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Mom Stunned After Her Dad Berates Her Daughter For Getting More Expensive Meal Than Him

An older man standing against a pink background shows the camera an empty wallet.
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Money makes the world go around.

Some people are really great at holding onto money or making more money.

Some people are a little loose with spending.

These two types of people often clash… but usually not over breakfast.

Redditor Resistiane wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.

She asked:

“AITA because I think my daughter should get what she wants for breakfast?”

The Original Poster (OP) explained:

“My (F[emale] 44) Dad (68) has always been frugal.”

“His frugality has served him well, he has a beautiful home, savings, he’s been retired for over 10 years, multiple rental properties, etc.”

“Recently, my daughter (15) and I drove up from Phoenix to visit him over the weekend.”

“Typically my Dad cooks breakfast every morning, on this particular morning, he didn’t feel like it and told us we were going out to breakfast.”

“This is a little unusual since he does not like to eat out due to the expense.”

“He took us to a local diner-type place, and we all ordered.”

“My daughter ordered the chicken fried steak.”

“I heard my Dad mumble something like ‘the things you order.'”

“I thought he was just referring maybe to the portion size since my daughter is so small, but it didn’t seem like a big deal at the moment.”

“We all ate, my daughter ate all of her food, and we both said thank you before and after our meal and were very appreciative.”

“Later on that day, while I was cleaning out his refrigerator, my Dad said, ‘I can’t stand it anymore!’ gets out of his recliner and comes into the kitchen with us.”

“He then goes into how our lack of manners needs addressing.”

“He has this ‘rule of etiquette’ that says that if someone invites you to a meal out, you should never order anything more expensive than the person that’s paying.”

“I think it’s rude to put that responsibility on a guest.”

“Of course moderation in all things, for instance, I think it’s rude if I take someone out to dinner and they order a bunch of drinks for themselves or an outrageously priced meal but, this was chicken fried steak at a diner, not a magnum of champagne.”

“I was surprised when he brought it up.”

“My daughter had told me that he’d mentioned it to her while visiting him at his winter place a few years ago, and I told her to let me know if it happened again, and I’d talk to him about it.”

“I got extremely uncomfortable with the conversation because I don’t want to be disrespectful to anyone in their own home.”

“I was trying to be as careful as I could be while still defending my daughter.”

“I reminded him that if he had a reprimand for her, let me know, and I’ll handle it.”

“However, we will respect his rule when we are with him, and then we apologize for any disrespect he felt as that was definitely not our intention.”

“However, no, that’s not etiquette that we (my ex-husband and I) will impart to our daughter.”

“He seemed pretty miffed about it, saying that it’s a normal etiquette rule and that we would feel the same way if it happened to us.”

“We would absolutely NOT feel put out if a guest ordered chicken fried steak, lol.”

“And for context, my daughter is a fantastic person.”

“She’s kind and respectful. She still goes and visits her grandparents.”

“She’s patient with his stories and helps him. They cook together, and they do all kinds of nice things.”

“She’s a delight and does not need to be taught a lesson.”

“I’m going back to my Dad’s house this weekend.”

The OP was left to wonder:

“If it comes up again… am I the a**hole here?”

Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:

  • NTA – Not The A**hole
  • YTA – You’re The A**hole
  • NAH – No A**holes Here
  • ESH – Everyone Sucks Here

Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.

“NTA. Unless you order steak and lobster or something ridiculous like that, being a few bucks more than the payer is fine.”

“I would not go out to eat anymore with him, or I would just pay for myself from now on.” ~ Fit_Squirrel_4604

“The man has enough money for, and I quote, a winter place.”

“This tells me this man owns at least two properties and is being pissy because his granddaughter’s food costs more than his?”

“NTA and not about the money.” ~ itsmistyy

“As he’s the grandfather and not an almost stranger, this makes me sad.”

“The order is nothing extravagant, and his granddaughter ate her whole meal.”

“He said nothing about a limit, it’s well known that teens eat more, as a teen granddaughter I would have no clue I did ‘wrong’ (even as the mum).” ~ zflora

“NTA and your daughter sounds like a sweetheart (the way you describe her, she sounds like my daughter who was my mother’s favorite when the grandkids hit their teens because she always sent cards, called her regularly, and visited).”

“Suggest you maybe start a new tradition when the two of you visit.”

“Take the family out to breakfast on your dime.”

