At least in the United States, when Baby Boomers were getting married, before their wedding, at least two parties occurred.
Led by the Best Man, a groom’s friends would throw him a bachelor party at a local bar, in someone’s basement, or at a hotel. It was a last debauched hurrah before his wedding and so-called stag films, strippers, or prostitutes might be included.
Meanwhile, the bride’s friends, coworkers, or family would throw a bridal shower—often a semi-formal afternoon tea party where the bride was gifted housewares for her new home. It was usually held in someone’s home or their backyard.
In this (false) version of reality, men were sexually active and giving up their freedom to be stuck with the “old ball and chain.” Women were virginal waifs waiting for Prince Charming to take over their ownership to be handed over from their father to their husband.
The UK had something similar called stag parties for the groom and hen parties for the women.
It was all very sexist and patriarchal.
The one good thing about it all was it was relatively cheap. But somewhere between Gen X getting married and Millennials reaching adulthood, things got out of hand.
In the United States, that sort of Baby Boomer pre-wedding ritual continued until Gen X brides began demanding a party equivalent to their grooms. The equally debauched bachelorette party was born and the Maid-of-Honor—like the Best Man—was tasked with making it happen.
But the bridal shower also still happened. It was still a sedate affair that the bride’s grandmother could attend.
Then suddenly bachelor and bachelorette parties became trips, bridal shower “responsibilities” got mixed in with the bachelorette, and the wedding party finds themselves required to fund and attend a week-long bacchanal in Thailand or Tahiti.
Today’s pre-wedding festivities are expected to be budget-less wish fulfillment for the bride and groom. But not every bridesmaid or groomsman can afford that.
A bridesmaid unwilling to go bankrupt turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Several-Tomorrow-640 asked:
“AITA for refusing to cover outrageous costs for my future sister-in-law’s (SIL’s) bridal shower?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (23, female) am going to be a bridesmaid in my fiancé’s older sister’s wedding, which is set for October 2025. While I’m excited to be part of her big day, I’ve been a bridesmaid before and know how expensive it can be.”
“The costs for this wedding are piling up quickly. I’ve already paid $300 for the bridesmaid dress, the required shoes, and $1,000 for the destination bachelorette trip.”
“Initially, we were told there was no pressure to attend, but her mom later said it was ‘sh*tty’ that some bridesmaids were considering skipping due to the cost, so I felt pressured to go.”
“After we booked the trip, the maid of honor informed us that we would also be covering all of the bride’s costs during the trip—food, drinks, and anything else. This was never discussed beforehand and added another unexpected expense on top of an already expensive trip.”
“My future mother-in-law (MIL) mentioned that, as a bridesmaid, I’m expected to help pay for the bridal shower. She said she Googled it and found that the bridesmaids are responsible for the costs, not her as the mother of the bride.”
“In all the weddings I’ve been part of, the bridal shower costs were primarily covered by family or a family friend who volunteered to host it at their home. The bridesmaids usually helped with smaller things like games and decorations.”
“I don’t mind contributing to the bridal shower, but it needs to be within reason. With everything else I’ve already paid for, it’s becoming unmanageable—especially since I’m trying to save for my own wedding, which is planned for mid-2026.”
“My future SIL is expecting a fully catered bridal shower with elaborate décor, which feels unrealistic for a group of bridesmaids to fund. It also seems like she’s picking things that aren’t even within her budget and assuming others will cover the difference.”
“Am I the a**hole for wanting to set boundaries around the bridal shower costs, especially when it feels like at every turn an unexpected expense comes up without any discussion?”
“I know weddings are expensive (as I am currently planning one), but how much is too much to ask your bridesmaids to pay? In previous weddings I was a bridesmaid in, I would spend about $1,200 total!”
“In this case, that’s not even covering the bachelorette trip.”
“I do want to make this whole thing special for her, but it’s just starting to get very costly and I know the other bridesmaids are feeling the pressure too. We are all young and just starting our careers.”
