Introductions between a parent's new partner and their children can be tricky. Experts recommend dating for awhile to make certain things are going to last then makinv the first introduction in a place the child is comfortable.
So lunch at home seems like a perfect option. But not according to at least one teen.
A 17-year-old turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after refusing to meether mother's new boyfriend over lunch.
Belchishche asked:
"AITA for refusing to have lunch with my mom’s boyfriend and 'play family' with them?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 17, female, my mother is 46. My parents divorced in 2023, and I don’t have any contact with my father anymore. We never had a good relationship with him, so that part wasn’t difficult for me."
"After divorce my mother had a couple relationships but nothing to serious until now."
"She told me that she has a new boyfriend. Didn’t introduced him, just announced that he’s coming over for lunch today. I didn’t even know that she’s seeing someone until now. And I still don’t know his name. But my mother already started to plan some trips together."
"So, when she told me he was coming over, I refused to join because I know that she already expects me to treat this stranger like family."
"She got angry and called me selfish. She said I’m 'not letting her be happy' and I’m just enjoying seeing her suffering of being single. That’s not true at all. I don’t care if she dates someone, I just don’t want all this 'family playing'."
"I'm really confused because, what’s the problem? I'm not giving her ultimatum or begging to break up with that man."
"It's a pattern because she did it one time before. We had conflict because of the same situation a while ago when she was in another relationship."
"I told her that I can't treat strangers like family and definitely not ready to spend much time with them like she expected, but she doesn’t get it."
"She’s still angry at me. Please, help me."
The OP later added an unintelligible note in response to widespread criticism:
"A lot of people think that im refusing to even acknowledge this man. No. I refused because my mother will perceive consent for lunch as permissiveness."
"I don’t mind to at least meet him and have a polite small talk. But she won’t on that if I agree, based on my experience."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I refused to have lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and told her I didn’t want to spend time with him or act like we’re close. This upset her because she wanted me to be welcoming and supportive."
"I think I might be the a**hole because my refusal hurt her feelings and made her feel like I don’t support her relationship or her happiness. From her perspective, I may have seemed rude, unwelcoming, and unwilling to even give him a chance, even though she was trying to include me in something important to her."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was the a**hole (YTA).
"How is it a pattern if she’s only done it once before with another long term serious relationship?"
"It sounds like you just have zero interest in meeting any long term boyfriends she has. They are only strangers because you refuse to get to know them. She isn’t treating them like family after simply wanting you to meet them. She’s introducing them to a pre established family which is not the same thing."
"You sound kind of immature. Your mom wants to find love, but if you have no interest in getting to know them then I guess that’s your prerogative, but YTA." ~ Truth_and_nothingbut
"You keep repeating this phrase 'treat them like family' but have given zero explanation what that means despite people asking you multiple times. What does treating someone like family mean, and why does that mean you can't have lunch with your mom's boyfriend?" ~ roseofjuly
"This is literally how you correctly introduce people. 'I've been seeing someone for a little while and invited them to lunch so you can meet.' I just don't understand why there is such a freak out going on here. A one hour lunch seems like the right course of action for the mom to take in this situation." ~ tarahlynn
"YTA. How are you supposed to get to know him if you refuse to meet him? Maybe mom shouldn't have sprung it on you, but it costs very little to share a meal and be polite." ~ SQ_Madriel
"YTA. Girl how is lunch with him playing family? He’s not taking you prom dress shopping or demanding you call him dad. It he sucks after you meet him, ok, that’s one thing, but if an introduction is 'playing family' then I don't know how you’re going to navigate social situations as an adult." ~ CaramelTurtles
"I'm really sorry, but YTA. This guy did nothing wrong to you, so sit down at that table and talk to him. Even if your mom expects you to treat him like family, she can't force you to and you can still be nice to someone without kisses and hugs."
"Simply walking away is more of an insult to him (who doesn't know you and who that would leave a sh*t first impression on, if not even hurt his feelings/self esteem), than your mom. It's eating together. That's not that huge of a task in my opinion." ~ maybe_a_squirrel
"How would you feel if your mother refused to meet your partner?"
"Introducing him over lunch at her house isn't an unusual way to make the introduction and doesn't indicate she wants to play family. She's met someone who she likes and like any other normal person she wants to introduce him to the people in her life."
"Stop behaving like a petulant child. It's not an extreme ask to have you be polite and courteous over lunch to meet someone special to your mum. I guarantee you, you will expect the same behavior from your mum when you want to introduce her to your partners and you will be devastated if she refused. YTA she's not making you play family." ~ throwAWweddingwoe
"YTA she wants you to meet someone she likes, not call him dad." ~ Grouchy_Aioli_2625
"Having lunch with someone isn’t treating them like family. Lunch is a typical way to meet someone and make some small chit chat to get to know them. It very much sounds like you’re being petulant and don’t want your mother to date and don’t want to engage with anyone she’s dating. There’s no reason for you not to be open to meeting someone she’s dating." ~ panic_bread
"YTA. So, to recap, ONE previous relationship your mom had is now a pattern of behavior, and that pattern of behavior is….telling you not to have a nasty attitude, asking you to cook, and taking you on vacation?"
"Vacations I get, it’s weird when there’s a third wheel you don’t know, and teens have a knack for making trips miserable when they don’t want to be there. It’s fair to not want to go sit on a beach and scowl all day, so I won’t ding you on that."
"But refusing to have lunch? What’s the actual plan with this? If you don’t want your mom to date, you need to tell her that and have her get you a therapy appointment to start processing the divorce, because you clearly have some hangups about things that are an inevitability."
"Your mom will, in all likelihood, find a person she will want to make part of her family; that’s how dating tends to work. You can’t stave that off forever by refusing to meet him (well you can, but you’ll end up back here asking if you’re TA for not inviting your mom’s husband of 15 years to your wedding because you never met the dude), but you can actually use your words and tell your mom 'hey, I didn’t like that you expected me to just mesh with the last guy and pretend we didn’t just go through an ordeal when you and dad broke up'." ~ otisanek
"YTA. Come on, man. You shouldn't be hating on this guy before you even met him. I doubt you're expected to 'play family', but if this is someone your mother is serious about, you ought to be polite, have dinner with him, and give him a chance, then go from there about everything else. I know you're not quite an adult yet, but since you're so close, this would be good practice in learning how to be one." ~ AuggieNorth
"YTA. What? Like what the what? This is your chance to meet him. What more casual of a meet and greet could there possibly be than to have lunch with someone? Why on earth are you refusing?"
"Your mom: 'Hey I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend, let's all have lunch'."
"You: I'LL NEVER LOVE HIM!!!!!'."
"You're being absolutely ridiculous." ~ Logridos
"YTA. And you know it. It is very telling how you refuse to answer what you mean with the words 'treat him like family'."
"Your mother can invite anyone over to her house. She can date if she likes. You also totally have the option of demanding terms before meeting new people. But it is an a**hole thing to do." ~ holyoak
"YTA you need to give a better explanation about what you mean by 'treat him like family'. Even then, based on what you have said, she hasn’t even done that here." ~ RealisticTadpole1926
"You wrote, 'She told me that she has a new boyfriend. Didn’t introduced him, just announced that he’s coming over for lunch today'."
"Homie, that's called an introduction. YTA." ~ fren2allcheezes
Reddit found serious fault with your attitude.
Maybe after reading through some of the comments, you can have a more honest conversation about your mother.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.