“You let them order first, and then YOU get the most expensive meal of the three of you.”

“That way, your daughter can have chicken fried steak, and you are following your dad’s silly rules of etiquette since their meals will always be less than yours.” ~ ExplanationNo8707I

“It’s 100% about control and only control.”

“Go find an etiquette book (or 10), you’ll never find his carved-in-stone ‘principle.'”

“I guarantee the general rule would be to stick with the average-priced items on the menu and stay away from anything on the expensive end.”

“No one will ever decree that a guest should ask how much they can spend, even if it’s disguised as asking what the host is ordering.”

“Your father is a bit of an AH, sorry.” ~ uTop-Artichoke5020

“Honestly, I would write into the Emily post podcast which is called Awesome Etiquette.”

“They love to answer questions just like this.”

“Also, your dad is wrong. NTA.”

“And how much can a chicken fried steak for breakfast cost?”

“It’s not like she ordered lobster and caviar.” ~ Lila-1212

“Frankly, I would tell your father that if he cannot afford the extra $5 or so then you will pay for the meals out. If he has cost restrictions for his ‘treat,’ then it’s not a treat or should be made known beforehand.”

“He should know what assume means, i.e. makes an a** out of me.” ~ ProudIncrease7019

“Exactly. The daughter did not order drinks or appetizers or desserts.”

“Nor did she order a 50-dollar steak.”

“Being within 10 dollars of someone else’s order is 100 percent fine!!!”

“That is still in range in my opinion.”

“And if he has a cap, he needs to just clearly communicate that ‘Hey, can we all just stick to a 15 dollar max per meal, thanks.'” ~ Limp-Paint-7244

“I’m a petty queen, so I would loudly offer to pay the difference.”

“If he’s got an issue about cost, then eating out is not an option.”

“Oh and NTA.” ~ MaraJade0603

“NTA.”

“‘You should never order anything more expensive than the person that’s paying.'”

“If your father is such a stickler for manners, I’d wager that when ordering he defers to let women at the table order first (or at least as the seating arrangement allows, but still letting a woman at the table order first).”

“In which case how would they know what the supposed price limit should be?”

“It’s true that common etiquette would be that you don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu when being treated, but this is a diner, not a fancy steakhouse.”

“I can’t imagine the price spread is that great between a chicken fried steak vs an omelet.” ~ Unable-Category-7978

“If someone else is paying I always try to not go overboard but with that said a chicken fried steak at a diner is a standard meal.”

“And I wouldn’t necessarily expect a 15-year-old to even think about it as it’s her grandfather taking her out.”

“Very strange.” ~ No_Cellist8937

“Your dad has a weird sense of etiquette.”

“What she ordered is perfectly fine.”

“It’s not like she ordered the most expensive items on the menu!”

“What I want to know is, he has been your father for over 40 years and is JUST NOW saying what he feels is ‘proper etiquette???’ NTA.” ~ notentirely_fearless

“If cost is an issue for Gramps, he could’ve said she could order whatever but keep the total under X.”

“I mean, that’s how we did it as kids.”

“‘How much can we spend, Mom?’ and then we’d get creative: multiple apps, a meal, a dessert and a beverage, etc. NTA.” ~ TrueLoveEditorial

“The problem isn’t about etiquette, it’s about control and your father’s belief that he can still control your behavior and your child’s behavior.”

“Do you honestly believe he would have behaved the same way if your husband had been present?”

“Also, per etiquette rules, it is rude to make your guests feel uncomfortable, and his behavior and subsequent chastisement are purposefully aimed at making you uncomfortable.”

“Obviously, you and your daughter can control your ordering, but it enrages me that a growing teenager would have to moderate her hunger based on what a retired old man feels like eating.” ~ Little_Loki918

“Your dad is the AH for being so cheap over a reasonable meal that wasn’t wasted.”

“Does he plan to take his wealth with him when he dies in about 15 years?”

“I’d limit my visits (definitely stay at a hotel to save him $3 in the extra water you used for a weekend) and insist on paying for my and my child’s meals since he insists on freaking out over an extra $5 or so for a meal. NTA.” ~ Confident-Broccoli42

“Ugh, my father was like this.”

“If we ordered something that cost more than his meal, then we would be treated to a whole lot of passive-aggressive, nasty comments and attitudes for days.”

“Even though I’m the youngest and being young, it took me a while to understand what was going on, I learned to wait for him to order and then order something myself.”

