There's nothing quite like the excitement of greeting your best friend's newborn baby or your newest, youngest, tiniest family member after waiting for almost nine months.
But the truth of the matter is, the parents of that baby make the rules about when you will meet them, and those boundaries should be respected, fumed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor q_Quit_712 had just given birth to her first baby and was already exhausted from having to have a C-section to delivery, as well as complications that came up in the hospital. All she wanted was one week home alone with her husband, baby, and cat, for them all to get acquainted and to bond.
When her in-laws refused to respect that one-week boundary and flew in from across the country, expecting to be let in and entertained, the Original Poster (OP) immediately felt disrespected and all the more exhausted.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for not allowing my in-laws to come over the first day when they booked a flight without telling us?"
The OP wanted one week to bond with her baby before seeing guests.
"I just had my baby on Tuesday. My husband and I made it super clear that we wanted no visitors for a week after he’s born."
"We live across the country from my husband's family. My mother-in-law said to my husband that it was 'honestly mean' to do that to people, but we were under the impression that they understood."
"We both want time alone to bond with the baby. Plus, I had a C-section and need time to recover."
"Well, they booked a flight for this weekend and arrived today without telling anybody until the flight was already booked."
"My husband spoke to my father-in-law and told him how upset he is that nobody listens to him, but his dad kept talking about how it was the only time they could vacation for work, the flights were cheap for these days, how they need to be back for Easter, etc."
"We just got home from the hospital on Thursday, and it’s been rough for me. My shirts are drenched in milk, I’m sore, and I am not in any place to have company."
The OP's husband tried to hold the boundary they had set.
"They arrived on Saturday morning, and my husband told them that they couldn't stop by. They seemed upset but went back to their hotel, and that was the last I heard."
"When my husband asked why nobody listened to us, their only response was, 'You have no idea how hard it is in the beginning, and we just want to help.'"
"I know it comes from a place of love. We know they’re excited for their first grandchild."
"But I feel completely overwhelmed and disrespected and don’t know what to do about this situation."
"My baby is feeding and gets hungry every 30 minutes sometimes. It’s going to be so awkward for me to keep running back into my bedroom to nurse."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her in-laws were being invasive and entitled.
"NOR. I visited my best friend two days after she came home from the hospital after a C-section."
"I told her to stay upstairs with the baby, and I cooked and cleaned and went to the store for them. I saw the baby for the first time at three weeks. I remember doing a lot of laundry, LOL."
"Your in-laws didn’t even pretend to be accommodating. They just did what they wanted." - AlexNKarlie
"My mom was awesome. I came home to a clean, spotless house. Even the carpets were cleaned, plus the mattress protector when my water broke in bed (I felt like I got hit with multiple water balloons), and the wet spot on the carpet right next to the bed."
"She also stayed the first two nights, which I was SO grareful for when I came downstairs at 1:00AM, because I was so tired and cried. She never tried to take over."
"When family wants to be there early, they are signing up to BE THERE, not to be tourists of your baby and houseguests you have to host. They can find something else to do with those tickets, like shove them where the sun don't shine." - Waterbaby8182
"NOR. And they just got off planes full of people coughing and whatnot. Sure, we'll just hand over a four-day-old baby, nooo problem." - StateofMind70
"Let's see how they would like being required to wash and sanitize their hands and wear N95 masks. They want to meet a brand-new baby after a flight, after all."
"My friend visited from America while I was going through chemo, so, 20+ hour flights, and she wore a d**ned N95 mask the entire time. Didn't even take it off to drink. Because she didn't want to catch some stupid plane, lug it, and give it to me while I was immunocompromised."
"Newborns have s**tty immune systems just by their nature. If the parents weren't wearing the N95 masks from the time they left their house until the time they got in the shower in their hotel room? I wouldn't personally be okay with them holding my one-week-old. NOR." - Patient_Emotion2184
"They have made it all about them with no respect for you and what you have gone through. I hope you guys stick to your plan of not having visitors right now because then you would just be letting them think they got away with it!" - ImmediateShallot7245
Others suggested calling the in-laws out on their behavior.
"NOR. It’s too bad they had to go and make a super exciting and joyful thing a stressful, awkward situation." - sherirobinson5
"I’d be sure to casually mention later on that they ruined what should have been a special, transitional time. Maybe over Thanksgiving dinner. Something like, 'It sure was nice of you guys to make sure my introduction to motherhood was disrespected and as stressful as possible.'" - gatekeep-gaslight
"This situation requires blunt. I honestly can't see these parents understanding anything but. OP AND her husband tried the nice and polite route multiple times."
"Be as blunt as possible when you confront them. I think these parents are only gonna acknowledge the nuclear option."
"OP, I'm so sorry that they completely ignored your needs for their wants. Feel free to keep your week private. They shouldn't have spent the money on the flights when they were already told no."
