Sharing a living space comes with plenty of challenges. A frequent source of conflict is household chores.
The division of labor is rarely fair.
A roomate turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict over the cooking and cleaning with their apartment mate.
Djivee asked:
"AITA for going off on my roommate for trying to treat me like a housewife?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, male) have been living with my roommate, we'll call him Jesús (23, male) for about a year now. We met while working together at Home Depot and hit it off so well that we decided to move in together."
"I'm gay, and Jesús is straight, and we've always had a great friendship. I'm naturally a tidier person, so I usually end up doing most of the cleaning around the house."
"Since I get home from work earlier than Jesús, I sometimes cook extra for him, but I never thought much of it. However, things have taken a turn lately."
"Jesús has started to expect me to always have the house clean and a hot meal ready for him when he gets home. When I don't, he gets angry and starts acting like it's my job."
"I shrugged it off at first, thinking he was just having a bad day, but it kept happening."
"Things came to a head last weekend."
Jesus recently got a girlfriend, and we were all hanging out—me, my boyfriend, and Jesús' girlfriend. When Jesús came home from work that night and saw that there were a couple of dirty dishes in the sink and the house wasn't entirely clean, he went ballistic."
"Jesús yelled at me 'Why the hell isn't the house clean? And why you ain't cook nothing?'. I was taken aback. I told him 'We're all just hanging out, and there are only a few dishes. You've got two hands, use them if you care so much'."
"He got even angrier and said 'It's not my job to clean up your mess. You're home all day, you should've done it'. I snapped and told him 'First off, I'm not home all day. I work too. Secondly, You've got a girlfriend now, ask her to cook for you?'."
"Jesús' girlfriend looked embarrassed, and my boyfriend was visibly uncomfortable. After that I said 'I'm not your f**king housewife, Jesús. And I'm not going to let any man that I'm not f**king treat me like one. You're a grown a** man, do your own damn chores'."
"We argued for over 10 mins, and Jesús kept insisting that since I'm the one who's usually home first, it's my responsibility to keep the place clean and cook. I told him he's being stupid and that this arrangement isn't working if he's going to treat me like his personal maid."
"So, AITA for going off on my roommate for trying to treat me like a housewife?"
The OP added:
"I want to clarify when I mentioned that Jesús could have asked his girlfriend to cook for him; it wasn't about expecting her to take on the role of cooking simply because she's a woman. The point was that Jesús had made it clear he wanted someone else to do the cooking and cleaning for him."
"Given that he was expecting me to fulfill that role and getting angry when I didn't, it seemed logical to point out that his girlfriend, who was already there, could help him out if he needed it. I was challenging his entitlement and unrealistic expectations, not about assigning traditional gender roles."
"I firmly believe everyone should be responsible for their own chores and cooking, and no one should expect others to do it for them without mutual agreement, regardless of gender."
The OP summed up their situation.
"I went off on my roommate, Jesús. I told him he was treating me like a housewife."
"I might be the a**hole because I blew up at him instead of addressing the issue calmly and earlier on, potentially straining our friendship and living situation."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Your roommate sounds entitled…time to find a new one." ~ Reddit
"Entitled? More like unhinged and abusive. I hope his girlfriend is paying attention and planning on leaving that relationship sooner rather than later. NTA." ~ KeyGate1104
"NTA. I'll second this one. The roommate will most definitely expect the same behavior from a girlfriend or wife. She has witnessed the behavior already." ~ Sammakko660
"I had a similar problem with a roommate. I left for work earlier than she did (by several hours) so, naturally, I was home from work before her. And she started to act a bit like Jesús."
"I reminded her that we both are gone the same number of hours each day, just at different times. So my being home earlier does not equate to me doing more chores.
"I asked why she doesn't get up when I leave in the morning and spend those 2 hours cleaning."
"We did work it out and came to an arrangement that was fair for both of us. But that is because we were able to talk it out as opposed to Jesús who is loud and violent." ~ One_Ad_704
"NTA in any way possible. I—also an openly gay man—had a friend that I had to cut contact with because it was a similar situation. We weren't roommates, but he would treat me like a housewife situation when I'd stay over at his place."
"It got to the point where I left a shopping aisle while on a phone call, and he came to the other aisle visibly pissed off and started screaming at me to not leave him alone in random aisles. That was a big yikes for me, and I pulled the plug on that friendship very fast."
"Honestly, it's ultimately your decision what you choose to do, but for your own mental health and well-being I don't think this living situation is helping you in any way. It's not your job to be making his meals or cleaning the house, and I stand by your 'if I'm not fcking you, you don't get to treat me like that' because same!"
"Hopefully, you both can have a conversation, and it is able to remain calm and collected, but personally, I think you're better off maybe looking for a different living arrangement or vice versa and having him do that."
"It seems like it's only gonna escalate from there and that's not fair to you." ~ SeparatePrior8189
"NTA, and I'd be looking at this girlfriend and saying 'This is what you'll be signing up for, hon. Best consider the future now'." ~ wanderingstorm
"NTA. This hateful disrespectful guy needs to move out." ~ OriginalAd326
"Move out. You made the mistake of taking on more of the cleaning than Jesús and offering up food, etc..."
"But NTA because he should not have started taking your generosity for granted and being disrespectful." ~ hadMcDofordinner
"Dude is weird. Who expects their roommate to do all the cooking and cleaning‽‽"
"I've had roommates plenty of times and everyone was responsible for their own messes. As for daily/weekly chores, those were divided up evenly."
"Dude's gonna be expecting you to do his laundry soon."
"NTA, I'd try to move out at this point. Sounds like a craptastic roommate I wouldn't want to bother with." ~ Due-Commission2099
"NTA. Jesús was treating you like a maid/cook he employs but with less respect. Maybe he should find a place to stay that offers maid service since he's so entitled and nasty.
"You said nothing that Jesús didn't need to hear. Good for you." ~ Global_Look2821
"NTA, your roommate is. He saw that you were willing to be nice to him and share food, etc... and he took advantage of you and is upset you are now realizing it."
"He is an adult who apparently can't take care of himself. He is not entitled to your time, your food, or your effort for a home when he is not doing his part."
"You were compatible when you did all the nice things for him, but now he's mad. I would look into your lease contract and get out of the situation ASAP."
"Whether it is not renewing or kicking him out, whatever you have to do, his friendship was conditional to what you did for him, and that is no longer your friend."
"Also, you are a lovely human for saying it in front of the girlfriend, and I don't mean that sarcastically. You probably helped her dodge a bullet." ~ Bewitched_Nerd510
"NTA. You or he need to move out. He's taking advantage of you and being a massive a**hole about it." ~ CyberCooper2077
"NTA Jesús is delusional if he thinks who gets home first must cook and do the housework. Get a new roommate ASAP!" ~ Infamous_Ninja_6158
It sounds like most people think this isn't a situation OP and Jesús can't come back from.
Finding a new living arrangement was the most common response.
Hopefully, the OP will find a more peaceful home soon.
Trans Man Considers Breaking Off Engagement After Fiancé Wants Him To Wear A Dress For Wedding
KimJane Photography/GettyImages
A lot of people often say, "Believe people when they tell you who they are the first time."
It's one of life's truest (and ignored) sayings.
Believe a person when they are drunk and spew words as well.
Often, a few drinks will help a person let loose on how they really feel.
And then take note.
Redditor dude-e23 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Hi, I'm sorry for the potentially bad English; it's not my first language anyway."
"I'm a 26-year-old male who recently got engaged to my fiancè, a 28-year-old male."
"For the sake of the story, I'm going to call him Mark."
"I'm a trans man, and this will be relevant to the story."
"Mark and I have been going out for 4 years, and I wasn't on testosterone when we met, and only started recently."
"Mark had never had any issues with my gender identity; he always respected my pronouns and my gender, or so I thought."
"Recently, we were over at his parents' when the topic of the wedding planning came up."
"His mom asked about our wedding outfits, and Mark, who was a bit drunk at this point, said, 'I want to put (my name) in a dress so SHE can be prepared for HER future wifey duty.'"
"I was stunned, and I could see how uncomfortable his mom was."
"I said we were leaving and took Mark home."
"It happened yesterday, and I'm genuinely thinking of breaking it off."
"I've struggled a lot with my identity, and a big part of my family cut me off after my coming out."
"Right now, Mark is at work, and I pretended to be asleep when he left, but now I can't stop overthinking small details like how he used some feminine term in bed or how he always hated when I cut my hair short."
"But maybe he thought it was funny, and he was too drunk to realize what he was saying."
The OP was left to wonder:
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Yeah, so it turns out that this isn't the case."
"Please don't marry him."
"He fundamentally doesn't respect who you are."
"And to be honest, this would be a disturbing enough statement if you were a woman."
"You can't tie yourself down to this person." ~ HighRiseCat
"Yes! It would still be icky and questionable for him to say this if OP presented as a CIS female - but the fact that OP is a trans man makes it horrifying. WTF?!" ~ MarionberryOk2874
"NOR. I'm a cisgender, heterosexual married woman, so my experience with dating is very different from yours, but if my fiancé said 'She will be wearing a modest dress to get used to life as a married woman' or 'She needs to wear a low cut dress, so I can see what I'm buying' or anything along those lines, I would have called it off quickly."
"The dismissal of your identity is problematic as hell, but so is the little hint that married life will be radically different and not in a lovely, better way."
"Your wedding attire should reflect you, your identity, your values, comfort, and inspire confidence."
"You deserve that."
"Everyone deserves that." ~ ankareeda
"NOR, have a direct conversation with him about this, and don't get legally entangled with him."
"He shouldn't be thinking this is funny anyway; drunkness is not an excuse here, you're his partner of many years." ~ Fit_Square1322
"If these things that he says are coming out when he's drunk, that probably means he's thinking about these issues of your gender presentation, but he's not telling you what he's thinking."
