Grief is a very complicated emotion.
Many people think they have control over when they grieve, but that simply isn’t the case.
Indeed, grief will sneak up on you at the most unexpected and often inconvenient of times.
More than likely triggered by an unexpected incident or turn of events.
The wife of Redditor Curious-Training-114 was given some truly wonderful news directly on the heels of losing her father.
While she was working through the grief, she found herself losing almost all control of her emotions when her mom surprised her with an unexpected change in her life.
Fueled by her grief, the original poster (OP)’s wife effectively cut her mother out of her life.
While the OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) only assumed she could rely on him for support, she found herself very much mistaken.
Having some doubts about his behavior, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for replying no when MIL asked if I would apologize for my wife/her daughter?”
The OP explained why he firmly took his wife’s side following an unexpected conflict she had with her mother:
“My wife lost her dad 9 months ago.”
“We leaned a few days later she was pregnant.”
“For a few weeks she had such a hard time coping with the fact she was expecting our first child after losing her dad, and the fact he would never get to meet his grandkids or live to be a living, breathing grandfather.”
“She ended up seeking therapy because it was a struggle for her to get back on track.”
“I was doing everything I could to support her.”
“In that time MIL was around a lot.”
“My wife was their only child so MIL leaned on her and sought out the comfort of having family.”
“They grew closer than ever before and slowly MIL started spending less time with us.”
“But she’d still stop by and they wanted MIL to be there for a 3d/4d ultrasound my wife was booked in for.”
“I was also there, of course.”
“On the day of MIL showed up with a man and introduced him as her boyfriend.”
“She said she wanted to include him in such a special moment.”
“My wife said he was not coming into the room with us and they argued before my wife told MIL to leave.”
“MIL and my wife fought more afterward because my wife didn’t say hi or anything to MILs boyfriend.”
“And because MIL felt my wife should have been more open to including him.”
“Things became tense because my wife told MIL she couldn’t be around him yet.”
“MIL tried pushing and pushing but my wife held firm.”
“When my wife had our baby she let MIL know and MIL wanted her and the boyfriend to visit to meet *their* grandchild.”
“My wife said she could come but he was not welcome.”
“A week later, just this past weekend in fact, MIL dropped by to confront my wife over this.”
“MIL told her she was being selfish and how her boyfriend is lovely and would be a wonderful grandfather and how she can’t force them apart.”
“My wife said that’s fine.”
“If she can’t come without him then she’d just have to accept it.”
“MIL said she doesn’t have to.”
“Just accept him and let our child have a grandfather.”
“Accept having another older male presence in her life.”
“My wife lost her temper and yelled at MIL that the boyfriend is not our child’s grandfather, is not anything to her and nobody she dates will ever be able to fill those shoes.”
“Then my wife left the room and went to cry.”
“She wanted some space so I gave it to her and told MIL she needed to leave.”
“MIL wouldn’t leave at first and then she goes ‘I suppose you’ll apologize for her now’ and I just said no.”
“Nothing else, just no.”
“And then I was able to get her to leave.”
“She made some kind of angry face at me and told me I didn’t need to be so rude about saying no.”
“That I didn’t need to mock her.
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not apologizing on behalf of his wife and daughter.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s MIL should not have blindsided his wife with her new boyfriend, particularly at their ultrasound, and had nothing to apologize for, as he was merely standing up for his wife:
“NTA.”
“You don’t bring a boyfriend to meet the family at an ultrasound; even the BF should have known that.”
“The MILs comments make it seem like she’s trying to fill in the void that the FILs passing left; and she’s doing it quickly.”
“I hope she’s not rushing into things.”
“If your MIL wants to introduce the new BF to your child, she needs to take the time to introduce him to you and your wife away from the kid.”
“And based on what’s happened so far, it’s going to take a lot of time.”
“Don’t apologize to your MIL.”
“You should have just laughed at her comment and told her to get out.”- GamesDontStop
“NTA.”
“Thank you for sticking up for your wife!”
“MIL felt my wife should have been more open to including him – Umm… no MIL had no right to even bring him to the ultrasound.”
“MIL needs to realize just because she is on a rebound, that doesn’t mean your wife has to accept anyone, especially when it’s being forced on her.”
“Please keep this woman away from your child until she seeks therapy.”- Lunar-Eclipse0204
“MIL wanted to bring a stranger into your wife’s ultrasound and that guy was apparently also fine with it, that’s messed up.”
“NTA and it sounds like you don’t need her around.”- NoHorseNoMustache
“NTA.”
“At all.”
“Your MIL is the most pushiest person I have ever heard about.”
“After 9 months, she is pushing this person to be a replacement father and grandfather?”
“Oh, hell no.”
“And this: ‘She made some angry face at me and told me I didn’t need to be so rude about saying no. That I didn’t need to mock her’.”
“I would have said yes, we do need to mock you and rude and not caring about her at all.”
“She deserved that and much, much more.”
“The audacity of some people indeed knows no bounds.”
“So, you have to create one, a firm boundary to excise this person from your family’s life.”
“She isn’t worth any consideration whatsoever based upon her abhorrent actions.”-PumpkinPowerful3292
“NTA.”
“Oh my god that’s so f**king creepy!”
“Bringing a boyfriend you guys have never met to one of the most intimate and private events of her daughter?”
“I can’t even form a full sentence after this lol, MIL is insane, rude and completely unhinged.”
“Your poor wife though, I’m so sorry for her (both your) loss!”- faulty_rainbow
“NTA.”
“Hell no, ultrasound is very personal and one doesn’t spring a new boyfriend on their daughter, expecting him to be there as a replacement grandpa, especially not their grieving daughter.”
“MIL is completely inappropriate to think her behavior is okay.”
“Sounds like baby will have one set of grandparents.”- Clean_Factor9673
“NTA.”
“MIL has no right to decide who your wife acknowledges as her child’s grandfather, and she had no business pushing this guy on her like that.”
“Out of curiosity, how does MIL’s boyfriend respond to any of this?”- TheGoodJeans
“NTA.”
“My mother died 3 weeks before her only granchild was born, and my father did this with his new wife.”
“She expected to be called grandma six months after my nephew was born.”
“We were expected to just be ok with her being in our house, moving my mother’s things out, 4 months after my mother died.”
“With absolutely no warning – just walked in the house, and she was boxing up my mother’s things.”
“We’ve gotten better over the years, but that initial hurt does not go away.”- MsBaseball34
“Good on you for standing up for your wife.”
“NTA.”- gotmeffedup
“Perfect response.”
“So many people don’t realize that ‘NO’ is a complete answer.”
“Good for you!”
“NTA.”- UndebateableMom
“NTA.”
“Ugh.”
“Just awful.”
“‘This man you’ve never met has started piping me down so I invited him to your ultrasound and he’s your baby’s grandfather now’.”
“Like what the actual f*ck, lady?”- CapoExplains
Grief and pregnancy hormones are a fairly treacherous combination.
This is something the OP’s MIL should have considered before bringing her new boyfriend to meet her daughter without any warning.
If the OP’s MIL had given her daughter the time she needed to grieve, there is little doubt she would have eventually welcomed her mother’s boyfriend into their family.
After the way her mother handled things, though, no one should count on that happening any time soon…