There's nothing quite like the excitement of greeting your best friend's newborn baby or your newest, youngest, tiniest family member after waiting for almost nine months.
But the truth of the matter is, the parents of that baby make the rules about when you will meet them, and those boundaries should be respected, fumed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor q_Quit_712 had just given birth to her first baby and was already exhausted from having to have a C-section to delivery, as well as complications that came up in the hospital. All she wanted was one week home alone with her husband, baby, and cat, for them all to get acquainted and to bond.
When her in-laws refused to respect that one-week boundary and flew in from across the country, expecting to be let in and entertained, the Original Poster (OP) immediately felt disrespected and all the more exhausted.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for not allowing my in-laws to come over the first day when they booked a flight without telling us?"
The OP wanted one week to bond with her baby before seeing guests.
"I just had my baby on Tuesday. My husband and I made it super clear that we wanted no visitors for a week after he’s born."
"We live across the country from my husband's family. My mother-in-law said to my husband that it was 'honestly mean' to do that to people, but we were under the impression that they understood."
"We both want time alone to bond with the baby. Plus, I had a C-section and need time to recover."
"Well, they booked a flight for this weekend and arrived today without telling anybody until the flight was already booked."
"My husband spoke to my father-in-law and told him how upset he is that nobody listens to him, but his dad kept talking about how it was the only time they could vacation for work, the flights were cheap for these days, how they need to be back for Easter, etc."
"We just got home from the hospital on Thursday, and it’s been rough for me. My shirts are drenched in milk, I’m sore, and I am not in any place to have company."
The OP's husband tried to hold the boundary they had set.
"They arrived on Saturday morning, and my husband told them that they couldn't stop by. They seemed upset but went back to their hotel, and that was the last I heard."
"When my husband asked why nobody listened to us, their only response was, 'You have no idea how hard it is in the beginning, and we just want to help.'"
"I know it comes from a place of love. We know they’re excited for their first grandchild."
"But I feel completely overwhelmed and disrespected and don’t know what to do about this situation."
"My baby is feeding and gets hungry every 30 minutes sometimes. It’s going to be so awkward for me to keep running back into my bedroom to nurse."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that her in-laws were being invasive and entitled.
"NOR. I visited my best friend two days after she came home from the hospital after a C-section."
"I told her to stay upstairs with the baby, and I cooked and cleaned and went to the store for them. I saw the baby for the first time at three weeks. I remember doing a lot of laundry, LOL."
"Your in-laws didn’t even pretend to be accommodating. They just did what they wanted." - AlexNKarlie
"My mom was awesome. I came home to a clean, spotless house. Even the carpets were cleaned, plus the mattress protector when my water broke in bed (I felt like I got hit with multiple water balloons), and the wet spot on the carpet right next to the bed."
"She also stayed the first two nights, which I was SO grareful for when I came downstairs at 1:00AM, because I was so tired and cried. She never tried to take over."
"When family wants to be there early, they are signing up to BE THERE, not to be tourists of your baby and houseguests you have to host. They can find something else to do with those tickets, like shove them where the sun don't shine." - Waterbaby8182
"NOR. And they just got off planes full of people coughing and whatnot. Sure, we'll just hand over a four-day-old baby, nooo problem." - StateofMind70
"Let's see how they would like being required to wash and sanitize their hands and wear N95 masks. They want to meet a brand-new baby after a flight, after all."
"My friend visited from America while I was going through chemo, so, 20+ hour flights, and she wore a d**ned N95 mask the entire time. Didn't even take it off to drink. Because she didn't want to catch some stupid plane, lug it, and give it to me while I was immunocompromised."
"Newborns have s**tty immune systems just by their nature. If the parents weren't wearing the N95 masks from the time they left their house until the time they got in the shower in their hotel room? I wouldn't personally be okay with them holding my one-week-old. NOR." - Patient_Emotion2184
"They have made it all about them with no respect for you and what you have gone through. I hope you guys stick to your plan of not having visitors right now because then you would just be letting them think they got away with it!" - ImmediateShallot7245
Others suggested calling the in-laws out on their behavior.
"NOR. It’s too bad they had to go and make a super exciting and joyful thing a stressful, awkward situation." - sherirobinson5
"I’d be sure to casually mention later on that they ruined what should have been a special, transitional time. Maybe over Thanksgiving dinner. Something like, 'It sure was nice of you guys to make sure my introduction to motherhood was disrespected and as stressful as possible.'" - gatekeep-gaslight
"This situation requires blunt. I honestly can't see these parents understanding anything but. OP AND her husband tried the nice and polite route multiple times."
"Be as blunt as possible when you confront them. I think these parents are only gonna acknowledge the nuclear option."
"OP, I'm so sorry that they completely ignored your needs for their wants. Feel free to keep your week private. They shouldn't have spent the money on the flights when they were already told no."
