People are starting to recognize that work is work. Things that people are happy to consume like pornography, burlesque and exotic dancing are gaining mainstream acceptance finally for the people who perform in those entertainment genres.
So a woman who once worked as a stripper saw no shame in her past. Neither did her boyfriend—until he decided he did.
After a disagreement about her past as a stripper, the woman turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor TraditionImpressive2 asked:
“AITA for refusing to sell the place I bought with ‘stripper money’?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“For several years I was a stripper. I have no shame about what I did, and only quit when I got a better job offer.”
“In the time I worked as a stripper, I intentionally lived as cheaply as possible (sh*tty little studio flat, living off ramen, wearing old clothes) because my coworkers all told me that they were able to buy their own places on their income, so long as they saved like crazy.”
“Before I ‘retired’ I managed to outright buy myself a 3 bedroom flat. I rented out the other rooms for a while but I got sick of having roommates, so now I have them up online for shorter stays, but not to rent.”
“I met this guy about 18 months ago, and we’ve been together since. He knows about my employment history, and he said that he has no issue with it, though he did ask me to tell his family the white lie I occasionally use (on my CV and stuff), which is that I was a waitress (which I kind of was to be fair).”
The OP added:
“He goes to a strip club multiple times a year. He actually goes to the one I used to work at a lot.”
“A month ago we found out that I’m 2 months pregnant. He says this is great news, and we should move in together.”
The couple were using protection, so the pregnancy is unplanned but OP was clear she wants to keep her baby.
“I assumed he’d be moving into my place because he rents his (far smaller 1 bedroom) flat while I own mine, and I have room for a baby’s room while he doesn’t.”
“Also, I really don’t want to leave my flat. It’s my flat, I love it, I could see myself living here for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to lose the security of owning a flat and have to go back to paying rent or a mortgage each month.”
“However, he then said that he didn’t want to move into my place, and said I should sell it and we buy a place together. I said that I like my place, it means a lot to me that I was able to buy it, and it represents years of working my arse off scrimping and saving.”
“He then said that he understands all of that, but we should be living together by the time the baby comes and he didn’t want to live in my flat. I asked him why not—it’s a great flat, it’s central to everything, it’s spacious, it’s got room for all his stuff, there’s a daycare in the building (run/owned by another tenant) and a school 5 minute walk away, the list goes on.”
“He said that he didn’t want to live in a flat that was bought with ‘stripper money’.”
“That really pissed me off, and I told him no f’king way am I selling my flat and that he never had an issue with my ‘stripper money’ paying for this flat before now. I said I wasn’t giving up the security of owning a home for someone who tries to make me feel ashamed about something I don’t feel ashamed of.”
“He said that his point is if I sold the flat then we could get a new place with the money from the sale. I said ‘wouldn’t that still be stripper money?’ and he said ‘that’s different’ and I asked how.”
“He then said he was going back to his place because ‘I can’t talk to you when you’re in this state’.”
“He’s gone back to his flat now and he’s texted me saying I’m overreacting/irrational and I need to think of this realistically rather than emotionally.”
“He says he wouldn’t feel right raising a child in my flat knowing how I purchased it and selling/moving is the best idea for all of us, not to mention the fact he isn’t on the deed because it’s my place and it ‘would never feel like our place’ because of this.”
“I feel I might be the arse because I get why he might feel like it’s just my place and I feel I’m being too rigid in a time we need to work together, plus I spoke to my sister and she sided with him so 2 out of 3 people think I’m in the wrong here.”
“She’s my big sister, and she loves me, but she never really approved of the stripper thing. This might be that manifesting.”
Redditors weighed in with acronyms to pass judgment on the parties, declaring the OP was:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors came down hard on the side of NTA.
“‘I can’t talk to you when you’re in this state’ [and] ‘saying I’m overreacting/irrational and I need to think of this realistically rather than emotionally’.”
“NTA. This is classic gaslighting behavior. He also wants to co-own with you at only 18 months into the relationship? Helllll no!” ~ t3hd0n
“Co-own a house SHE pays for with money from the home that she earned with no contribution from him, I might add. He’s just taking advantage of her for a free house.” ~ emanresuelbaliavayna
“Exactly. If they got married she would likely keep the house in the case of divorce as it’s in her name and predates the relationship.”
“If she bought a new house with boyfriend on the deed she would have to split it evenly.”
