There's little more stressful than the moment someone introduces their partner to their parents.
Even if they might not see eye to eye on everything, all will be fine if they simply get along.
In happy cases, the new partner simply feels like the missing family member everyone was waiting for.
In other, somewhat sadder cases, the new partner might simply be incompatible, or worse, never accepted by their possible in-laws.
Redditor throwawaybob444 had a rocky relationship with their mother-in-law (MIL).
Eventually coming to the point where the original poster (OP) declared she was not welcome in their home.
Seeing how much this upset their girlfriend, the OP finally gave their MIL permission to visit.
On one condition, which the OP's MIL refused to oblige.
Wondering if they were being unreasonable, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not letting my MIL see our new house until she apologizes?"
The OP explained why their MIL became persona non grata in their home:
"This has been building for about 4 or 5 months, so sorry if I miss anything."
"For context, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 13 years, my MIL has always been very entitled."
"She’s the type to argue with retail workers until they cry over a discount she thinks she deserves."
"If an idea isn’t hers, she shuts it down."
"Her husband avoids conflict at all costs, so no one challenges her except my girlfriend’s sister, and those usually turn into huge fights."
"A few months ago, my girlfriend and I decided to buy our first home."
"We talked about it for months and brought it up multiple times with her parents."
"When we finally found a house we loved and decided to put in an offer, we called them to share the news."
"Instead of being supportive, we were met with immediate hostility."
"It started with the usual questions like 'Are you sure you’re ready?', which was fair."
"But after I explained the planning we had done, her mom brought up a car that was repossessed from me 8 years ago and said, 'I bet you thought buying that car was a good idea too'.”
"She then attacked my character and questioned how she could be okay with this since I 'don’t tell her about my life'.”
"I’m not her child, and I’m not even very close with my own family."
"I don’t think I owe my MIL every detail of my past, especially after comments like that."
"I’m not perfect, but my life is far more stable than it was 8 years ago."
"After that call, I asked for an apology."
"She refused."
"My girlfriend and her dad asked her multiple times over the next few weeks, and she still refused."
"Eventually she said she’d only apologize if we went to dinner."
"I asked if we could do it over the phone so I could leave if things got nasty."
"I declined the dinner at first."
"Later I agreed, and then she changed her mind and said it had been too long."
"During all this, my girlfriend and I fought a lot."
"She’s very close with her parents and usually sees them every weekend."
"From my side, that felt hurtful, but I didn’t want to tell her to stop seeing her family."
"By this point, we had moved into our house."
"I told my girlfriend her mom wasn’t welcome in our home until she apologized."
"She didn’t like it, but agreed."
"Last week, her mom got some bad medical news."
"Now my girlfriend says it’s unfair that I won’t let her mom see the house since she’s sick and might never get the chance."
"From my perspective, all of this goes away if she simply apologizes."
"I feel I am the only one being asked to bridge the gap and make concessions."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to let their MIL visit unless she apologized:
Just about everyone agreed that the OP's MIL needed to own up to her juvenile behavior, with many questioning just how legitimate this conveniently timed "illness" was.
"Absolutely NTA."
"It’s absurd that a grown woman is behaving this way and you are well within your rights to refuse to allow her to come to your house without an apology."
"Her being 'sick' doesn’t change anything."- StrengthKey5912
"NTA, but as another said, she won't mean it so what's the point."
"What worked with my parents, both of whom were toxic in different ways, was to state the boundaries up front every meeting."
"With my dad, he was given a list of words he couldn't use while I was there."
"I always drove myself to where we were meeting, I gave him my list, and if he slipped in one of The Words, I got up and left."
"Didn't matter if we were in the middle of dinner, I left."
"After a couple a times pushing it, he backed down and respected my boundaries."
"With mom, she was constantly asking for advice, she would half-ass the suggestions and blame me when it didn't work."
"So I told her I wasn't doing that any more and had a mantra."
"When she would try to get me to advise her, Mom, I think you should do what you think is best for you."
"A friend counted. I said it 21 times in a 35 minute phone call."
"This might work for you."
"Find a mantra."
"One that doesn't give MIL ammunition, and keeps turning it back on her."
"Don't give information she doesn't need."
"Grey rock and mantra her into compliance."- RepublicTop1690
"NTA."
"All her mother has to do is apologize for being a nasty, meddling harridan and she can't be bothered to do so, or won't because she can't control the circumstances."- luckygingercat
"NTA."
"But you know that this is what you are signing up for right?"
"This is her mother she is very close to, this is the extend she is willing to stand up for you and enforce boundaries, this is what she is willing to fight you over not once but multiple times."
"It doesn't seem like a one off incident, but a pattern."
"If you are okay with being less important and respected than her mother, that is the choice you make."- Desperate_Net3878
"NTA."
"This is a boundary issue: MIL attacked your character."
"If you let this go, she will always come back to character attacks."
"This has the potential to erode your relationship with her daughter; it’s already causing friction in your relationship."
"You need to have a serious heart to heart with your girlfriend."
"If the two of you are not united in this front, your relationship will not survive."
"Both sides with harbor resentment - you will resent that she didn’t stand by you and she will blame you for her mother’s angst."
"Once you are on the same page, figure out together how to move forward."
"If you can’t stand together on this issue, you might want to look into counseling."- StarsOfMine
"Someone said this in another post and this will stick with me forever."
"If they keep asking you to concede, say:"
"So you're asking me to be a flatter doormat?"
"This is my new favorite thing because it encompasses the ask so perfectly."
"You are not a doormat."
"You are not there to continue enabling her behavior."
"If she goes without even trying to make amends for the kind of person she is, that is on her to be accountable for."
"This is your home, too, and you have a right to not allow someone who uses your past against you to minimize all you've accomplished."
"NTA."- DotDotDot_meh
"Apologies are worthless."
"They are gateways for repeat offenses."
"MIL meant what she said and her apology will mean absolutely nothing because she is who she is."
"NTA!"
"Your home is your sanctuary."
"You shouldn’t leave to allow her to visit."
"You shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable IN YOUR OWN HOME."
"If your girlfriend doesn’t share the same sentiment, get a new one because if the roles were reversed I am 100% certain she would ban your mother from HER HOUSE."
"And so what if she’s dying, everyone is dying and it doesn’t give anyone the right to be an a**hat."- neogoddess
"NTA."
"It's about time someone is holding her accountable."
"Tell your gf she can get on her mother and tell her she needs to do right by you."
"Otherwise keep things the way they are since it sounds like she haven't had consequences before in her life."
"It's not like you're preventing your gf for seeing her parents, she can go over to them."- Axiom713
Some people simply refuse to admit they're wrong, or they behaved in an inappropriate manner.
The OP's MIL is clearly one of these people, evidenced by the fact that she won't say the two simple words "I'm Sorry" to the OP.
One hopes she wouldn't stoop so low as to fake a serious illness just to get her way.