“When I got to be in my teens I got exhausted from accommodating him on all his controlling foibles, and he would ask me what I wanted, and I would say, well I’m going to wait until your order and then I can decide what I’m allowed to order that’s cheaper than that so thank you very much, you go first.”

“And I’d say that in front of the server and he would get really angry, but I didn’t really care at that point.”

“I didn’t want to see him after I reached age 18 and pretty much did not see him again until he passed away.” ~ Pink_leopard7

“I’ve never heard of that rule.”

“If your dad is going to quibble at a $5 difference in his and your daughter’s meal then perhaps he shouldn’t be offering to take anyone out for lunch.”

“He sounds unpleasant.” ~ AsparagusOverall8454

“Honestly, knowing your father is this cheap, if you eat out with him, either pick up the check or order within his range – and yes, the recommendation for guests is to not exceed what the host orders.”

“So he’s not way off base there and that’s probably something you want to start teaching your kid because it can make you look bad in social and business situations to depart from that- or say you don’t want to go.”

“You aren’t going to convince him to care less about frugality. NTA.” ~ SnooPets8873

“NTA. I’ve never heard the rule about not ordering something more expensive than your host, just to not order something wildly extravagant.”

“At a diner, I can’t imagine anything on the menu would be fancy or disproportionately expensive.”

“As OP says in another comment, the chicken-fried steak is not steak, but more like a hamburger patty, which I think most people would agree is a reasonable food to order that won’t break the bank.”

“Nickel-and-diming to stay under his total sounds ridiculous.”

“Are they supposed to wait until he orders and then look through the menu really fast to see what still counts as acceptable?”

“Since OP says her dad is very frugal, I’m curious what he ordered, but I’m guessing it’s the cheapest thing on the menu.”

“So they’d be limited to getting the same thing as him in order to stick to his “order something as cheap as dad’s” rule.

“OP says that her dad would feel slighted if she paid, but it sounds like he’s gonna be slighted either way, so next time OP should just pay separately for herself and her daughter.”

“Then they can eat what they want with no guilt, and if he still kicks up a fuss, that’s on him.” ~ Impressive-Reindeer1

“NTA. That rule makes sense when being treated to a nice dinner at a fancy sit-down where entrees could vary from the teens to dozens of dollars in cost.”

“Breakfast at a diner?”

“Unless Gramps only ordered a coffee and toast, I’d be very surprised if the difference between his meal and the kid’s was even $5.” ~ indicus23

“NTA. This guy reminds me of my great aunt and uncle.”

“They retired at 40.”

“Have multiple houses in multiple countries with lots in the bank still.”

“We went to dinner a few years ago, and the Pepsi I ordered ended up on their bill – it was a whole 2 dollars.”

“My uncle pitched a fit.”

“He was mad at me for ordering a 2 dollar drink.”

“He was mad at the server for screwing up the bill.”

“He was mad at my mother for offering him a toonie for the drink – because that doesn’t cover the taxes!”

“The server fixed the bills very quickly.”

“He did not tip her – so my mom went back in to tip his bill.”

“It’s been years, and he still brings it up.”

“We just don’t go to public places that involve money with them anymore.” ~ ThassophobicPlatypus

“I’ve never heard that and I’m in my 40’s.”

“While I think that ordering the most expensive thing would be rude, I’m more concerned Grandpa worries more about perceived rudeness than enjoying breakfast with his granddaughter. NTA.” ~ Dragon_queen15

“NTA – just pay for your own meals.”

“Also, pay attention to your dad’s behavior, irritability or short fuse may be signs of early dementia.” ~ different

“NTA… nobody who has a ‘winter home’ has the right to complain about a guest ordering a chicken fried steak. LOL.” ~ garbage_queen819

“NTA. I grew up with that rule.”

“However, I can’t imagine that a chicken fried steak would really be that much more expensive.

“I would pay for my own meals from now on just to avoid his drama.” ~ CakeAccording8112

“NTA. At a certain point, frugal becomes miserly.”

“Yelling at your guests is poor hospitality and worse than whatever etiquette your daughter breached.” ~ crewkat2

Reddit has your back, OP.

Plenty of people would be happy to dine with you and your daughter.

And she can enjoy as much chicken fried steak as she likes.

Your Dad can have his rules.

That doesn’t mean everyone has to follow, at least outside his home.

Good luck.