“Think very hard before having a baby with this loser.” ~ DimiBlue
“NTA and big red flag that when he doesn’t have a valid argument he calls YOU emotional and unreasonable.
“I can understand not feeling it’s ‘his’ place. But does he intend to put up half of whatever you move to or he just wants a place he got to pick out together? If he wants to put in half and buy part of your place it makes it both of yours.”
“Or sell and both put equal amounts into a new place then [it’s] worth discussing.”
“The stripper money argument—it’s ugly and also illogical. Very concerning he went there.” ~ progressivelens
“He’s feeling emasculated because he’d be living with someone who was successful enough to pay for a home outright.”
“He’s also slut-shaming her because the money used was from stripping and he wants her to sell so that he [can] forget about that part of her past.”
“This is NOT someone who I’d want as the father of my child. No way.” ~ LV2107
“Yep. The way he is handling this is a huge problem.”
“It would be one thing to say, ‘Hey, I have some discomfort and insecurity about that time in your life and I feel uneasy in your flat. Would you consider moving somewhere new with me?’ and then having an honest conversation.”
“It’s another to say ‘stripper money,’ tell her she’s being unreasonable and overreacting and over emotional, etc. That’s emotionally abusive bullsh*t.” ~ hotheadnchickn
“Not only NTA, but HELL NO. He’s renting, and he wants you to sell your place and buy somewhere together.”
“I will guarantee that if you seriously discussed this, he’ll swear that you’re putting equal amounts into it, but it ‘just makes sense’ to use [all of] your proceeds of the sale for the deposit, and he’ll totally cover you with general living costs or stuff you need for the baby.”
“Meanwhile, you’re signing a contract that gives him a claim to half the sale price of the house if you split.”
“F’k that. Keep your place, in your name, and if you do decide to let him live with you, run it by a lawyer first to make sure you’re protected.”
“Oh, and if his parents or anybody try to coerce you with the ‘a flat is no place to raise a child’ sh*t, point out that a three bedroom house has plenty of space to raise a child, he just doesn’t want your ‘stripper money’ to be entirely yours.” ~ TheDisapprovingBrit
The OP answered:
“He’s willing to pay about 10%.”
“He wants me to sell my flat, which is about 80% of the cost of a 3 bedroom house, then get a mortgage together for the remaining 20%, which we would then pay off equal amounts of, so I’d be paying 90% total (80% flat, 10% mortgage) and he’d cover the remaining 10%, and that’s assuming he can afford it.”
“Honestly he doesn’t have any stable source of income, moves around regularly, and still borrows money from his parents. I have a place I own and a stable well paying job.”
“Most likely scenario is I pay 100% of everything, but he’s still on the deed.”
This information was a major red flag for Redditors.
“I ain’t saying he’s a gold digger but…..” ~ loopylandtied
“Then I will. He’s a gold digger. He just wants to use you.”
“You are his sugar mama. You’re about to become a real mama. Let the fake baby go.”
“Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you.” ~ roshlasage
While Redditors were not fans of her boyfriend, they loved the idea of the stripper investment club.
“Honestly I just love the thought of a bunch of strippers sitting around backstage discussing proper investing and homeownership.”
“NTA, you’re a smart driven woman who’s made some brilliant choices (boyfriend notwithstanding, but we’ve all been there). I also think your sister is unreasonable and possibly jealous to side with him.” ~ textilefaery
The OP responded:
“Yeah very early on in the job I made some comment about how I’d gotten an off campus flat because the cost of on campus living at my university was so high and someone went ‘yeah, I am SO glad I own instead of rent’ and I asked how she did that.”
“She basically said that I don’t get it yet because I’m new, but most of them either outright bought their homes or bought them with a loan just off money they made there and basically gave me all this advice on how to live as cheaply as possible in order to afford my own place in a few years.”
Others concurred with the camaraderie among women in adult industries.
“Sex worker communities can be some of the greatest, most feminist places I know.”
“We all know we gotta work. We all know it’s hard and we all face social bullsh*t because of it. These variables often create wonderful climates of interpersonal support.”
“Dump the man OP. Keep the baby and the flat. You’ve worked so hard.” ~ polystitch
While the OP has not yet returned with a definite answer on what she plans to do, she at least knows Reddit thinks she is not the a**hole in this scenario.
But the boyfriend….