It's a bittersweet moment for parents when their children fly the coop and start living on their own.
A moment some parents have to wait for a bit longer than others, as some children don't fly the coop until they're much older, if ever.
Of course, a moment people don't always prepare for is when their parents find themselves moving in with them.
Such was the case for Redditor Successful-Common808, whose father recently moved in with them and their husband.
It wasn't an easy transition for anyone, with the original poster (OP) finding themself with numerous unexpected tasks thrown at them by their father.
While the OP did their best to put on a happy face, they were unable to hide their frustrations following a recent remark made by their father.
Concerned they might have overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for confronting my dad after a passive-aggressive comment when he’s been living with me and my husband rent-free?"
The OP explained why they had trouble staying silent following some recent remarks by their father:
"My dad has been living with me and my husband for about 7 months now."
"He does have a job, but he’s staying with us rent-free and doesn’t really help with bills."
"He cooks sometimes, but doesn’t help much with chores otherwise."
"Another important detail is that he can’t read or write, so a lot of things like paperwork, appointments, and anything official he depends on me for."
"I don’t mind helping, but he gets irritated if I can’t help him immediately when he asks."
"Yesterday something small happened that turned into something bigger."
"My husband works evenings and woke up around 3pm to cook food to take with him for his shift. He made extra and left some in the pot for my dad because he thought my dad was still home."
"I told him my dad had already left for work early (he sometimes leaves hours before his shift starts even though he doesn’t have to)."
"So my husband packed another bowl separately for him."
"My dad actually came back home because he forgot something, saw the food situation, and made a comment like 'that’s how you guys do things,' in a passive-aggressive tone."
"I asked what he meant but he didn’t answer and just left."
"This morning I brought it up because the comment made both me and my husband uncomfortable."
"He said he’s noticed that we cook and don’t leave him food sometimes, which honestly isn’t true."
"We regularly make sure there’s food for him."
"What’s also frustrating is that whenever he feels inconvenienced, he calls my sisters and complains about my husband instead of talking to me directly."
"I tried venting to my sisters about how hard this situation has been on me and my household, but they mostly stayed quiet or made excuses for him like telling me I should just take time off work to help him more."
"At this point I feel like I’m doing my best to make him comfortable while also trying to protect my marriage and household peace, but I’m starting to feel unsupported and taken for granted."
"AITA for bringing up his comment and setting boundaries about how things are handled in my home?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community mostly agreed that the OP was not the a**Hole for confronting their father.
Almost everyone agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for confronting their father, as he was clearly taking advantage of the OP's time and hospitality:
"NTA."
"Tell your sisters they can invite him to stay with them."
"Problem solved."- Dangerous_End9472
"Sooooo NTA."
"He's not PAYING for the food."
"He's not paying for sh*t, apparently."
"You're letting this dude take advantage of you."
"That's why he felt so free to say something so disrespectful and entitled."- Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA."
"Your Dad is being very entitled."
"He is not owed anything from you guys, especially when you allow him to live there without contributing to expenses when he is able bodied and working."
"And I'm sure it's easy for your sisters to judge you, but they aren't the ones that took your dad in and do all these things for him."
"If they think you are being too hard on him, maybe they should move him in with them instead."- Stranger0nReddit
"NTA."
"A favor has turned into bare minimum."
"Time for sisters to take a turn."
"Then they can speak on it."- Jazzlike_Database475
"NTA."
"Your dad sounds entitled and your sisters sound like they don't want to deal with him."
"It's been 7 months op, I think it's him he stayed with one of them for a bit."- Distinct-Practice131
"NTA."
"Do yourself and your husband a favor."
"Sit dear ol’ dad down and tell him his nasty attitude, plus his whining, plus the fact that he’s living there basically for free, have all reached a point where it’s no longer convenient or healthy for you to host him."
"Give him 30 days to make other arrangements, and DO NOT BUDGE."
"Your sisters have enough time to criticize your handling of the situation?"
"Fine."
"Tell dad to choose which one of them he’s going to be living with and let them know his move-in date."
"They can criticize after they’ve had their turn in the barrel."
"If your dad is illiterate, that’s a him problem."
"There are all kinds of resources available to help adults with this (that is, assuming you’re in the U.S.)."
"He can take on his own paperwork."- CrazyOldBag
"NTA, and it sounds like your sisters have volunteered to house Dad!"- East-Relative2011
"NTA."
"But it is time to kick him out."
"Your husband doesn’t deserve to be treated like that in his home."- Gringa-Loca26
"NTA."
"Nope bye dad."- Firecrackershrimp2
"If your siblings are in town - sounds like it's time for a family meeting - you, your husband and your siblings/spouses."
"Explain everything that is going on, that it might seem like small stuff in the moment, but you are trying to get ahead of it."
"Maybe it's time for a break, maybe one of them need to take him in for a while, I'd definitely ask them to explain the justification of you missing work is the answer, when you need your job to help support him?"
"Are they going to chip in for the lost income?"
"They need to step up and help vs. telling you to take off work."
"Take turns, split up responsibilities - If he can't go live with any of them, what about inviting him over for a weekend?"
"You need to be a team - not the only one responsible."
"Basically, while we don't know the how he ended up living with you, or what his overall needs of assistance are - if he is difficult now, it only gets harder as a person ages."
"You and siblings need to be on the same page now, before it gets even more difficult and they get too comfortable not sharing responsibilities."
"NTA."- CornerSevere
"NTA."
"It’s your home and your dad not only overlooked the consideration your husband had for him, but had to make it an awkward situation with his comment."
"He’s old enough to know better."- New-Calligrapher7979
"NTA."
"You got put into the 'responsible one' role by dad."
"That's the one who takes care of him."
"Since he expects you to take care of him, he's acting entitled."
"Sisters are working to keep you in that role since it benefits them."
"Regardless of whatever sunshine dad and sisters are blowing up your butt, here's the truth."
"He's a grown man with a job."
"He can take care of himself."
"You do not have to accept disrespect from a freeloader in your own home."
"Your first obligation now is not to dad or sisters, your first obligation is to your marriage."
"If dad is interfering with that, it is time for dad to go and be an adult."- WhereWeretheAdults
There were a few, however, who felt that the OP was the a**hole, not for the way they treated their father, but rather for putting their husband in this situation:
"You're being unfair to your husband."
"You need to set clear boundaries with your father- he has to treat both of you with respect and participate in house finances and chores."
"Or he can go elsewhere."
"Protect your marriage."
"YTA to your husband, not your father."- FirebirdWriting
"YTA."
"To your husband. It is time for a new arrangement that doesn't involve him being treated poorly by your relatives in his own home."-HelenGonne
It sadly seems like the OP's father is not self-sufficient, and thus requires more round-the-clock help, which the OP seemed to volunteer to provide.
One would think he would show even the tiniest amount of appreciation for their doing so.
The OP might want to consider the suggestion by the majority of the Reddit community, that next time their sisters defend him, they suggest he move in with one of them...
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.