Introductions between a parent's new partner and their children can be tricky. Experts recommend dating for awhile to make certain things are going to last then makinv the first introduction in a place the child is comfortable.
So lunch at home seems like a perfect option. But not according to at least one teen.
A 17-year-old turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after refusing to meether mother's new boyfriend over lunch.
Belchishche asked:
"AITA for refusing to have lunch with my mom’s boyfriend and 'play family' with them?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 17, female, my mother is 46. My parents divorced in 2023, and I don’t have any contact with my father anymore. We never had a good relationship with him, so that part wasn’t difficult for me."
"After divorce my mother had a couple relationships but nothing to serious until now."
"She told me that she has a new boyfriend. Didn’t introduced him, just announced that he’s coming over for lunch today. I didn’t even know that she’s seeing someone until now. And I still don’t know his name. But my mother already started to plan some trips together."
"So, when she told me he was coming over, I refused to join because I know that she already expects me to treat this stranger like family."
"She got angry and called me selfish. She said I’m 'not letting her be happy' and I’m just enjoying seeing her suffering of being single. That’s not true at all. I don’t care if she dates someone, I just don’t want all this 'family playing'."
"I'm really confused because, what’s the problem? I'm not giving her ultimatum or begging to break up with that man."
"It's a pattern because she did it one time before. We had conflict because of the same situation a while ago when she was in another relationship."
"I told her that I can't treat strangers like family and definitely not ready to spend much time with them like she expected, but she doesn’t get it."
"She’s still angry at me. Please, help me."
The OP later added an unintelligible note in response to widespread criticism:
"A lot of people think that im refusing to even acknowledge this man. No. I refused because my mother will perceive consent for lunch as permissiveness."
"I don’t mind to at least meet him and have a polite small talk. But she won’t on that if I agree, based on my experience."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I refused to have lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and told her I didn’t want to spend time with him or act like we’re close. This upset her because she wanted me to be welcoming and supportive."
"I think I might be the a**hole because my refusal hurt her feelings and made her feel like I don’t support her relationship or her happiness. From her perspective, I may have seemed rude, unwelcoming, and unwilling to even give him a chance, even though she was trying to include me in something important to her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"How is it a pattern if she’s only done it once before with another long term serious relationship?"
"It sounds like you just have zero interest in meeting any long term boyfriends she has. They are only strangers because you refuse to get to know them. She isn’t treating them like family after simply wanting you to meet them. She’s introducing them to a pre established family which is not the same thing."
"You sound kind of immature. Your mom wants to find love, but if you have no interest in getting to know them then I guess that’s your prerogative, but YTA." ~ Truth_and_nothingbut
"You keep repeating this phrase 'treat them like family' but have given zero explanation what that means despite people asking you multiple times. What does treating someone like family mean, and why does that mean you can't have lunch with your mom's boyfriend?" ~ roseofjuly
"This is literally how you correctly introduce people. 'I've been seeing someone for a little while and invited them to lunch so you can meet.' I just don't understand why there is such a freak out going on here. A one hour lunch seems like the right course of action for the mom to take in this situation." ~ tarahlynn
"YTA. How are you supposed to get to know him if you refuse to meet him? Maybe mom shouldn't have sprung it on you, but it costs very little to share a meal and be polite." ~ SQ_Madriel
"YTA. Girl how is lunch with him playing family? He’s not taking you prom dress shopping or demanding you call him dad. It he sucks after you meet him, ok, that’s one thing, but if an introduction is 'playing family' then I don't know how you’re going to navigate social situations as an adult." ~ CaramelTurtles
"I'm really sorry, but YTA. This guy did nothing wrong to you, so sit down at that table and talk to him. Even if your mom expects you to treat him like family, she can't force you to and you can still be nice to someone without kisses and hugs."
"Simply walking away is more of an insult to him (who doesn't know you and who that would leave a sh*t first impression on, if not even hurt his feelings/self esteem), than your mom. It's eating together. That's not that huge of a task in my opinion." ~ maybe_a_squirrel
"How would you feel if your mother refused to meet your partner?"
"Introducing him over lunch at her house isn't an unusual way to make the introduction and doesn't indicate she wants to play family. She's met someone who she likes and like any other normal person she wants to introduce him to the people in her life."
"Stop behaving like a petulant child. It's not an extreme ask to have you be polite and courteous over lunch to meet someone special to your mum. I guarantee you, you will expect the same behavior from your mum when you want to introduce her to your partners and you will be devastated if she refused. YTA she's not making you play family." ~ throwAWweddingwoe
"YTA she wants you to meet someone she likes, not call him dad." ~ Grouchy_Aioli_2625
"Having lunch with someone isn’t treating them like family. Lunch is a typical way to meet someone and make some small chit chat to get to know them. It very much sounds like you’re being petulant and don’t want your mother to date and don’t want to engage with anyone she’s dating. There’s no reason for you not to be open to meeting someone she’s dating." ~ panic_bread
"YTA. So, to recap, ONE previous relationship your mom had is now a pattern of behavior, and that pattern of behavior is….telling you not to have a nasty attitude, asking you to cook, and taking you on vacation?"
"Vacations I get, it’s weird when there’s a third wheel you don’t know, and teens have a knack for making trips miserable when they don’t want to be there. It’s fair to not want to go sit on a beach and scowl all day, so I won’t ding you on that."
"But refusing to have lunch? What’s the actual plan with this? If you don’t want your mom to date, you need to tell her that and have her get you a therapy appointment to start processing the divorce, because you clearly have some hangups about things that are an inevitability."
"Your mom will, in all likelihood, find a person she will want to make part of her family; that’s how dating tends to work. You can’t stave that off forever by refusing to meet him (well you can, but you’ll end up back here asking if you’re TA for not inviting your mom’s husband of 15 years to your wedding because you never met the dude), but you can actually use your words and tell your mom 'hey, I didn’t like that you expected me to just mesh with the last guy and pretend we didn’t just go through an ordeal when you and dad broke up'." ~ otisanek
"YTA. Come on, man. You shouldn't be hating on this guy before you even met him. I doubt you're expected to 'play family', but if this is someone your mother is serious about, you ought to be polite, have dinner with him, and give him a chance, then go from there about everything else. I know you're not quite an adult yet, but since you're so close, this would be good practice in learning how to be one." ~ AuggieNorth
"YTA. What? Like what the what? This is your chance to meet him. What more casual of a meet and greet could there possibly be than to have lunch with someone? Why on earth are you refusing?"
"Your mom: 'Hey I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, let's all have lunch'."
"You: I'LL NEVER LOVE HIM!!!!!'."
"You're being absolutely ridiculous." ~ Logridos
"YTA. And you know it. It is very telling how you refuse to answer what you mean with the words 'treat him like family'."
"Your mother can invite anyone over to her house. She can date if she likes. You also totally have the option of demanding terms before meeting new people. But it is an a**hole thing to do." ~ holyoak
"YTA you need to give a better explanation about what you mean by 'treat him like family'. Even then, based on what you have said, she hasn’t even done that here." ~ RealisticTadpole1926
"You wrote, 'She told me that she has a new boyfriend. Didn’t introduced him, just announced that he’s coming over for lunch today'."
"Homie, that's called an introduction. YTA." ~ fren2allcheezes
Reddit found serious fault with your attitude.
Maybe after reading through some of the comments, you can have a more honest conversation about your mother.
u/Lazy_Perfectionist88/Reddit