Mom Calls Out Daughter In Front Of Her Friends For Claiming She's Autistic Without A Diagnosis

With an increase in visibility and education, it seems to many that Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnoses exploded in the 2000s. But as a person with tested, evaluated and diagnosed ASD, I'm inclined to think it's awareness making more people recognize autism than it is an actual massive increase in prevalence.

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I remember when autism was widely defined as a disorder only boys could have. Over 50% of the population wasn't even assessed for ASD.

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ASD was also widely considered to be 100% nonverbal and tactile resistant. This sheered off even more people with ASD from being properly diagnosed. Instead, they were mislabeled as ID (formerly MR in the United States), obsessive compulsive (OCD), fussy, picky, difficult, insensitive, annoying, pedantic, perfectionist, etc...

But with increased awareness and visibility of a disorder, sometimes comes a bit of "flavor of the month" popularity for that condition.

In my lifetime, I've seen people claim—without assessment or diagnosis—to be OCD, manic depressive, bipolar, ADD/ADHD, or to have an anxiety disorder.  They had one or two traits that overlapped with those conditions, so they self-diagnosed without knowing the full scope of the actual disorder.

For years, people have been claiming to be "a bit OCD" because they like things to be organized. They don't realize that to be diagnosed with OCD, it must interfere with the functions of daily life.

And situational anxiety—like situational depression—is something almost every human will experience during their lifetime. Some will even require psychiatric or pharmaceutical treatment to recover.

But clinical anxiety or depression isn't dependent on setting or situation—it's debilitating anxiety, panic, or depression without a rational cause. It doesn't go away when a person's situation improves.

The issue with self-diagnoses is the misconceptions they foster.

A parent dealing with a child self-identifying themselves as autistic turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.

Exotic-Front-643 asked:

"AITA for telling my daughter (15) she is not autistic in front of her friends?"

The original poster (OP) explained:

"My daughter is one of the most well-adjusted and socially adept people I have met. She has organized her own birthday parties, excelled at debate team and the Feminist Roundtable club at her school where she organized a fundraiser for at-risk young women."

"I'm beyond proud of her. She is an incredible person and I truly feel the sky is the limit for her."

"However, she has recently made a friend group who I believe is not great for her. Three people—two are non-binary and one is a girl—and all of them claim to be autistic."

"I guess this has rubbed off on my daughter, because now she is also claiming to be autistic. The problem is that they are influencing her in a way that is causing her to lose interest in things that she loved."

"That's what I have a problem with. I would never prohibit my daughter from having the friends she chooses, unless they are on hard drugs or something of that nature."

"The kids themselves are fine—I do not hate them or even dislike them. I just don't like how their behavior is affecting my daughter."

"My sister is following my daughter on TikTok and I guess she posts 'stimming' videos and other things for her self-diagnosed autism."

"She has given me zero evidence before this point to even entertain the notion that she is autistic. I truly never even considered it until she met these friends. This leads me to believe it is made up."

"I really can't stress enough that she has shown no symptoms of autism her whole life. No discomfort, no social problems, no evidence that she is masking and the mask is slipping."

"I am very close to my daughter and she has not one time expressed any sort of autistic tendencies before she met these friends. She is well adjusted, makes friends very easily, and has never indicated any kind of struggle socially or educationally."

"It bothers me above all things that her peers are encouraging her to make her life harder for no reason. She isn't showing up for her clubs or planning events like she used to or being herself now."

"She seems to feel this way because she is succumbing to peer pressure, as I did when I was her age. She has been seeing a therapist regularly for the past two years after her dad passed and was evaluated by a psychiatrist as well during this time."

"She was not diagnosed with anything other than situational depression."

"I have noticed that these friends are causing her to distance herself from her other friends that encouraged a more healthy lifestyle—friends she met in Feminist Roundtable for example who I really liked."

"She does not really do anything anymore, but sit in her room and make videos with these friends about autism. It's really strange and has me feeling pretty bad."

"The other day her and her friends were in the kitchen and my daughter said something along the lines of 'she wouldn't understand because she isn't autistic' about a classmate."

"I calmly stated after she said this that she is not autistic either, has just self-diagnosed, and shouldn't patronize people by claiming that she is autistic as it is inappropriate to people who actually struggle."

"I feel that it sort of 'dilutes' the condition and prevents people with these issues from getting real help when people who only know what they see in the media or online about these conditions."

"She got furious and stomped up to her room. Her friends followed. She's not talking to me anymore."

"AITA for 'calling out' my daughter?"

The OP summed up their situation.

"People actually struggle with autism and my daughter claiming she has it has caused her to fall in with a crappy crowd that demeans others. Playing at having a disorder hurts people who actually have the condition."

Redditors weighed in by declaring:

• NTA - Not The A**hole
• YTA - You're The A**hole
• NAH - No A**holes Here
• ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).