"Make them suffer the consequences. Keep your rule of one week of private time. If they show up, don't open the door. Keep your door locked for seven days and enjoy your family."
"On day eight, if they're still there, they can see the baby. But not a second before."
"And WHEN they complain that they made the trip and it's a waste, tell them, 'Oh well, too bad, so sad. You were WARNED well in advance that these were the rules. You CHOSE to ignore them. I CHOOSE to enforce them.'" - HeyPrettyLadyMaam
"Do not give in. Do not let them come. If you do, it will l never stop. They will ALWAYS walk all over your boundaries."
"They did this because they knew you would say no. And they were only thinking of themselves. They have no respect. Your husband needs to tell them, sorry NOT sorry. They should have listened. They will not be meeting the baby. And if they continue to walk all over your boundaries, they never will."
"Please do not give in. You will grow to resent them and then your husband if he allows it. Don't let them ruin this week. Turn your phone off if need be. And double-lock the door."
"Congratulations on your little one. I hope you heal quickly." - Sapphire-Donut1214
"You said, 'I know it comes from a place of love,' but I'm not so sure. Their behavior sounds like it comes from a place of entitlement and self-centeredness. NTA." - Waste_Worker6122
Despite the validation of the subReddit, the OP revealed in the "Advice" subReddit that her in-laws persisted.
The OP wrote in the post that has since been deleted:
"My in-laws have ruined the first week of my baby's life. I can’t take it anymore."
"I’m a first-time mom. I just had my baby exactly a week ago. My husband and I live across the country from my in-laws. I understand his family is excited to have the first grandbaby."
"I knew from early on that I was going to have a scheduled C-section. I didn’t want any visitors for a while, but to compromise, I said that I needed a week with no visitors to heal, and to bond with my new baby."
"I told his sister that. But I immediately got pushback. She was saying how she wanted to see the baby while he was still a newborn, and how it’s the only week she could take off of work to come and visit."
"I tried to talk to her about it, but I just got pushback. They ended up booking the flight anyway."
"Next thing, his parents did the same thing. After my husband told them we wanted a week. My father-in-law (FIL) was talking to my husband about the dates to come, and my husband said he would let them know. The next day, they ended up booking the flight anyway."
When the family arrived, as some Redditors expected, they pushed one boundary after another.
"I got home from the hospital Thursday, and they were in town early Saturday."
"We didn’t let them in. So they went back to their hotel. It’s bad enough they didn’t respect our one-week boundary, but what really has me boiling is all the things they’ve done this far during their trip."
"On Sunday, they just showed up at our door while I was in the shower. No asking, no communicating."
"My mother-in-law (MIL) kissed the back of my baby's head, AFTER my husband told her not to kiss him. As we were also told multiple times during the hospital stay not to let people do that. She said, 'It’s just the back of his head.'"
"Then when his sister was holding him, she went to kiss him, right after my husband told everybody no, so he grabbed the baby."
"Our cat was getting stressed and anxious about having that many people over (we live in a one-bedroom apartment), so he was hiding under things and running away. His sister and her partner picked him up anyway. The cat was visibly in distress."
"My husband said, 'He doesn’t want to get picked up right now.' Still, the two of them kept picking him up. Even after the cat scratched her."
"So not only haven’t they been listening to us about the baby and my healing process, they’re terrorizing the cat."
The OP was at her wits' end.
"I have been dealing with so much. I had a horrible hospital stay, and wanted to go home and enjoy my baby's first week of life."
"Instead, I’m dealing with in-laws coming over every day for dinner and not respecting anything. I’m sobbing every night because of my hormones, leaking milk everywhere, and healing from a major surgery."
"They brought over dinner for us and bought us groceries, which I appreciate."
"But the fact is, they have disrespected and not listened to anything my husband has said. And this is a common pattern with them and their family dynamic. I’ve let it play out in the past and tried not to get involved. But at this point, it’s affecting my pets, my baby, and how I feel in my house."
"My husband feels the same way and is frustrated, but doesn’t want to do anything about it because he doesn’t want an explosive fight."
"So I’m here, stuck in the middle, as the person actually recovering and going through everything."
"My own family hasn’t even come yet. I feel like I have nobody here to advocate for me. My husband feels the same, but doesn’t want to rock the boat. Even though he’s been clear about what he wants, he doesn't push back, and he's not respected."
"They still have until the end of the week here, and I’m at my wits' end."
The "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit attempted to reassure the OP about maintaining her boundaries and warned her of what might happen if she agreed to let them come in anyway after disregarding her wishes, and it was exactly what unfolded in the "Advice" subReddit that revealed why.
The in-laws should have found something else to do in the town and then gone back home, since they booked flights at the inappropriate time, but since the OP and her husband had let them come in unwelcome, there was no telling how far they'd push.
