Content Warning: Cheating, Affair, Affair Partner
Cheating is one of those things that most people would agree is selfish and heartless, as well as a no-brainer reason for a relationship to end.
But there are always some who think that cheating isn’t that big of a deal, at least when it happens to other people, side-eyed the users of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Inevitable_Card_9507 looked on in sadness as her mother continued with her life after her husband cheated on her and married his affair partner, while her younger sister pressured their mom to not only forgive their dad for what he had done, but to also befriend the affair partner.
Later, when the younger sister’s partner cheated on her and wrecked their engagement, the Original Poster (OP) couldn’t help but wonder if karma had come knocking.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my sister she doesn’t deserve our mom’s attention and sympathy after finding out her fiancé cheated?”
The OP’s father cheated on her mother when she and her sister, Bayla, were very young.
“I (26 Female) have a younger sister, Bayla (23 Female), and we’ve had a tense relationship for the past ten years.”
“Back when I was six and she was three, our dad (47 Male) cheated on our mom (47 Female), which destroyed the family. My mom was working hard in medical school while also trying to parent us, and my dad was the type of man who was resentful that my mom had the audacity to find a way to continue school instead of dropping out and being a stay-at-home mom and traditional wife for him.”
“Instead of talking to my mom about it, he became passive-aggressive, would try to sabotage her work, and eventually started his affair with my stepmom, Judy (44 Female).”
“My mom found out about it after coming home and catching them in her bed.”
The OP and Bayla had very different relationships with Judy.
“Bayla and I were really young so my mom decided not to tell us the truth, and Judy used that to get in our good graces.”
“I was always polite and but distant, and Bayla was young enough for it to work, and it wasn’t long before she started calling Judy ‘Mom.’ This really ticked off my mom, but Judy and my dad loved it.”
“I found out the truth when I was 10 when I overheard a conversation I wasn’t supposed to hear and became a lot more cold and angry whenever I had to go to my dad’s place.”
“My mom tried to put me into therapy, but Judy and my paternal grandma didn’t think it was needed, so my dad wouldn’t consent to it, which my mom had to take him to court over.”
Bayla later pressured the OP and her mother to befriend Judy.
“When Bayla was 13, she started getting on me about refusing to want to do anything with Judy for Mother’s Day. She also wanted me to help her convince our mom to share the day with Judy since they were both our moms.”
“I snapped and told her the truth. She didn’t believe it at first, but when Judy’s brother confirmed it, she did sulk about it for about a week but then went back to being loving towards Judy.”
“In her words, ‘it was a long time ago,’ ‘cheating happens,’ ‘you can’t stop love,’ and ‘that everything worked out in the end.'”
“She started saying those things frequently to my mom and started a campaign to try and force our mom to forgive our dad and accept Judy as her friend.”
“She actually said that she would be a bad mom if she hated our dad and Judy more than she could love her.”
“To her credit, my mom did try but Judy was such a passive-aggressive mean girl witch that my mom just washed her hands of the situation.”
At Bayla’s high school graduation, she drove the wedge deeper between her and her mom.
“When it was time for Bayla’s high school graduation, she gave our mom an ultimatum, to either sit next to Judy for the entire ceremony and pay for her and our dad’s share of the bill for dinner (my mom was going to pay for everyone else but them) or she won’t be invited to her graduation at all.”
“Our mom sat out the graduation and didn’t attend the dinner.”
“Judy made a post about how evil some mothers can be for not putting their child first, which Bayla liked and shared, and my mom took back the car she gave Bayla. It was still in her name.”
“Our mom still paid for Bayla’s college tuition, but she wouldn’t pay for her room and board like she did for me, and Bayla accused our mom of favoritism.”
“After that, Bayla and my mom went very low-contact, and that’s how it’s been for years. Since she was 13 and started pressuring us to take Judy in, I started distancing myself, too.”
Then karma came knocking on Bayla’s door.
“During this time, Bayla met, dated, and got engaged to her boyfriend, Ethan (26 Male).”
“She did send my mom an invite, but I think that was just to get some money out of her.”
“But unfortunately, the engagement was called off because Ethan ended up cheating, and Bayla found this out after going to the doctor and finding out she caught something from him.”
“Bayla reached out to my mom, but she got was an ‘I’m sorry you’re going through this’ text.”
“Bayla was furious, but I told her that given how she treated our mom and dismissed what our dad and Judy did to her, she shouldn’t expect much.”
“Bayla, my dad, Judy, and some paternal relatives are calling me an a**hole for not comforting her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt that Bayla should accept that “cheating happens” and that “you can’t stop love!”