"NTA for telling her that. However, I think that you should maybe take her to an expert and have her checked. That will not just confirm what you are saying, but also give your daughter the assurance that her self-diagnosis was wrong and maybe ease her doubts.

"Worst comes to worst, if she does turn out to be autistic, you can then take appropriate steps to deal with any issues related to autism." ~ BoredofBin

"Autism doesn't look the same in everyone—especially girls. She most likely isn't, but you could get her checked out for official proof." ~

"NTA, but even if your intention is clearly innocent, it can be interpreted as when someone says 'you don't look like you have depression'. It feels derogatory of one's experience."

"I suggest starting an autism and ADHD investigation to see if your daughter really has the diagnosis or is just trying to be relevant/fit in with new friends. Could be that she is 'masking'."

"Masking is 'a strategy used by some autistic people, consciously or unconsciously, to appear non-autistic in order to blend in and be more accepted in society'."

"I would also pay attention to your daughter's behavior with her new group of friends." ~ Sikorilz98

"Why claim a disability diagnosis if you aren't disabled? So many teenagers self-diagnosing aren't struggling beyond the norm for average teenagers.

"But it's a period of wild biological fluctuations and intense emotions. So they latch on to answers, probably the wrong ones."

"A professional assessment is a good idea. A diagnosis should inform treatment, therapies, and coping skills. It should never be an excuse to not do/attempt things." ~ LK_Feral

But not everyone agreed.

"YTA. Wait for her friends to go home before you start the conversation. Of course she's mad at you, you embarrassed her.

"And regardless of whether or not she actually is autistic (that's not for me to judge), you've now shown her that she won't be getting the support she needs from you if she is. Even if that's not what you meant, that's how she will interpret it."

"Autism is not diagnosed nearly as often in women as it is with men because society pressures women to mask even more. It's possible that it wasn't until she started making autistic friends that she felt more comfortable not masking."

"That's what it was like for me: I wasn't comfortable referring to myself as neurodivergent until other neurodivergent people told me they recognized things I did as autistic behaviors, and it actually helped me to feel way more comfortable and at peace with myself."

"I think you have some personal biases to check: why can't your daughter do all these incredible extracurriculars and be this brilliant person you've always seen her as and be autistic? Why are those two things mutually exclusive?

"It's also possible that she may not be autistic, but is neurodivergent in some other way."

"But again, even if she is just trying to fit in, you still should've waited for her friends to leave and actually communicated instead of just shutting her down." ~ StaringAtStarshine

The OP provided an update.

"Something that resonated with me in a lot of the comments was that I had not really spoken to my daughter about how she was feeling. Later in the night, when her friends had gone home, I went up to her room and knocked on the door."

"She let me in, but had clearly been crying. I apologized immediately for my comment and the poor timing and she just nodded and looked at the ground."

"I sat down on her bed and told her I wanted to talk to her about why she felt she might be autistic, because if she is I want her to get the help she needs. She didn't say anything for a moment and then said, 'Not sure'. I asked, 'What do you mean?'."

"She revealed, 'My friends told me I may have it'. So I asked, 'What did they tell you exactly?'. She said, 'They told me I may have it because I really like [she said a specific cartoon that I can't remember] and have trouble making eye contact and have trouble socially'."

"So I asked her to come downstairs and watch some YouTube videos with me on my laptop about autism. I had watched a couple myself that were recommended to me via DM here on Reddit."

"After each video I'd ask her if she could relate to it. She said generally no, just the social anxiety parts. I asked her if she still thought she might be autistic and she didn't say anything for a second."

"Then she said, 'I think I'm just bored of stuff'. And I said, 'Like what?' And she said, 'Feminist Roundtable and some of my sports. I want to try different stuff and to try to meet new friends because I'm bored of the stuff I'm doing, but I've also felt really anxious lately'."

"I told her that I made a psychiatrist appointment through our Medicaid at our local clinic to talk about her potentially having autism and she shook her head and said, 'You can cancel it'."

"I asked if she was sure and she said yes. I let her know if she wanted to see somebody to talk about this or anything else to please let me know and she said OK."

"She wants to quit Feminist Roundtable and a sport she does after school and join the photography club instead. She also brought up volunteering at the PAWS animal shelter."

"I think it's a great idea, but I'm going to let her take the initiative in signing up and not pressure her into anything she does not want to do."

"We also are going to start seeing her therapist on a more regular basis (weekly) to address her recent anxieties."

"She's hanging out with her friends again today, but I noticed they are not making 'stimming' videos or doing TikTok. They walked to the gas station for a snack and went to the park—it's a sorta nice day here."

"They're really nice kids and I'm glad to see them doing something productive. Overall I think things went OK."

Adolescence is a period of self discovery and it can be tempting to jump on any bandwagon friends are riding.

But it's also a good idea to seek answers if a person self identifies as having a specific disorder. While it looks like the OP and her daughter have put an autism assessment on pause, they can always seek guidance in the future.