Getting another person to understand your point of view can be difficult.
We often use tangentially related situations to make our points.
But this sometimes backfires with people who keep score on who has it worse.
A friend turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after making a comparison to try to get her friend to stop badgering her.
Ariadnevirginia asked:
"AITA for comparing my cat to my friend's child?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So have a friend with a very disabled, non-verbal child. Her life revolves around her. Although she's never had a bad experience with childcare, she doesn't trust anyone to look after her child but her."
"She lets her go to school, and some activities, and she occasionally stays with her father, but hiring a babysitter (it would be a specialist one, of course) is out of the question. She was very unhappy when the child's father took her to Brazil to spend time with her grandparents, as she didn't trust she would be safe."
"She is highly critical of her daughter's teachers and activity carers. This is all fair enough."
"She's always saying I should go on holiday or go for a break or go traveling and rent my place out. She returns to the subject over and over. It's because she's had to rent some places at sky-high prices for short lets and thinks I'd be crazy not to rent my place out."
"I always reply that the house is quirky and not really suitable for renting out, that I hate the idea of people going through my stuff, plus what about the cat? Because I have a beloved cat.
"She replies 'oh he'll be fine' or 'you can put him in a kennel and still make a big profit' or 'what harm could possibly come to him?'."
"She self-identifies as a Superwoman who saves everyone around her, and I think this is part of it. She pushes and pushes so I can make big money and tell everyone how amazing she is for suggesting it."
"I got tired of this, and last time I saw her, I responded, 'I would have thought you'd understand, as you don't trust strangers around your kid, don't you understand that I feel the same way about the cat? Because he can't tell me if something is wrong, just like your child can't tell you'."
"She went into a huff and managed to choke out the words (she was SO ANGRY) 'well I am certainly a BIT offended that you'd compare my child to a cat!'."
"Then left."
"Should I just not have said anything? I suppose it brought up the topic that both the cat and the child are non-verbal, and I suppose she might have thought I was therefore putting them on a level, as if her child was subhuman?"
"That was not my intention. She's been cutting off people left and right who 'betrayed' her, so maybe it's just my turn."
"But should I apologise?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I think I inadvertently insulted my friend, but I'm not sure if she's being oversensitive or if I'm being insensitive."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA - you didn't compare the cat to the child. You pointed out that both were unable to report ill-treatment, and that means you don't want strangers around him. She doesn't value your cat or your ability to make choices for yourself. Was she planning a cash-grab on the money as 'an advisory fee' or to live her holidays vicariously through you? I don't get why she cared so much that you stay home."
"You told her no. She kept pushing. You gave more reasons - your property isn't right for that, and you are worried about your cat. She kept pushing. So you tried to explain why you worried for your cat in a way she might understand. She got the huff and didn't listen to what you were actually trying to say. I suspect for her the cat's comfort didn't matter if there was money in it but her daughter's does."
"The apology would be I am sorry you misinterpreted my words to mean I was comparing your cat and your daughter. However, neither can communicate ill-treatment, and I am not going to trust my much-loved cat to strangers just for some cash."
"Watch out for her mouthing off about you to others. If she does, just say she couldn't understand why my cat's comfort was more important to me than money, and I was trying to explain that in terms she might understand." ~ Timely_Egg_6827
"NTA. As a parent and as a person with a “developmental disability” myself I have to wonder how many of these comments are neurotypical people just virtue signaling. Parents of neurodivergent children tend to make their child’s disability ALL about them."
"You were trying to explain something to her in a way that was relatable. 'How dare you compare a disabled human to a CAT!' I don't know, I’m disabled and, like it or not, a lot of us do tend to have many cat-like behaviors. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Unless you have a low opinion of disabled children or cats."
"Also, it sounds like your friend needs some therapy to manage her feelings about her child’s situation because it really doesn’t sound like she has healthy coping mechanisms and her child is probably picking up on how much of a 'problem' they are." ~ klimekam
"NTA. She's ridiculously oversensitive. You did not compare her child to a cat; you shared your feelings of not wanting to leave your cat with people who might not take care of him as well as you, the same as she feels about her child."
"It was an analogy, not a direct comparison. You can explain that by text, but you don't need to apologize. She offended and insulted you by assuming you said something you didn't." ~ Spare_Ad5009
"NTA, friend doesn't get to keep pushing you to do something you don't want to do without expecting some sort of push back. You value your pets health and happiness, she values the same for her kid, what is the problem?"
"You never said the cat and her kid were the same thing, you just expect her to respect your feelings because the cat is the closest thing you have to your own kid."
"She doesn't get to play high and mighty, getting offended after repeatedly badgering you just because she has a special needs child." ~ Beardo88
"It’s clear you weren’t trying to outright compare the situations, just how you feel about the possibility of people mistreating your cat who can’t tell you he’s being mistreated, unfortunately people get really weird about pets when they’re compared to children in any way shape or form."
"I know there are people who make the comparison in rude dismissive ways, but that’s not what you were doing, and your friend should learn how to take no for an answer, she’ll get frustrated and have emotional responses like this pretty often." ~ AhsoPlushy
"NTA. It’s wild that she thinks you should rent out the home you live in to begin with. And she probably needs therapy because, yes, having a special needs child can be scary, but she’s probably holding her kid back from things she can handle if she’s afraid to send her with her father." ~ BadPom
"NTA. It’s wild to me how some people with children think they’re entitled to tell people without children what to do. I wouldn’t leave my cat either if I were in your position, OP. Pets are family." ~ pennywhistlesmoonpie
"NTA. You were just highlighting the similarity in your feelings to help her understand where you're coming from; you weren't directly comparing your cat to her child. Her being that fixated on you renting out your place is also bizarre; once you said you weren't interested, she shouldn't have pushed it." ~ Consistent-Star5745
"NTA. I was thinking of ESH because I thought that you should have known not to make any sort of comparison, but you weren't comparing her child to your cat so much as you were reaching out to ask for her understanding regarding two points where your situations are similar."
"The great disconnect is that you were thinking that even though her loved one is a child and yours is your pet, they are both loved in their own way, and you each want to protect them in similar situations. That's the end of the comparison."
"But she is horrified that her beloved child is being put in the same category as an animal in any way. You are thinking of adult humans and their loved ones as being comparable groups in some ways (while of course not being the same in other ways, I assume). She is thinking of humans and animals as completely separate categories, and (I imagine) human mother and child being an exalted category never to be grouped with a person and their pet. Certainly, a child and a pet are never to be grouped in any way, in this view."
"Now while I have some sympathy for her position, I also have sympathy for yours—especially because I don't think it's impossible to understand what you were getting at—unless that empathy is blocked from entering consciousness by outrage at the very idea that any concerns a mother has regarding her child could be compared to concerns a pet owner may have about their pet."
"One reason I'm saying NTA is because even if a parent thinks that a human child is incomparably more important than the most beloved animal, they should at least be able to admit that the comparison of humans concerned about their loved ones holds true. Their child isn't going to be any less loved or any less human if they acknowledge that pet lovers truly care about the welfare of their pets and love and worry about them." ~ kurokomainu
This probably isn't a friend that's going to be receptive to OP's perspective based on their inability to accept OP's use of the words "no" and "I don't want to."
Both of those phrases should have shut down her friend's suggestion about renting out her home.