“In her words, ‘cheating happens,’ and ‘you can’t stop love.’ I think I would have harshly reminded her of those words.”
“Your sister can go cry to the cheating dad and mistress for sympathy instead. She clearly chose her mother, and it’s not her biological one.”
“You and your mom are definitely NTA here.”
“P.S. I think your mom is an absolute star for going through studies, raising kids, and dealing with a cheater plus the one he cheated with.” – LeoTheStrange
“Surely Judy and Dad will have some EXPERT advice on how to dodge the STD risks that come with, uhhhhh, ‘covert non-monogamous love.'” – CharlotteLucasOP
“NTA. Why is Bayla upset? If she can insist your mom should forgive your dad and Judy, she should forgive Ethan and his affair partner.”
“Then she should attend their wedding and send a very expensive present or pay for their wedding dinner. Obviously.” – No_Cockroach4248
“‘You can’t stop true love! Silly Bayla!'” – Character_Jello6674
“I think what it boils down to is she doesn’t see her mom as an actual person. She expects her to basically be an automaton whose sole purpose is to serve the family.”
“Clearly, she thinks cheating is wrong but since she doesn’t see her mother as an autonomous, sentient being she waves off what happened to her.”
“NTA. I would have told her, ‘Cheating happens, you can’t stop love and it’ll all work out for the best in the end… just like YOU said.'”
“Honestly, this just feels like karma. Maybe something good will come out of this; maybe she’ll pull her head out of her a** and see how hurtful, callous, and dismissive she’s been to her mom, but I kinda doubt it.” – acegirl1985
Others agreed and suggested giving Bayla the same “advice” she’d given her own mother.
“It’s okay, OP. Just tell her she should go to dinner with Ethan and the affair partner, and she should pay for the whole thing!”
“And then, once your sister has children, she should tell them to call the affair partner ‘mom.'” – Jaded_Tourist2057
“I think OP should restart the campaign Bayla did to push her mom and stepmom together. I mean, she absolutely deserves it.”
“Besides, Bayla should support her cheating fiancé in his quest for free love. NTA.” – angryomlette
“After it’s been a couple of years, and Bayla still b***hes about this, OP can tell her, ‘That was such a long time ago! Time to get over it!'” – CatmoCatmo
“Bayla didn’t just undermine her own mother’s feelings and pressure her to put other people’s selfish needs before her own… but she bullied, belittled, and minimized the harm that was done to her other and doubled down on those actions when the truth about the affair was confirmed.”
“OP and her mother deserve a h**l of a lot better… And Bayla’s lucky that she found out this way instead of getting pregnant. She’d probably pass her gene on to her child, who would pressure her to be besties with her ex and affair partner, too.” – fortuna-nox23
“Bayla’s constant dismissal of the pain her mom endured and her enabling of her dad’s behavior is heartbreaking. She undermined her mom’s experience for years, even going so far as to pressure her to reconcile with people who betrayed her.”
“The reality is, Bayla’s actions have shown a lack of empathy and respect for the person who was there for her.”
“She’s reaped the consequences of her own choices and should recognize that support is earned, not expected, especially after treating people poorly for so long.” – Suspicious_Wash4036
Some reassured the OP that she was NTA and felt just as apathetic about Bayla’s situation.
“Bayla’s been brainwashed by the cheaters, but now that it’s happened to her, she wants ALL the sympathy. Hard pass.” – melyssahb
“I would LOVE to know what the dad and his mistress said to Bayla about this. Maybe the reason she reached out to her mother is that they weren’t sufficiently sympathetic. Oh, the irony and hypocrisy.” – FitOrFat-1999
“My knee-jerk reaction would have been to answer the text with, ‘Cheating happens…'” – StretchAdventurous43
“NTA. The Forgiveness Bus is a ride set up by people who do awful things and don’t want long-term consequences. Bayla’s just mad that she has a ticket to ride now.” – Artistic-Tough-7764
“Mom is classy and keeps her integrity intact. She doesn’t want to be on the same level as her ex-husband and her younger daughter. That’s why she didn’t repeat her daughter’s words back to her.”
“If OP is like her mom, she too will refrain from being like her sister, dad, or Judy. It’s not worth mentioning unless they keep bothering OP and her mom, then yeah, by all means, let Bayla’s text return to her.” – Autumn_Leaves_Beauty
It’s understandable that Bayla would be the most welcoming of Judy from the members of the family, given how young she was when the affair happened, but the subReddit found her treatment of her mother to be despicable at best.
For Bayla to be faced with the same fate as her mother and to expect better treatment just further proved that she had a lot of growing to do.