"He sounds very emotionally immature and not ready for marriage." ~ GreenDirt2
"Bro, drunk words are sober thoughts with the volume turned up."
"Thought it was funny isn’t a defense."
"It’s a confession."
"He told his mom who he actually thinks you are."
"You survived your family cutting you off to live as you."
"You don’t owe anyone a second round of that grief because your fiancé can’t handle pronouns after 4 years." ~ BabydolllVibess
"Oh, my God??!!"
"Dude, that’s crazy. Please dump his as*."
"He clearly doesn’t see you as a man, and if you marry him, you’re resigning yourself to a life of being misgendered, and he’s probably gonna try and detransition you or feminize you (seeing as he wants you to wear a DRESS)."
"Also, I’m a trans dude, and I think it’s important that you hear a fellow trans man say this."
"You need to leave."
"You’re a man, and it’s insane that he’s trying to make you feel like you aren’t."
"The breakup will probably suck, but if you stay with him, it’ll be 100x worse." ~ mothmn_9
"NOR, I’ve learned drunk people usually speak more honestly than they mean to."
"I’d guess his mask slipped off; this is certainly grounds for leaving if he can’t accept who you are as you are." ~ Defiant_Tea_8722
"You’re not overreacting."
"I don’t think he actually respects you and who you are as a person."
"He called you feminine things all throughout your relationship."
"Maybe he never accepted you, and I’m sorry."
"I know that's a lot, but I know you will find someone who actually respects you and cares for you truly." ~ Due_Classic_4090
"Some people would tell you that people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. I think that’s BS."
"In my experience, it just removes their filter, and everything they say has an underlying truth to it."
"Knowing your gender identity and what you prefer, his words seem very disrespectful towards you and inconsiderate of your feelings, and being drunk isn’t a good enough excuse."
"If you have doubts, don’t just brush them off; trust your gut." ~ Kitchen_Process_8351
"NOR."
"I’m a cis woman, but my first serious relationship was with a trans man."
"Frankly, he was abusive, and I don’t even like or respect him, but still I would NEVER misgender him, because I sincerely understand that he’s a man."
"And I’m not an a**hole."
"Your partner is an a**hole." ~ tigalicious
"NOR. That’s a major breach of trust."
"Your relationship has gone on long enough for him to know that sh*t isn’t cool and is not a matter to joke over, even if he’s drunk (unless he has a drinking problem, in which case he needs to address that before marriage and work to make amends)." ~ Moist_Drippings
"NOR. It sounds like he might be counting on your gender identity to be 'just a phase' and that after the marriage, he’ll expect you to embody the 'wifely' role fully."
"He isn’t taking you seriously as a man, and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually on board for a homosexual marriage."
"Get out of there!" ~ Amwfgoddess
"NOR. My biggest concern is the potential for abuse - wifey duty?"
"Not even a conservative man says something like that."
"It's a pure trash statement."
"My first marriage was to an addict... 'DRUNKEN WORDS ARE SOBER THOUGHTS!'"
"😔 I'm so sorry. 🫂" ~ pashinates
OP returned with an UPDATE:
"I dont know if this is how you update, but anyway..."
"Mark and I are done."
"He came home from work an hour and a half ago, and I made him dinner so we could eat and talk."
"I told him what he said deeply hurt me, that I felt like he didn't respect me and saw me as a woman."
"He said that until recently he always saw me as a man, even though I'm the more feminine side (whatever that means), but since I've started taking testosterone, he realized he was less attracted to me and started to resent me."
"Which is f**king weird because my appearance didn't even change that much, and that he needed to take the 'lead' of the relationship again."
"By then, I had heard enough."
"I made it clear we were done and that this type of behavior was not okay and that it'll never be okay."
"That he had to go to therapy and work on his insecurities, but that I couldn't stay with him."
"At this point, he was apologizing and almost pleading with me to stay, but I really did not want to stay, so I took all my essentials and called my friend."
"I'm currently waiting for her to pick me up."
"I'm so confused about how someone I loved so much could betray me like that."
"I'll ask my friend and her husband if they can go back to take my other stuff later on because I really don't want to see him."
"I'm safe, my friend set me up in the guest bedroom, and I'm so grateful I have her."
"Mark and his family have been blowing up my phone."
"His mom, bless her heart, has only asked how I was and said that no matter what, she'll always see me as her son and that she's sorry about Mark's behavior, but his dad and brother have been sending me very insulting texts that included slurs."
"Mark threatened to 'go get me,' but luckily, he doesn't know where my friend lives."
"Honestly, I don't even recognize the man I was with."
"I'm thinking about moving to another city where I could live with my cousin until I'm back on my feet, but that's a whole other story."
"I'm planning to keep in contact with Mark's mom, and I'll be meeting up with her on Thursday."
"Thank you so much for opening my eyes and for making me realize Mark's behavior was not normal."
This is such a heartbreaking story.
So sorry you had to go through this, OP.
Reddit is loudly 1000% with you.
It's wonderful that you have love and support.
Stay strong.