"Make them suffer the consequences. Keep your rule of one week of private time. If they show up, don't open the door. Keep your door locked for seven days and enjoy your family."
"On day eight, if they're still there, they can see the baby. But not a second before."
"And WHEN they complain that they made the trip and it's a waste, tell them, 'Oh well, too bad, so sad. You were WARNED well in advance that these were the rules. You CHOSE to ignore them. I CHOOSE to enforce them.'" - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"Do not give in. Do not let them come. If you do, it will l never stop. They will ALWAYS walk all over your boundaries."
"They did this because they knew you would say no. And they were only thinking of themselves. They have no respect. Your husband needs to tell them, sorry NOT sorry. They should have listened. They will not be meeting the baby. And if they continue to walk all over your boundaries, they never will."
"Please do not give in. You will grow to resent them and then your husband if he allows it. Don't let them ruin this week. Turn your phone off if need be. And double-lock the door."
"Congratulations on your little one. I hope you heal quickly." - Sapphire-Donut1214
"You said, 'I know it comes from a place of love,' but I'm not so sure. Their behavior sounds like it comes from a place of entitlement and self-centeredness. NTA." - Waste_Worker6122
Despite the validation of the subReddit, the OP revealed in the "Advice" subReddit that her in-laws persisted.
The OP wrote in the post that has since been deleted:
"My in-laws have ruined the first week of my baby's life. I can’t take it anymore."
"I’m a first-time mom. I just had my baby exactly a week ago. My husband and I live across the country from my in-laws. I understand his family is excited to have the first grandbaby."
"I knew from early on that I was going to have a scheduled C-section. I didn’t want any visitors for a while, but to compromise, I said that I needed a week with no visitors to heal, and to bond with my new baby."
"I told his sister that. But I immediately got pushback. She was saying how she wanted to see the baby while he was still a newborn, and how it’s the only week she could take off of work to come and visit."
"I tried to talk to her about it, but I just got pushback. They ended up booking the flight anyway."
"Next thing, his parents did the same thing. After my husband told them we wanted a week. My father-in-law (FIL) was talking to my husband about the dates to come, and my husband said he would let them know. The next day, they ended up booking the flight anyway."
When the family arrived, as some Redditors expected, they pushed one boundary after another.
"I got home from the hospital Thursday, and they were in town early Saturday."
"We didn’t let them in. So they went back to their hotel. It’s bad enough they didn’t respect our one-week boundary, but what really has me boiling is all the things they’ve done this far during their trip."
"On Sunday, they just showed up at our door while I was in the shower. No asking, no communicating."
"My mother-in-law (MIL) kissed the back of my baby's head, AFTER my husband told her not to kiss him. As we were also told multiple times during the hospital stay not to let people do that. She said, 'It’s just the back of his head.'"
"Then when his sister was holding him, she went to kiss him, right after my husband told everybody no, so he grabbed the baby."
"Our cat was getting stressed and anxious about having that many people over (we live in a one-bedroom apartment), so he was hiding under things and running away. His sister and her partner picked him up anyway. The cat was visibly in distress."
"My husband said, 'He doesn’t want to get picked up right now.' Still, the two of them kept picking him up. Even after the cat scratched her."
"So not only haven’t they been listening to us about the baby and my healing process, they’re terrorizing the cat."
The OP was at her wits' end.
"I have been dealing with so much. I had a horrible hospital stay, and wanted to go home and enjoy my baby's first week of life."
"Instead, I’m dealing with in-laws coming over every day for dinner and not respecting anything. I’m sobbing every night because of my hormones, leaking milk everywhere, and healing from a major surgery."
"They brought over dinner for us and bought us groceries, which I appreciate."
"But the fact is, they have disrespected and not listened to anything my husband has said. And this is a common pattern with them and their family dynamic. I’ve let it play out in the past and tried not to get involved. But at this point, it’s affecting my pets, my baby, and how I feel in my house."
"My husband feels the same way and is frustrated, but doesn’t want to do anything about it because he doesn’t want an explosive fight."
"So I’m here, stuck in the middle, as the person actually recovering and going through everything."
"My own family hasn’t even come yet. I feel like I have nobody here to advocate for me. My husband feels the same, but doesn’t want to rock the boat. Even though he’s been clear about what he wants, he doesn't push back, and he's not respected."
"They still have until the end of the week here, and I’m at my wits' end."
The "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit attempted to reassure the OP about maintaining her boundaries and warned her of what might happen if she agreed to let them come in anyway after disregarding her wishes, and it was exactly what unfolded in the "Advice" subReddit that revealed why.
The in-laws should have found something else to do in the town and then gone back home, since they booked flights at the inappropriate time, but since the OP and her husband had let them come in unwelcome, there was no telling how far they'd push.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp