When parents divorce and remarry, their children can gain new family members.
But a relationship with a parent isn’t a guarantee of a relationship with their child—especially if the child is an adult when their parent remarries.
Probably the worst thing a new person in the family can do to get closer to their spouse’s child is try to force a relationship.
A young woman dealing with a pushy stepmother turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no official voting acronyms and no final judgment given.
Altruistic-Corgi-976 asked:
“AITAH for telling my dad’s wife she’s not my bonus mom after I only brought mom wedding dress shopping with me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, female) am an only child. My parents divorced my senior year of high school.”
“By the time I graduated, my dad started dating his second wife. I’d met her once before. He told me he was bringing her and I was like okay, fine.”
“She showed up way overdressed and attempted to overtake the whole thing. She tried to interfere in the photos I had taken, she tried to push my mom away from me in any group photos taken, and it took me telling my dad that if he didn’t stop her they could just go home and not come to the party.”
“A few times she even tried to unlink mine and mom’s arms and take mom’s place next to me.”
“She apologized to me a few days later, but mom later admitted dad’s wife called and boasted about how much nicer her and dad’s photos with me would look because I had two parents in them instead of one.”
“She also tried to boast that I took more with her than mom. But that wasn’t true and I didn’t actually print any of the photos with her in them because she pissed me off so bad.”
“After the whole situation, every time I saw my dad’s wife, who became his wife a year after my graduation, she was overly nice to me and would get super eager to spend time with me whenever I mentioned I was going back to mom’s.”
“I stayed with mom when I was home for the holidays. She was always looking to spend time with me instead.”
“I know from one of dad’s friends that his wife always looks for everyone to insult my mom. It’s just so petty. She started calling herself my bonus mom and me her bonus daughter.”
“I corrected her once or twice, but then I just started spending less time with her. As a result, my relationship with my dad has suffered.”
“Recently, I went wedding dress shopping with my mom and when dad’s wife found out she got super upset I went with mom and not her. She asked me why I didn’t want her to go and that’s what bonus moms are for.”
“I told her she’s not my bonus mom and she never was. She’s my dad’s second wife and is no kind of mother figure to me and she never will be with the way she treats my actual mother.”
“My dad told me I took it too far and should apologize because even if she’s been b*tchy to my mom, she’s been super welcoming to me. I told him that doesn’t matter because she needs to know her place and it’s not as someone I care for.”
“And that the more she tries to force her way in and push my mom out or outshine my mom, the worse she looks to me.”
“He insisted that I could still have been a lot nicer.”
“AITA?”
The OP later added:
“I was already 18 when I met her and never lived with her, so technically I was a grown-up.”
“As for why she’s like this? I don’t really know, other than she seems jealous that she’s the second wife.”
“She tries to cling to this younger wife thing, but she’s 3 years younger than dad and only a year younger than my mom. That’s something others have pointed out to her. Including some of my dad’s friends.”
“Honestly, I have some soul searching to do after all of this. Dad won’t come to my wedding without her, but she’s so annoying and inserts herself way too much for my liking.”
“He does cosign her BS. That really disappoints me, because mom might be his ex, but I’m his daughter and she’s still my mom regardless of their relationship status.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not doing anything wrong (NTA).
“So you were almost a grown-up when she came into the picture, and she just thinks she can magically swoop in and take on a motherly role in your life? Your dad’s wife has a serious case of delulu, and I don’t blame you for pulling back.”
“She sounds like she tries to replace your mom in every way she can…. makes you wonder why she acts like your mom is such a threat to her.”
“It is too bad that your relationship with your dad suffers from this – but honestly, that is on him and not you. If he is fine with his wife being overly pushy (and kinda creepy), that is the consequences he will have to live with.” ~ Barsk-Brunkage
“NTA – even if she was a saint to you and your mom, you still don’t need to feel comfortable with her being your bonus mom. She didn’t raise you and has seemingly done nothing motherly with you.”
“But are you going to invite her to the wedding because she’s going to pull the same things she did at the graduation. This is going to be a thing at every event.” ~ SillyMoose22
“If your dad would miss your wedding because his wife can’t behave, then let him. His loss. If he can’t see how inappropriate she is, then maybe he doesn’t need to come.” ~ Nadja-19
“Respond to your dad with ‘ being b*tchy to mum is being b*tchy to me full stop, if you want to spend your life with someone like that fine but that means less time with me in your life, because she is b*tchy and manipulative towards me and ruins events with her selfishness, and that is not welcoming or loving’.” ~ Selfpsycho
“NTA – Dad’s wife is a petty, insecure woman. I would stay far away from her. And if that means not seeing your dad much, then so be it. Clearly, he cosigns her BS.” ~ AdWrong416
“Tell your dad you’ll treat her exactly as nicely as she treats your mom.” ~ whitelancer64
“100% this! Why should you respect your dad’s wife if she’s not respectful to the people that you love? The fact that she’s treating the mom like this shows how much she doesn’t respect or care about OP either, regardless of what dad’s wife might say.” ~Â BenzeneRing223
“NTA. She reeks of insecurity, she’s so desperate to overshadow your mom at all costs.”
“Your dad needs to talk to her and address this continuously desperate behaviour from her if he wants to remain an involved parent in your life. This is vital he does this before she attempts to hijack your wedding.” ~ tigerz0973
“NTA. You also need to tell your dad that his wife can only attend the wedding as a guest, she will have zero role in the wedding, she will not appear in wedding photos, she will not get any special moments, recognitions, dances, speeches, etc….—and if she pulls any sh*t, she will be escorted from the wedding.”
“Get ahead of it now, and be prepared for him to tell you that he may not be there at the wedding.” ~ NYCStoryteller
“NTA, at all, and the ship has sailed for ‘niceness’ from your end. If she was just enthusiastic to spend time with you it would be one thing. That is not the case at all.”
“She constantly insults your mother and tries to sideline her. She badtalks her behind her back and is a bitch to her to her face. You are 100% right that the worse she is to your mother, the worse she looks to you, and I don’t see how this grown a** adult can’t understand that.”
“Your father is also sh*tty because he should have shut that down immediately. She was trying and still is trying to alienate you from your own mother. He doesn’t have to love your mother anymore to realise that his wife is in the wrong here.”
“She DOES need to know her place, and if your father won’t gently remind her of it, then you have all rights to harshly do so, especially since you shouldn’t even need to mention something like this to her in the first place because, quite frankly, the woman knows what she is doing.”
“She just comes across as selfish, jealous, and insecure.” ~ violetlotus79
As the OP noted, they have some decisions to make about their wedding day.
Hopefully, their father does some reflection as well.