The OP later added:
“I’ve already spoken to my fiancé about this and he agrees it’s out of line. He has my back on however I choose to approach this and was curious to see everyone’s responses and advice.”
“We are a young couple and are open to advice on how to handle this. He’s already offered to speak to his family, but based on prior situations, he doesn’t think it’ll go anywhere.”
“The two of us have drawn our lines on these matters on previous issues, and in fact moved further away to really separate into our own family while in pursuit of our careers.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I am refusing to pay for a bridal shower as a bridesmaid because the costs are adding up without discussion and everything is just expected.”
“At the same time, a bridesmaid should want to do all of this for the bride! But there comes a point where it’s too much.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Whoever hosts/plans the bridal shower pays. If the bride or mother-in-law want to plan it, they have to pay for it.”
“If they expect the bridesmaids to fund it, they have to accept what they plan/are willing to spend.” ~ Justwondering18226
“Especially because the bride is not owed a bridal shower. I was lucky enough to have 3 (small showers)—one from our church friends, one from my work, one from my FMIL/FSILs.”
“None of those people hosting were bridesmaids and none of my bridesmaids had to pay for any of them! Outrageous to try and force someone else to chip in.”
“I was lucky to have people who cared and wanted to do that, but no one is owed a bridal shower, let alone force people to pay for it.” ~ Usual-Lengthiness-33
“It is in no manner traditional that bridesmaids are expected to pay for sh*t. That is completely new [like, less than five years old], and was invented out of thin air by the wedding-industrial complex (WIC).”
“Back in the day, the father of the bride was expected to pay for the wedding; brides were expected to have only one in their lifetime, and costs were limited to whatever daddy could afford.”
“These days, brides aren’t virgins, people often have several weddings, and the married couple usually covers most of the costs themselves. This was unsatisfactory to the WIC, because a young couple has much less wealth to spend, and so servicing weddings became a lot less lucrative.”
“So the WIC and their wholly-owned subsidiary, the bridal magazines, completely invented a totally fake tradition that the wedding party had to pay for sh*t. This spread the load around, and as it is MUCH more fun to spend other people’s money than it is your own, brides embraced the change. Yee-haw!”
“But it’s false. This is bullsh*t. There is no such tradition, and that was not what you agreed when you accepted her invite.”
“Tell the bride that you wish her the best, and while you are happy to honour her marriage, you are not paying for her wedding. If that’s what agreeing to be a bridesmaid entails, you’re out. She should have told you up front.”
“And then try to cancel or refund whatever you can. NTA.” ~ _s1m0n_s3z
“And if you want a source to counter the wedding-industry complex, you might like Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.”
“Judith Martin is both amusing and thoughtful, and she is scathing about people trying to guilt others in spending more than they can afford.”
“Congratulations on your own engagement and all the best.” ~ PavicaMalic
“Miss Manners would also say that bridal and baby showers should NOT be hosted by immediate family. MIL is wrong.”
“The shower was ‘paid for’ by bridesmaids because the bride’s friends would host. Not that they should cough up because MIL wants a free fancy party. NTA OP.” ~ BombayAbyss
“Bridal and baby showers should also NOT be planned by the people who are NOT hosting them. If the bridesmaids are hosting and paying for the bridal shower, then the bride and her mother should have absolutely nothing to do with them.”
“They should simply show up and be grateful even if it’s a homemade cake in someone’s backyard with no decorations. OP is NTA and this is so out of hand!” ~ Grump_Curmudgeon
“And bridal showers used to be hosted primarily at someone’s home, in the afternoon so food was pretty much limited to snacks like cookies and cake with tea, coffee, or punch to drink. NOT the extravaganzas people are trying to throw now.” ~ myssi24
It’s fine to have a lavish party—if you’re paying the bill.
But when you’re saddling someone else with the costs, you’re on their budget.