving, stating that it hurt too much to have air blow on it or cloth against it & therefore they weren’t going to school.”
“I gave them a few hours & tried again. They still wouldn’t go. Gave it a few more hours, same result. Now it’s too late to go to school.”
“So I told them to text their friends & tell them that the dinner party @ a midprice restaurant is off. Now they & their sibling (21) are calling me an a**hole.”
The OP continued:
“I feel like if I let them have the dinner out tonight after they called out of school is rewarding a negative behavior.”
“If they were diabetic & had to go to the ER because of a low blood sugar then were released I still wouldn’t let them go out to a dinner. Not that they’d feel up to it then I imagine. So is this just me being a good parent or me being an a**hole?”
“Edit: I’m still going to give them their birthday card/gift tonight. I haven’t decided if the makeup dinner would be here or @ the original restaurant on a later night.”
“they used to chew the collars off of their school uniform shirts because they didn’t like the feeling of the fabric against their neck. So when they showed me that they did indeed have a raised/red rash from shaving that was too painful for school, I agreed to let them stay home.”
“using the shirt collar chewing as an example of understanding that they do have sensory issues. The rash is not on the neck. & also showing that by offering to let them stay home/offering medications throughout the day to show that I understand that the sensory issues can lessen with a little time as could have the rash.”
“I gave them medicated creams/lotions for the rash. I checked in on them several times throughout the day to see if they were feeling better. If the rash is the reason that you are staying home from school @ 0830, 1100, & 1300 then it’s also the reason that you aren’t going out to dinner @ 1700.”
“it is a known rule in our household that if one is ‘too much’ of something to go to school that day then one is not allowed to do ‘fun’ events the rest of that day.”
“That expectation, as a consequence, was reiterated each time that they were checked on & asked about whether or not they wanted to go to school. To have to explicitly state that feels really weird.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Many Redditors sided with the OP as not the a**hole (NTA) here.
“Too sick for school, too sick to play.”
“That was my mother’s rule when I was a child.”
“I’m in my 40s now and still abide by it. If I’m too sick for work, chores, or obligations, then I’m not going out for dinner either.” – cressidacole
“I think the crux is whether OP conveyed that to their child.”
“If when OP ‘tried again’ a couple hours later, they had said ‘Just a reminder, if you’re not well enough to go to school then you’re not well enough for a dinner out and we will have to reschedule.'”
“Then okay. But if this isn’t the norm, and Op didn’t make it clear, then of course their autistic child, who typically already have issues with last minute changes is going to see this as punitive and unfair…” – OrindaSarnia
“I agree with this. My kids are autistic, and they are allowed mental/physical health days. Those are days that they can take off school without questions being asked. But the rest of their routine/plans goes because changing that is a nightmare.”
“Sick days are different but they haven’t had one of those in years.”
“Anyway, autistic people oftentimes ARE overwhelmed with these kinds of situations. Like if her son isn’t used to shaving and he did and he was sensitive to it. For me, it would be a valid reason for the kid to stay home but wouldn’t necessarily change routine or plans.”
“And if I would, I would tell them beforehand. If you aren’t feeling too well now, we CAN’T do XYZ later. Warning them beforehand is ALWAYS the way to go because they often do not understand their actions vs consequences, and if we don’t teach them now, we will miss the boat on that.”
“My kids know they are allowed these mental/physical days as needed; however, due to clear communication, they nearly never use them. My oldest (15) has only taken 2 days last year, middle kid (12) 1 day and youngest (7) 3 days. And they haven’t taken any sick days at all (as in like having a cold, headache etc).”
“And if there is an activity planned on the day they decide to stay home, depending on the activity, we will either go or warn that we can’t because they decide to stay home. Never had any issues whatsoever.. yeah they are kids, still communication is key.” – holliance
“Not going to school because they have a rash from shaving? Accepting that at face value, there will be air blowing on it at the restaurant, and presumably, they would have to wear clothes at the restaurant, so there would also be cloth against it.”
“Cancelling the dinner is in their best interests; they would face the same pain at the restaurant that they would have felt at school. NTA.” – Waste_Worker6122
“NTA. Just be sure to reschedule the plans for another day. It’s not a punishment, it’s just saying ‘you said today you couldn’t leave the house so we aren’t. We will when you feel well enough again.’ “ – Justbeenice_
“Yeah definitely NTA. As an autistic person myself, I think it’s super important to know our limits, and in some ways, I think you’re helping your kid with that here, too. I learned the hard way too many times about overextending myself for events I thought would be fun but I ended up being miserable at because I was too overstimulated during the day leading up to it.”
“If they were not able to go to school because of it and it was that frustrating/overstimulating/bothersome, then those feelings (at least for me) wouldn’t have gone away just because they were going to a restaurant instead of school. In my opinion it’s always better to reschedule for when you are in a better headspace than to keep plans and not have fun/exhaust yourself.” – smokeyshell
“Honestly, NTA – but you should probably try to tell your kids the consequences from the start so they have a chance to make a good decision. I hated surprise consequences. Growing up, my mom always made my birthday an event where if it fell on a school day, I would have a full day with just her to do my favorite things. I’d never expect my mom to pay for a bunch of my friends’ dinner.” – muslimmeow
“NTA- the kid said the rash causes too much pain to have air blow on it or clothes rub against it. Both things would happen at a dinner, so I guess no dinner. Oh, suddenly, it’s not an issue anymore when it comes to going to dinner? That’s too bad. You’re simply following the kid’s lead here, and, unfortunately, trying to avoid school bit them. Hopefully, they learn something from this.” – ariesgal11
“NTA. This is natural consequences. Seems pretty obvious to me, unless school is held outdoors on the side of a mountain, that if it’s too painful to go to school, it’s too painful to go to a restaurant. Be kind and keep the poor sensitive soul at home.” – OkeyDokey654
“NTA If you don’t go to school you don’t get any other privileges. That was always the rule at our house growing up.”
“They may only turn 16 on this day, but they will be 16 all year and this dinner will still be special on the weekend when they will probably feel better.” – Infinite_Article_908
Overall, Redditors thought the OP’s decision to cancel the birthday dinner was warranted.
However, they agreed that warning a child with special needs about disruption from expected plans should always be mentioned well in advance.