There are people who are deeply invested in their romantic relationships and want to see them go the distance, and there are people who use their romantic partners like placeholders to cover up for their bad behavior.
Sometimes it takes being in the relationship for a while to discover which kind of partner you have, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DarkShadowGirl attended a friend's wedding with their partner, and when they fell asleep in their hotel room after the wedding, their partner snuck off to the strip club that was next door.
Because they'd already discussed this behavior in couples therapy, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to think of their relationship.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being furious that my partner snuck out to a strip club after a wedding while I was passed out?"
The OP and their partner stayed at a hotel next to a strip club.
"My partner and I went to a close friend’s wedding this weekend."
"We had drinks, celebrated, and went back to our hotel room afterward. We had sex, but he didn’t finish."
"Right after, he told me he was going to step outside the hotel to smoke a cigarette. I was exhausted and ended up passing out."
"I woke up completely alone in the room around 2 AM. He had been gone for at least two hours. I went downstairs to look for him and checked the strip club right next door to the hotel, and sure enough, he was there."
The OP had already set a boundary about that particular strip club.
"The crazy thing is, earlier that day before the wedding, we actually talked about that strip club being right next door."
"I told him straight up that if that was something he wanted to do, we could go together. I literally offered to make it an open, shared thing."
"Instead, he waited until I fell asleep after sex and sneaked out for hours under the excuse of smoking a cigarette."
"This isn’t the first time, either. He has sneaked off to strip clubs behind my back twice before in the past year, and it was a huge issue that we literally had to unpack in couples therapy to set boundaries around."
The OP called her partner out for his behavior.
"When I found him at the club and we walked outside, I was seeing red and slammed my purse into his chest."
"When we got back to our hotel room, the argument completely exploded. He called me crazy and told me I was acting like my sister, who he has never even met."
"When I kept pushing on how messed up it was, he escalated straight to, 'What do you want to do, sell the house and I buy you out? You won't see the kids again.'"
"He literally used our home and the kids as a weapon to shut down the argument. (We aren't married, we bought the house together, and our kids are his kids from a previous relationship; I'm just their stepmom but love them like my own.)"
Then the OP's partner escalated the situation further.
"Then while we were arguing, he smacked me in the neck."
"When I told him he had just hit me, he justified it by saying, 'You hit me first,' referring to me shoving my purse into his chest outside the club."
"I was so shaken that I called an Uber and went all the way home in the middle of the night just to get away from him."
"Am I crazy here, or is this entire situation as messed up as it feels?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were disgusted that the partner used the kids against the OP.
"The moment he weaponizes the kids and hits you after getting caught, the relationship is completely done... It's time to protect yourself." - draxvalynt
"This is emotional abuse, hon. Get a lawyer. Pack your bags." - TheChunkyWaffle33
"Or don't sell the house and make him buy you out. He's so disgusting." - Kitchen_Debate_3893
"Leave. Now. Like yesterday now. Weaponising the children is a HUGE red flag. NOR definitely, definitely underreacting. Run, please." - horror4life25
"So he lies, uses you, and hits you and threatens to take your children away. UNDERreacting. Whatever you do, stop messaging him; do not message, but do not block. Get a lawyer and follow their advice." - BookEnvironmental689
Others encouraged the OP to leave their partner immediately.
"From a post you made not even a year ago: 'My partner had this 'joke' he made up in his head. That I'm like a used Ferrari or BMW, he couldn't afford me new, but used with a bunch of miles and after a few other guys handled me he can.'"
"Read those words back to yourself."
"It's so good you are not legally married to him. Easier to LEAVE this abuse. I'm sure he just sees you as a bang-maid. He certainly doesn't even like you." - p143245
"NOR. Thank you for stepping up for yourself by leaving him right then and there. I wish you the courage to repeat exactly that. Leave again. Once and for all. It's not your first post about his abuse."
"And since he has threatened you with the kids, maybe talk to a lawyer before you let him know your next steps."
"And definitely talk to someone who cares about you to help you stick to your decision. It's pretty hard leaving abusive relationships." - bounceanounce
"If you are not legally married, then you should make sure it stays that way. Get a lawyer for custody and the house. NOR." - Plane_Practice8184
"NOR. It sounds like going isn't the problem here; the sneaking is. And it's even more of a problem because you've talked about it directly. But I do feel like there's some information missing, like what the boundary actually was."
"You smacking him with your bag, while wrong, isn't permission for him to hit you. That's not okay."
"Whatever you say at 2:00 AM after drinking and while upset shouldn't be taken as proof of anything. You need to talk about a healthier way of stopping arguments and both respect that boundary."
"Not wanting to argue at 2:00 AM is fine, but what he's saying isn't. If he's just being reactive because he feels cornered, you can work on that in therapy."
"If he's actually manipulative and won't stop, that's different. If you want things to get better, you need to figure that out."
"Side note: He might not want to go with you, or might be weird for him." - Original_Yak249
"NOR, this is not the way it’s all supposed to be. If he has had problems with sneaking off to strip clubs while you’re distracted or busy doing something else, or possibly passed out from having sex, then he has to understand that he can’t be doing that, and if he’s gonna continue doing so even after couples therapy or even after arguments/conversations, you guys shouldn’t be together."
"If conversations, couples therapy, or anything that should be able to resolve issues doesn’t work, then you should just dump them because I don’t know what else you should do or what else you can do, and it’s just a waste of time."
"It seems like your partner doesn’t understand that he’s not allowed or that he shouldn’t be sneaking out to strip clubs. If he’s sneaking out even after all that help and doesn’t even go with you, even after you offered to go together, then you either have to have a serious conversation and tell him you’re dead @ss and not playing any games or you gotta break up."
"I would not be dealing with this. I would stand your ground, be serious, and if he continues to play games or act serious and then drops it or some shit, then I wouldn’t keep going with it or continue."
"Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t help themselves or get better or anything or listen to you."
"I just don’t like his behavior either. He doesn’t sound like a good partner. You didn’t mention anything good that he does or anything like that that I remember now, but I would say if you want to, then talk to him about it and tell him that you’re serious, but if he doesn’t cooperate or makes excuses again and just gives you bulls**t, then I would say just drop it." - MotorMinute150
While the subreddit didn't think much could be done for the children if this couple broke up, and many pointed out that the OP wasn't right to hit her partner, even just with her purse out of frustration, they still took a much bigger issue with her partner.
Not only did he escalate the situation in multiple ways, by threatening her with the house and the kids, and then hitting her, but he also did something that they'd already discussed in couples therapy, signaling that he wasn't really interested in investing in this relationship or making it last.
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